Live Like We're Dying

I went to "Up in the Air" tonight with my family. Why the hell did I trust the critics?

"Sherlock Holmes" got kinda crappy reviews, but I thought it was freaking sweet. So yeah, I went to go watch the movie tonight, and it was so... slow... holy... crap... Don't get me wrong--the acting was great. It just was not my cup of tea.

And then, in the end, it gets way depressing. I mean, the whole movie was about human connection.

*Time out* If you are wanting to see this movie, you might want to wait to read this until after you've seen it...

So yeah, this guy (ol' George) is connection-averse, if you will, and then he starts connecting (haha physically and emotionally) with this lady that kinda has the same lifestyle. So this is like a life-changing thing for him. He has this epiphany or something and decides to drop what he's doing and go visit her... I don't know. Anyway, he finds her address and knocks on the door. She comes to the door and doesn't look too excited. Then, you see some kids run up the stairs, and you hear a guy's voice in the background asking who is at the door...

The movie kind of ends shortly after that. Granted, there are other ways that he reaches out and connects, but it wasn't uplifting or anything.

So the movie ends, and I'm like, "Holy crap. I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone!"

Dear guy in daydream,

I hope you're real. I'm pretty sure I'm not connection-averse. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm the opposite. So please exist... and don't be married... I'd kind of like to find you and not spend the rest of my life flying on airplanes. And maybe I don't look like George Clooney, but he's kind of old. Either way, I'll do everything I can to make you happy if you promise to exist.

Sincerely,

Me

Down... The Jay Sean one since I've already used the Something Corporate one

Gotta complain.

So I sent my resume to a couple of firms here at home... yeah, call me lame, but I'd kind of like to intern here. Ever since I got home from my mission, I haven't really had an extended period of time to spend with my family, and going off to random city, USA, wouldn't help me feel more connected.

So yeah, resume sent off.

My first morning of the break, I get a call from an analyst at the one firm. He spends 45 minutes talking to me about my interests, the company, the position. The internship would require that I spend a semester back here. No problem. It pays really well, it gives me a stipend that I can pocket, a Christmas bonus... I mean, this would pay for all four years of school and more. "I'll see if we can even just skip HR," he says. Excellent. We schedule a meeting with the portfolio managers and a couple analysts that I'd be working with. I go in for the meeting and feel like everything went really well. I felt comfortable, knowledgeable, asked good questions, got good answers, gave good answers...

Then, I get an e-mail from one of the analysts saying that the internship program is in a weird position right now, and that they may not have a decision for a month or two...

Time out. In a month or two, I have to have a plan, or the summer will be a waste, and I will have a crappy chance at a career without a solid internship. OK.

Later, I get an e-mail from the portfolio manager saying that he felt like I would be a good fit for the position, but that the process hasn't really gone according to protocol...

I don't understand if I'm being brushed off? And why? I mean, seriously, the prospect has potentially derailed instantly and right before my eyes. I shouldn't jump to conclusions, but I no longer have a good feeling about the position. More than likely, they are going to be going and recruiting in the next month and are wanting to keep options open... meaning that I did something that made them doubt.

Damn. It. I function a lot more comfortably with a certain amount of transparency... and I can't help but feel that the situation has turned frustratingly opaque. So there you go.

It sucks because I'm worried about the future. I get really good grades in my classes, but I feel like maybe I'm lacking some finesse or people-skills or am on a watch list or something, and I hate the fact that I don't know what to do to make sure this doesn't happen again. It's hard to get interviews, so I hate the fact that I don't know what to do to make sure I don't screw up anymore.

I know I'll get a job. I know that life will be ok. I have plans and backup plans and last-ditch plans locked in huge, dusty, old-fashioned safes. Controlling risk--told you I am unendingly fascinated by the concept.

Ok, I'm done complaining about my life. What else is new? Still gay :) I'm gonna run a half marathon tomorrow... not expecting miraculous times, but I need to do something to stay in shape. I no longer have a six-pack... no longer have muscle definition to talk about. My world started revolving around school, I lost ten pounds (probably of muscle) and haven't ran for a month. Will you still love me when I am white, scrawny, and out of shape? Cuz even my tan has been departing.

P.S: got a wristwatch GPS thing for Christmas... can't wait to start trail running. Dear winter, please end quickly.

It's My Life

Finals are over. I think the damage was minimal... hopefully

I hate having curved classes. You hope everyone does well, just not as well as you. We'll see. I could actually get a 4.0, which would be unheard of for me. I literally finished my finals, came home, packed my suitcase in an hour, and left for the airport. I slept 11 hours my first night home... woke up with a message from a company that I have a legitimate shot at getting an internship with. The guy volunteered enough information that I knew they were seriously considering me--talking about pay, hours, timeframe for the internship. The good news? It'd pay for all of my college... yeah... that'd be nice.

We'll see.

Ok, I have to tell this, and maybe it makes me sound crazy... but what do you care? I mean, if I haven't come across as at least a little bit crazy to you, just go read back a few entries.

I'm watching Criminal Minds... yeah... it's a pretty sweet show. And I wouldn't be writing about this if it weren't a recurring thing (not that it's happened in Criminal Minds, but in other shows.) But there's this gay kid in there... and the whole story is kinda weird since it wouldn't be worth watching if it weren't. Anyway, it all culminates in a point where the really good-looking guy is yelling at him that there's nothing wrong with him. I'm not doing the story justice because I don't want to. It's just that as I'm watching this, I'm thinking to myself, "Yeah, there's nothing wrong with that kid. I feel bad that people could make him feel that way."

Squealing tires, screeching brakes...

Well, if there's nothing wrong with him, there's nothing wrong with me. If there's nothing wrong with me, then what the hell am I doing? But it's the church. It's my family. It's my school, my future, my friends. There is something wrong with me. But I can't look at that fake TV kid and think that. I can't look at the other real people in my life like that and think that way. I'm with them. And either there is something wrong with all of us, or none of us. And I can't, no matter how hard I try, bring myself to think there's something wrong with them.

It exposes my flawed logic, my twisted, double standard of sorts... is that what it is?

More Than Useless

So I met up with that guy.

By the way, thank goodness my Pandora station is back to its old self.

But yeah, had that man-date. It was good, fun, kinda uncomfortable for a second or two... but it's funny--I feel like I'm stuck in some weird version of Groundhog Day (or whatever that movie is called) where I'm mysteriously living out the same relationship with a different person... ???

Sounds like an excellent movie; however, it will be one in which I will not be starring. I realize that probably deserves an explanation... wait a second...

After the date, I realized I liked the guy... then, a few days later, we had a dtr--at his request--during which I realized I didn't want an r to d... So yeah, I was in the process of trying to understand the meaning of life/accounting, and I get this text from him saying something along the lines of, "so, what do you think about us and our relationship?" I wanted to buy myself some time, so I texted back, "What do you mean?" Then, we get into this conversation about how he likes me; I say that I like him but just don't want to be doing something I'm going to regret. Then, he says that what he's really wanting is someone that understands and can be a support. As a side note, this is almost exactly what other guy said to me... I think we moved past the "friendly support" within a couple weeks after establishing it. Then I say that I'm not sure if I can be a support without letting it become something more. Then, he wanted an explanation... I explained. Then, he said he wanted a relationship but wanted things to go slowly, which made me wonder where he was going with the "wanting someone that understands" stuff. Then, he talked about how he really likes me and can't stop thinking about me (sorry, I'm not trying to flatter myself--I promise) and wants to see me before I leave. I have a ton of finals crap to do before I leave, so I told him it probably wouldn't be a possibility. Then, I felt relieved. I felt like I was reliving early March with guy... I was pretty much having the same conversation.

For heaven's sake, what the hell is wrong with me? At least my mixed signals aren't intentional. But honestly--how could anyone put up with me?! I can't even put up with myself.

Maybe it's just the busy time of year with finals and feeling on edge about everything I do... including the time I spend blogging instead of studying :). Or maybe I really should just not connect with anyone. I just hurt and confuse them.

And so daydream becomes more obscure; the haze, more opaque.

The people are there. The path is lit. Why would I want to leave it? Even if I wanted to, there's too much at risk right now.

My life is neatly planned, opportunities are carefully positioned in a way that makes them almost unavoidable. Everything around me is so organized... How am I still a mess?

My Life Would Suck Without You

I wonder if my Pandora is starting to suspect? The song caught me by surprise, that's for sure.

I appreciate all that you've done, winter, but I think we should call it quits for a bit. I have, thankfully, not slipped on any ice on campus, but I'm gripped by terror as I walk around--especially sloping parts of campus... like rape hill, for example. As clean and traction-y as they may try to keep it, it's still impossible to be on top of it 100% of the time. Actually, the list time I fell was my freshmen year. My shoes had no traction, I looked at this hill going down to Helaman Halls, and I thought to myself, If you try to walk down that hill, you're going to fall. And then, I walked down the hill. Scratch that--I took like three steps, and my feet literally flew out in front of me. I landed right on my butt. It hurt soooooo bad, and then I get up and see these people walking into the Tanner building, and they're like, "Dude! Did you see that guy fall?" And then this pretty cute girl that was right behind me was like, "Oh my gosh! Are you ok?" Which I thought was funny since if I weren't gay, I would've been attracted to her and, as a result, more embarrassed than I already was.

Needless to say, my butt hurt for a month (not joking) every time I sat down. It was sad. Last year, no falls. Lets hope for the same this year. I would be devastated if I hurt my laptop when walking to campus. He's been a good little guy thus far, and I don't want to punish him for something he didn't do.

And what else? Well, nothing new to talk about with random guy. We're going to grab dinner on Saturday. He called it a date. I am somewhere between excited and wondering what the hell I'm getting myself into. Part of me hopes it'll go really well. Part of me hopes it'll be our last date. I mean, I'm watching this happen and wondering if I'm setting myself up for a repeat of early March-Augusts' events... emotional/religious/familial conflicts on both ends... I had never told a guy that I loved him, been told by a guy that he loves me.

I see myself as this weird, unprepared, awkward mormon kid that has no idea what he's doing, that doesn't feel like he fits in at all with the gay community... maybe that's why both of these guys are ridiculously straight-acting. Anyway, the fact that I gravitate towards these kinda guys (along with the mormon factors) predispositions me to be confused. And I can't be mad about it. I'm just as confusing... throw just as many mixed signals...

And someday (assuming that daydream was true, and there really will be a guy sleeping in my bed), I'm going to find a mormon guy like me, except we'll have our shit together.

I'm sure it'll happen... hopefully sooner than later...

Designer Skyline

It's been a little while. So this other guy kinda randomly showed up in my life. Turns out that he is... that he likes me... and I'm pretty sure the feeling is mutual. But there isn't anything I can do about it. Like I said before--I don't want to feel like I'm going through my time here trying to deceive the people around me... people that I actually care about.

How appropriate. It happens right as I'm realizing that nothing like that could or should happen while I'm still in school. Can I just please turn over my agency for a bit?

So what else is new? Great job prospects, potential internships for this summer (which is my primary concern), random people with amazing insight and connections that randomly show up in my life and somehow keep the path lit, keep guiding me toward what, by all other accounts, seems like a bright and happy future. Honestly, the industry is really hard to break into. And getting into it the standard way would involve my having a job that would require an average of 100 hours a week (not exaggerating) for two or three years... I would make six months, I think. Then, I would either have a breakdown or kill myself.

But I digress. The point is that I have so much to be grateful for. I have had so much help, and I know these people didn't accidentally show up in my life.

You put them there. You have this unwavering faith in me that manifests itself in so many parts of my life. You've managed everything else besides the being gay part. I know you want me to learn to manage it; I know that great and important lessons will be learned--lessons that will change my eternity. I just wish I had the same faith in you that you have in me. I wish I could thank you with more faith, more devotion to the Gospel. The words may seem empty, but I promise they aren't: Thank you. I am so grateful.

Hark! The Herald Trumpets Sing

I'm going to give this another shot:

The internal conflict comes from the deception. I go to school and pretend like everything is ok and like I'm just your average mormon kid, looking for a wife while getting an education. It bothers me not to be open about my struggle.

But I can live with that.

I couldn't live with hooking up and blatantly disregarding and breaking the rules, the commandments. I couldn't give up the Gospel and pretend like everything was still the same, like I was still "in" the Church, still keeping the commandments. It would make me sick.

So, as we've already decided, that takes care of my little dilemma for as long as I'm in school... for a year-ish... But I feel this growing weight, maybe? I don't know how to explain it--butterflies, anticipation, this overwhelming desire to be ok with myself, to live and love without being afraid of the consequences... Sounds like a dangerous road, right?

Thank goodness I have no inclination to be a criminal or man whore... I mean, you should know what I mean. I guess maybe I was trying to get at that when I wrote about that daydream. I can't live that dream with someone out of obligation. The closer I try to get to a girl, the farther I want to be from her. It's kind of sad, right? I'm not saying that I've given up all hope. For heaven's sake, I'm at school for another year and more, so I might as well keep trying. But the more I try, the more I become convinced that it isn't a life I can live. I could live it if I had the true desire, but I don't, and I don't know how to get it...

So where does that leave me? I go on, for now. I stay faithful. I'll keep trying to date girls to see if I can find one who will help me change. But there's an expiration date on this fight.

And I think I'm done being sorry about it.

Don't Stop Believin'

But it gets gayer--it's the Glee cover of the song!

Hey, sleeping guy in daydream? Can you please sing like that? I mean, you don't have to, but it'd be kinda nice... I'm just sayin'...

And my life, and this void, and guys that could fill it--if only...

So yeah, what prompted this? A movie. It's weird. It's retarded. You know how you can tell I'm confused? My sentences are short.

This has been a blessed break. I've gotten more than 8 hours of sleep every night, I've eaten amazing food, I've gotten to be with my family. I feel like my life is more grounded, like my direction is clearer... does that sound weird?

Ok, I'm gonna go to bed and write when I can be a little more coherent.

Swim

This song is appropriate, to say the least.

I have this class that I've had a few tests in. The class average has been very low C- range, and I keep getting A's on them... good thing I love it. Good thing that its the subject I want a career in. Good thing my professor is ultra supportive/helpful as far as providing direction.

So it lead me to daydream... I had a good job, money, a comfortable life. I came home to a nice, one-story home, walked inside to what look like a pottery barn magazine shoot--just nice, clean, not ostentatious in the least... well, I don't think pottery barn is ostentatious... maybe you do? It was exactly what I wanted... and then, it skipped to the morning. My alarm went off--early. I got out of bed, got in the shower, came back in the bedroom with a white towel wrapped around my waist. There was a guy in my bed. I watched him sleep for second. I kissed him on the cheek--gently so I wouldn't wake him. I kept getting ready, and before I left for work, I kissed him on the cheek once more. He stirred a little. And then I left. I was happy to go to work.

And no matter how hard I try, I can't hate the daydream. Tell me what to do.

O Holy Night

The snow makes it official--I can't wait for Christmas. Actually, I love all of the stuff leading up to it. Christmas day itself is kinda sad just because its the end of the season after that.

I've signed on to type a few times, but I always just close the blog and go do something else. I'm not sure why. Part of me really just does feel like a broken record for saying the things that I do, and a big part of me is focused on so much other stuff in my life.

I made a cranberry chutney... yes, as gay as it sounds... I don't understand why the holidays just naturally make me crave pumpkin, cranberries, chocolate--my calorie intake goes up about 5x, I think. And it's worse because I can't run anymore unless I want to go run on the devil track that hurts and takes 1,000 laps to make a mile. Honestly, a short trail run would take 35 laps, and I usually feel like killing myself long before then.

I had a dream last night, and the guy was in it. I realized that I don't really miss him anymore. It's weird how my memories are either eroding the good from those times or making me see them more objectively... more than likely, it's the latter. My life has made such a weird transition. Or maybe it has circled around to where I was last year. But if my life starts to resemble Groundhog Day, I will move to the wilderness of Peru.

Anyway, about the guy: I was just thinking about how the more aloof I was, the nicer he was; how the more sincere I got, the more aloof he became. So where am I now? Some weird position between aloof and sincere, trying to connect but not willing to commit--does that make sense? Well, for better or worse, it is pretty much impossible to find other guys out here. Well, you can find other guys, but they pretty much just want to hook up. I guess maybe its less (though apparently still a factor) of a hormonal thing for me and more of something with a little more depth.

What am I saying? It's not going to happen. I'm not going to let it happen. Life is balanced and good... not perfect, but good. I'm comfortable with where I am (although it does involve a fair amount of discomfort) and happy with where I'm going. I'd just rather not go by myself, you know? The predicament.

Time out. I'm looking at the "labels for this post:" thing right underneath the box that I type my post in, and it says underneath that, "e.g. scooters, vacation, fall."

Scooters?!

What the hell?! Of all of the random crap you could've put there--family, friends, cooking, pictures... but scooters?! I think I just had a seizure.

But I digress. My life will be ok, I know. I'm picking a direction, I'm moving forward, I'm happy with it, but I don't know how the whole "gay" thing fits into my life. I don't know how I want it to fit into my life. But here's the deal: I plan on enjoying my life, I plan on being happy and surrounding myself with people that I love, people that love me. I'm not going to go through my life as a sad, lonely, self-denying (though we shouldn't make decisions according to appetites--principles, instead) kind of guy. Granted, a certain amount of self denial comes with the territory, but mutual love is (haha... like I actually know what I'm talking about... "seems" may be better) both important and necessary to me. If it's a guy, it's a guy, and I will be happy. "At least we know that if we die, we lived with passion," goes the song.

Maybe I'm condemning myself to a certain fate by making my mind up about that, but I feel unendingly frustrated when I think about this retarded challenge.

Why did you have to ask so much of me? And I know the answer. I know what I am asked to give is a infinitely small fraction of what has already been given. But I don't know if I'm that strong. In fact, I'm almost positive I'm not. I've got so many good people, so many good things in my life, so much that other people don't. But I honestly would give it away to get rid of this challenge. Money? Health? Something. Anything. That stuff isn't what I value very most. You know it. But this. The possibility of not filling this void? I'm sorry. I'm sorry to question. Sometimes I want to yell at you. Sometimes I do yell at you, but you don't say anything back--well, nothing is spoken. But you don't get angry, either. You make me realize that I know exactly what the answer is but leave the path obscure, terrifying. Light it. Please. I can't keep it up like this for long. If I'm going to fight this indefinitely, something has to change.

Carol of the Bells

I feel so much like a broken record, sometimes. It's just that you hear the part that I don't tell anyone else. Because I don't tell anyone else, I have to tell you. I hope you meet me in real life someday so that you can see that there is more to me.

What to say? Well, I've made a decided change of career paths, leaving behind medicine... my parents aren't thrilled, but I feel so excited to go to my classes, do my homework, read my textbooks. It's actually kind of messed up--in a good way. And I can actually imagine myself staying at a job for a long time and being happy to wake up in the morning and go to work. It isn't like I'm afraid of hard work or anything, I just don't feel like I've had too many meaningful jobs in my life, so I haven't had the desire to stay there for longer than I have had to.

Also, I think my body may be concerned about the coming winter, seeing as how I have managed to eat breakfast, lunch, and four (yes, four) dinners. The other sad thing is that I'm not really running too much due to my crazy schedule. It is only a matter of time before I turn into a fatty. The good news is that my jeans are all 30-waist, so I can't actually get fat--at least not there... haha.

And the whole world around me is getting sick. I'm trying to avoid it as much as I can. I would really be ok with foregoing the "swine flu" thing and everything it entails. We'll see how lucky I can be, though.

And maybe I can tell you a story:

Right before I left on my mission, I lost my license and had to go get a new one. My buddy drove me to the DMV and waited outside while I went in and got the new one. I got the license, went outside to my buddy's car, opened the door, and started getting in. Then, I look over to the driver's seat and realize that there is, in fact, a girl sitting there, talking on her cell phone. Her mouth dropped open, and she just stared at me. Turns out that it was the wrong car...

There you go. I'm not such a boring person, after all. And it is late. I will be turning into a pumpkin if I do not go to bed soon.

Early Birdie

I can feel my life hanging in this awkward, delicate balance. There is so much in my life that has the potential to go really, really well for me... but it's up in the air, unknown, uncertain. It kind of makes me uncomfortable because knowing bad news means you can deal with it; knowing good news is, of course, preferable; knowing no news is just not ideal.

Oh well.

Either way, it doesn't cease to amaze me how ridiculously well things can go in spite of my retarded self trying to get in the way. I find that I am ridiculously busy and happiest that way, happiest when it is a good busy. But once it gets to be the bad kind, I start falling apart. Let's just hope it doesn't get to the bad kind.

I get so frustrated by how easily I fall apart. But here I am, finding myself with blessings that I have done absolutely nothing to deserve. I walk around, I wait for things to go wrong in my life, but they don't. He's there, helping, blessing, and I feel like I do so little to show my appreciation, my sincere gratitude.

I had a dream about him last night after I had been reflecting on my current situation and completely undeserved blessings. Why? And I woke up and missed him. But the day picks up speed, and I don't think about it anymore. Then, I get to the end of the day and realize how good things are, how different I feel. Ugh. I have homework.

Greensleeves

Why, yes, I am listening to Christmas music. And this happens to be one of my favorites... next to Coventry Carol.

I've just gotta write so I can get this off my chest. This kid is super perplexing, and he's in half of my classes. And what do I make of it? He isn't. He can't be. But it drives me so freakin crazy because I just want not to have a reason to wonder--for heaven's sake, put me out of my misery. Make it through the semester, then you won't have to worry about it.

I amaze myself with how stupid I am. I just need to get a grip. I just need to pull myself together. Even if he were, he's definitely out of my league by a very long shot... like very long. Thanks, by the way, for being here, little blog. You're the best little blog ever.

And I took a test yesterday while trying to function on a cumulative 12 hours of sleep from the past three days. Maybe other people can survive on that, but I sure can't. Anyway, the numbers all seemed to be moving around. I knew the stuff, but it is supposed to be tricky, and I apparently was in a trick-able mindset... so I'm hoping I land on the curve or just a little bit below it cuz my last test can save me, but still, come on! I'm kind of hoping to have a future.

2 more tests left. And thank goodness I realized that the weekend is coming so that I could make plans. I'm not too big on Halloween, but I love pumpkin pie and cider and really thick, rich hot chocolate and kolaches...

I also discovered that I'm risk-averse. You'll find me investing in only index funds and investment-grade bonds in the future.

And the fear about the future--I think I'm learning a little better to deal with it. There's something exhilarating about choosing and going, leaping, pushing ahead into the darkness.

And kid, you perplex me, and you don't even realize it. Just talk to me--tell me you aren't, that it's in my head.

The Good Fight

I keep finding myself back at the same old problem.

The thing is that this problem seems to affect other parts of my life... there's a root problem that I'm having trouble identifying and addressing. I was reading through some other blogs, and I took comfort in the fact that other people didn't necessarily know for a certainty where they were going, but the unsettling part was that they chose and moved.

And then there's me. I'm so afraid of regretting a decision that I remain stagnant... and I miss the experience of either journey.

But it's the same for my schooling, too. I'm literally trying to study everything I'm interested in. It is honestly killing me, but I'm so afraid of missing some chance or opportunity, of not being in the right place at the right time or lacking skills or experiences... or arriving at the end and realizing that I got off course at some point in the journey.

You have to choose. You can't just keep living in limbo. Of all of the choices, I think that that may be the worst. I may be able to knock myself out with my studies and end up with degrees in everything that I want, but I can't live a straight/gay life and enjoy the benefits of both.

Risk and regret are an inevitable part of life, I think. Every decision has an opportunity cost associated with it, so the best you can do is choose the best and live with it. I respect the people that can make a choice and live with it, that can move forward and trust in whatever it may be--the Lord, themselves. As for me, I need to work on that.

Two posts in one day--that may be a first.

Brighter Than Sunshine

I really wish this would go away. I wish they would go away--the guys that I wonder about, the ones that get to me, the ones that stir and unsettle and make me question my steadfastness. I'm glad I don't know for sure, or I would end up doing something stupid, again. But not knowing doesn't make things much better because the hypothetical situations don't play out ideally in my head.

Anyway, it drives me crazy. I don't know what the heck is my problem.

I've been doing so much better, though. I just want to hold on. I'm glad that there isn't anyone left here that knows about me, that I don't keep in contact with guys that I could have a problem with, not even the guy.

It's just back to being a secret.

I don't know where it came from, but last week, one of my friends (a girl... it might be unsettling if a guy asked me this) asked me what I thought 'love' was. We were waiting for something, so there wasn't really any avoiding the subject.

Love is stopping your world for someone. It's putting everything else on hold to make time for or accommodate the person, to listen, to help. It's stepping out of your box for them, no matter how uncomfortable it may make you. No matter how busy you are or what you have to do, they somehow take priority... They don't ask you to do it, you just do. You have to.

"I can tell you've been in love," she said.

That's the problem.

Well, I have homework to do and a game to watch. Pray that we beat TCU.

The Good Fight

I am a creepy stalker. Just had to throw that out there... I don't even want to tell the story.

I just want to avoid my homework. I have had a pretty dang miraculous week as far as my workload goes, and I also have successfully aced all of the tests in all of my classes so far. What is happening with my life?

I feel better and happier at times, but I still crave the connection. I crave it, but I'm afraid of it, too. It's easy to be afraid of it since everything in my life seems to be going so much better as of right now. Throw in a little opposition, and we'll see how long that keeps up for, but I'm glad for where I am right now.

Bite My Tongue

Well, that was the low point.

I'm glad for the attack of conscience, the sorrow, the realization that I have a sincere desire to be different, to align my will with God's.

So, things have been going up over these past few days. In fact, things started improving shortly after I posted that. I realized that I want to live my life in a way that I can take pride in... I realize that I usually know what the "best" things are, to reference a talk that grew cliche from the millions of references made to it following that conference. Anyway, I feel different when I go to bed with the knowledge that I did what I was supposed to... the best things, the most meaningful...

Does that even make sense?

Regardless, I've felt better about my life, I've felt my confidence waxing stronger, as the scripture goes. There are still the temptations, the perplexities (like nice kid, for example, who is still really nice and confusing), but things feel different. Granted, there will be inevitable highs (one of which I may be currently experiencing) and lows, but I'm glad that I still at least feel highs like this.

And class, my future... I'm pretty stubborn and independent, but there arrives points in time when I can't do something, when there's too much or not enough. The amazing thing is that those times magically work out. I'm still exhausted, but impossible situations suddenly become possible, solutions or doors manifest themselves.

I'm glad, and I'm grateful.

Someone Else's Arms

I don't know where to start. I don't know how to approach or to address--and dress--these wounds.

I had an attack of conscience through a series of awkward and necessary events in which I was only an observer. But to hear and to reflect on this situation, this situation that seems to eclipse the other parts of my life... I haven't dealt with it. I haven't dealt with underlying causes and the rippling effects. I simply try to pick up the pieces and move on. But they remain just that--pieces. There is no resolution, no change of heart, no laying to rest.

It's just me. I'm just trying to do the best I can... alone.

I need to talk to the bishop. What am I afraid of? The awkwardness of it, the pain of shedding light on it... I think it's the pride. It's admitting that I am significantly flawed, more than people around me think. It's the fear of having them think differently about me.

The sincere, fervent prayers happen sporadically... I don't blame Him for being slow to hear my cry, if that's what it is, or maybe I'm just getting the answers that I'm afraid of.

In the end, I suppose this means I'm not dead inside, not numb to the weight and sting of this problem. So I talk to him, I guess. I do something that I haven't been able to do up to this point. I do it in faith, in hope of a better future, of taking these pieces and making a whole.

Right now, I feel kind of like my life is one of those things that you find at a garage sale--a shadow of what it used to be.

But no more pitying myself. I know what I have to do, I know that this is an important starting point for me and that I have the opportunity to experience the same feelings I felt before if I do the things that I know are necessary... If I take that step into the dark, right? We've already talked about that.

Dizzy

This week has been crazy...

And I inevitably make stupid mistakes. It gets a little bit annoying, predictable, frustrating. But the thing is, as I grow increasingly frustrated with myself for coming so far and then slipping, something excellent happens in my life.

I ace my tests, finish my homework early...

I don't really get it. I don't know if I should feel good or bad about it. I mean, on one hand, I could just be heaping condemnations on my head since there is no immediate retribution, just good, just reasons to appreciate my life.

The other part of me thinks that maybe I'm hard enough on myself or something.

Either way, I'm grateful for it.

Squealing tires, U-turn...

No connection, no connecting, but craving it. I need to learn. This kid- it probably isn't even anything, there's nothing there... just good and nice. Learn from your mistakes. Of course there's nothing to do about it-- what could be done? Circumstances are different, stakes are higher. Just see it for what it is; just don't lose your brain.

Ok, got that off my chest. I did 10 1/2 today... and four of those miles were pure hills... two were pure uphill. I took a loop and apparently chose the wrong direction to take it. But I like seeing the bikers and joggers. I like passing the bikers on the hills, and I like seeing other trail runners. It's hard not to feel some weird empathy or camaraderie or something. I'm also not getting snowed on, and that is always appreciated.

This morning (and keep in mind that I'm very confused when I'm waking up) I heard a bunch of pounding and yelling, lights were turning on, I couldn't figure out what was going on. Then, my roommate comes in and says, "Wake up, (other roommate) is hurt." We go in there and the other roommate is talking to the 911 operator, and hurt roommate is having a seizure on the floor. Scary. The paramedics came, me and one other roommate went to go stay with him. It was so early, and I was so tired, and I had so much to get done today.

Then, my one project magically turned out right, got 100% (long story, but I got lucky) on a quiz that I didn't study for, had a hilarious time with my friends... the day started out so weird and ended up so good.

But back to "hurt" roommate. He's ok. They didn't find out what caused it, but people just randomly have a seizure sometime, so I'm glad that he's ok.

And that's the end of my post. I either need to go to bed or do homework, so good night.

American Love

He tried to tear open the wound. Just something of his that I came across-- not sure if it was something he put there recently, or maybe it was just a ghost from the past. And I'm not sure what to do with it. Nothing, I suppose.

It'll be better in the morning, better next week, next month, next year. Little by little, I guess. Conference was good. It seems like the Saturday morning session always ends up being the most applicable, most pertinent. The talk on burdens was insightful and helpful and made me feel just a little bitter... but who am I to complain?

I was running in the mountains the other day. It was really pretty with all of the trees turning colors. Then, it started snowing really lightly. It was an excellent run until about 1/2 mile later when it started blizzarding on me, and I couldn't see the trail, the mountains, or anything that was more than a couple of feet away from me. The snow was blowing straight into my eyes, so I couldn't look ahead... I put my head down and booked it. I haven't run that good of a time in a while. I guess I don't usually run for my life, though, either. Then, the sun came out.

Kill

Part of me doesn't want to be sitting at my computer on a Friday night. The other part of me is ok with it. I kind of like the time to download. I don't understand how I became an introvert. I think it started in my mission. I remember getting really tired of talking to people by the end of it. I decided that I didn't want to talk to anyone when I got home. Haha. That didn't work too well, of course, but I was just glad that I didn't have to talk to so many people anymore...

But it's weird. I definitely wasn't like this before my mission.

Anyway, I have to finish a couple of assignments to submit for tonight and tomorrow, so I guess that I don't really have any choice at all. I had a hiccup, today. It's taken care of, I think.

What do I want to talk to you about? What I want for the future, I guess. I realized today that I do not want to have a career in the area of my major that I was thinking about. I don't want to work 100 hours a week, pull all-nighters. I could do that once in a while, but it would really, seriously affect my productivity. And I also realized that I don't really want to work for someone higher up. From my dad's work, I spent a lot of time around people that were independent, self-made, wealthy individuals who had good ideas and worked hard for themselves. I see my dad doing the same thing, too. They work hard, but they seem happy. They make a good living, too.

But I like the problem-solving, analytical kind of thinking of my major. Maybe I really will go to med school-- I like the problem-solving, working with people, a minimal amount of politics and latter-climbing... maybe I'll just live with my parents. They have jobs.

I think this whole "being gay" thing is what I need in my life to break my will and force me to depend on the Lord. It isn't such a bad thing after all, as long as I don't let it be.

Love Drunk

And I'm posting instead of going to bed.

To say this week has been busy would be an understatement. 3 tests down, 3 to go, and 1 per week (or more) until the end of the semester. I'm so glad it keeps me busy.

I think I'm getting less concerned with my physical shape, too... haha. No belly yet, don't think I'll ever have that problem, but I'm definitely getting less toned. I manage to go running about twice a week. I mean, I'm busy, but I'm sure I could find a way if I really wanted to. It's just that there's no one to impress... nothing I'd be accomplishing. Granted, the running is more for me-- a way to unwind and sort my thoughts--but everything else was... well, anyways...

I can feel the shift, the solidifying of the decision I've made. I can feel my life coming together. There was something thrilling, exhilarating, and chaos-inducing... the instability, the insecurity... and I'm around these girls that I think would always be there, be stable, foster something deeper. I feel safe.

And I'm reading my scriptures, I'm praying, I'm making good choices. I'm getting things back in line with what I think I want to be, what I'm wanting to be. If I could make an unconditional commitment, that would be ideal, but I'll take what I can get. I'll take this desire and run with it. I guess I'm not ready. I kind of miss it, but I'm not ready. And the connection is kind of supplied through my friends. Maybe that was what I was craving... I know I'm gay and am not expecting it to magically disappear, but I feel the intensity diminishing.

And 2 girls. Both asked me out... guess I should work on being a little more traditional. But I like them. I think I could develop something deeper with them. I just wish I could be sure; I don't want to arrive at a future point where I can't take things further, get married, you know?

And please make this:

2/3 c sugar

1/4 c cocoa

1/4 c corn starch

1/4 tsp salt

2 c milk

1/2 c milk

1 egg

2 TBSP Butter

a little less than 1 tsp vanilla (or more if you like it)

Whisk the sugar, cocoa, corn starch, and salt. Slowly whisk in 2 c milk. Microwave for four minutes or so. Mix in extra 1/2 c milk and egg. Microwave for 1 minute intervals until pudding thickens. Once it is at the consistency you want, stir in the butter and vanilla.

Eat it. Eat it while it is warm. Eat it and feel better. It's hard to be unhappy at all when you sit down and eat a whole bowl of that stuff.

And my outlook on life: scary, exhilarating, unknown... but I feel like I'm approaching it all from a stable foundation, a base, and I feel so much better. This is what I need... maybe it isn't permanent, you know? But it is what I need for right now.

The situation, the people, the timing, I know I'm where I need to be. I don't miss the guy--not anymore. I don't need that validation.

I felt this intense, undeniable pressure from expectations I felt like everyone in my life had placed on me: my family, my friends, my ward. But they're a thousand miles away. Here, I feel different. Here, no one seems to expect anything of me. I have time to take care of what I expect of me, what He expects of me...

In 2 Kings: 6, The king of Syria is pissed 'cuz somehow Israel always knows what his next move is going to be. He finds out about Elisha and sends an army to encircle his city, to bring him back. Elisha and his servant wake up in the morning and look out and see an army surrounding the city. "Alas, my master!" the servant says, "How shall we do?"

"And he answered, Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them."

"And Elisha prayed, and said, Lord, I pray thee, open his eyes that he may see. And the Lord opened the eyes of the young man; and he saw: and behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire round about Elisha."

Is it true? Sometimes, I thought I felt them. I felt them in my mission, I think. I think I feel them now. The fight--it'll be a fight--to do what I really think is right... it'll suck, just like it always has. But with the help of heaven? To deny or to miraculously change (though miraculous change is certainly welcome) isn't necessarily what I'm expecting... just the help to do what I think is going to make me happy at this point in my life.

I'm glad for what happened. I'm glad that I learned to connect on a deeper level, recognize that I actually have emotions, deal with them. I'm glad that it happened. I'm glad that it made me cry. I'm glad that it tore me up inside and forced me to recognize the blessings I have unknowingly received from the Gospel, the gradual, miraculous change that affected so many parts of my life, just not the part that I was fixated on; I'm glad that I felt the absence of the Gospel light in my life, a void much deeper and darker than the one I was trying to fill... I'm not ready to give it up. I can't give it up--not yet.

The Formal Weather Pattern

This week.

I can't believe a new one is about to start. I feel like it's a mad dash for Friday.

But today, I have a test, a project to finish, and two more tests to study for, Monday homework to finish, a football game to consider watching. I'm going to try my hardest to be as anti-social as possible. Last Saturday, I wasn't... and I kicked myself the next three nights for the 5 1/2 hours of sleep that I was getting. I can't function on that. I'm an 8-hours-of-sleep kinda guy, and I've decided there's no use in trying to deny that.

But last night was fun. We hiked up to the hot pots... I've never been there before. The name evoked some odd mental images; however, it was really, really pretty, cool, stinky. I don't really crave hard-boiled eggs right now.

And then, there's today, tomorrow, the new week. Things are comfortable--in the good way.

I saw two shooting stars when I was up there. I made a wish--the same wish--on both stars.

A Little Less Sixteen Candles

So much to do.

I don't really know why I felt the urge to blog. I guess I'm glad to have semi-reliable internet in my apartment... finally. I guess that this is where I come when I feel like I need to deal with the gay.

I have been really busy but really entertained in my classes. I feel like the things that I'm learning are applicable, are contributing to my future. It's nice. I like the people in my classes, too. I tend to forget that I'm competing with them because it doesn't feel like that.

And the people in my ward, my complex are great. I forgot that I could actually make friends. I forgot that I get shy around people that I don't know. I forgot what "awkward" felt like with new people. Usually, the only awkward moments I experience are ones when I say something inappropriate and/or offensive, but I can only filter for so long before something slips by, undetected.

I can feel a craving for the connection. I can't, though. I can't do it. I have to take a break, pull myself together, learn from this last time. I don't understand how I can fall so willingly, so quickly. It's dangerous, I know. But I can't have the connection. This is a really important year for me, and I need to do well. At best, I would be completely distracted and enamored. At worst, I'd be kicked out of school for going too far and then confessing or getting caught.

I can function without it. I miss it. I can make it, though.

Sometimes I feel like I have this so that I can spend more time in the service of others. I mean, I could study hard and become a doctor that saves lives, or I could build up a business... and sell it... and live on an island for a couple of years, and then found some great non-profit organization, feed starving children, give people glasses, things like that. But then I remember that I don't want to be alone, that I like feeling like I'm working for someone's benefit, someone that I love.

I found out that my cousin is dying of cancer. I remember her taking me swimming when I was five. I thought she was so funny. She is one of the few people that makes me reconsider taking my life at family gatherings with that side. And my other cousin got married to his boyfriend this past weekend.

And then there's me. The things that people think, the things that they would think if they knew... my parents found his number in the phone bill records. They thought that maybe it was my girlfriend. They added his number to friends and family. I told them it was a guy-- one of my friends. They still ask me about dating. I was going to tell them this summer, but I feel like telling them will make it final, will create a whole different set of expectations, add a wave of landmines to the winding, careful path. I'm having trouble enough with the path and trying not to blow myself up.

I stood on the side of the mountain the other day. I ate my nature valley bar and looked out over the valley-- just like in the commercial.

Ok. Back to homework. But you-- you always listen. Thanks.

1812

My first experience playing it was as a freshman at all-state.

Russian composers treated winds differently. So Tchaikovsky had that going for him. Then, there was his whole "interesting" life. I can't help but identify with him. I think I played it in ensembles 4 more times and heard it performed by the CSO this summer on the lawn at the Ravinia park... if that's how you spell it.

But I digress.

Ok, I have to level with you:

I had gotten over the guy, it's true. There was silence for a little while, and it was at the same time that I could feel myself changing. There was some other stuff, too, but I'm not too big on little details when I'm trying to get to a point. Anyway, I wasn't sure what he was expecting, you know? Because he used to be really transparent, up front...

And so I took it as a sign and made up my mind that it was done, that I wasn't going to pine or mourn. There's too much for me to do to deal with that.

Tonight, I sit down to write a spanish paper, finish an accounting report, analyze a case, do some number-crunching, understand the world economy (haha)... So much homework requiring a lot of focus, uninterrupted time...

"Sorry. I can't talk to you anymore. My bishop is serious."

What the hell am I supposed to feel? Part of me wishes it was por su propia voluntad. It throws me. I guess things shouldn't change, though... right?

But I feel bad, now. It was the catalyst, I guess. My island suddenly got very lonely and dark. I had come to terms, I was ok, I was focused and working and happy.

Part of me figured that this would happen, you know? I mean, I don't think my bishop is the kind of guy that would ever ban me from talking to guys like me, but maybe he would if it were a guy that I used to make out with... even if he were living a thousand miles away.

It just makes it hard. It makes it an unclean break.

I can't get it out, again. This blog is a horrible mess. I just want it to go away. I don't want that feeling anymore. I hate loving and knowing- knowing that it isn't right to feel that way but knowing that those feelings are about as sincere of emotions as I have ever experienced. And I feel myself physically separating, warring over principles that are all inseparably intertwined with what I feel is my spirit. It is a complete dichotomy. The success of one is entirely dependent on the denial, defeat of the other. Coexisting is not a choice; not choosing leads to not existing, to floating and functioning on a level that doesn't recognize emotion. Then, life becomes pointless, colorless.

The journey, the fight shapes and scars and directs me, I know. But I wish I could have a different journey. I don't know if I knew or understood the challenge in the pre-existence. I wish I could have had a different one. I could handle an addiction, I could handle my parents disowning me, I could handle religious persecution because it would all come from the outside. This comes from within, and I apparently know how to put up a good fight with myself.

Just let me forget this, God. Just let this part of me be ripped off and thrown away.

I talked to my dad about internships back at home. He knows lots of people since getting to know really rich people was pretty much his job. I can tell he wants me to go to med school. So does everyone else. I just feel like I should take my life in this direction. If I could get an internship back at home, that would be ideal. If not, I'll try for one somewhere else, but I really liked being around my family this summer... even if I was lazy and didn't have a job. We'll see. The job market isn't great, I know, but I can't keep making decisions in fear of the future. To plan for it is one thing, I think, but to cease to do those things that you really like because of it is another. If this is really what I'm passionate about, I won't have a problem getting a job. I won't have a problem because the connections really are in place, so I shouldn't have to worry. I just don't like uncertainty. I don't like risk unless it is calculated, thought out, and intentionally taken. That will either serve me well or put a gun to my head.

We'll see.

Ok. Thanks for listening... It'll be a sad day when my blog refuses to post my entries.

But please, if there's a guide that you could send my way? You could put it under my pillow, in my mailbox, I'd even go to the top of Timp. The scriptures, I know, but I'm asking for something that is plain, concise... if you could. I mean, I know you've got other things to worry about...

Remember When It Rained?

I've successfully created an island. I feel like I felt a year ago... which makes me wonder if I've changed at all.

Something happened. It abruptly ended with the guy, I think? I don't understand. I feel different, though. I feel angry for the things that I should feel angry about. I've suddenly stopped feeling the same way about him.

And I'm an island. I'm safe, and so is everyone else.

Try to connect, I know. But not too much-- not so much that I hurt someone like I did with the girl, the guy, myself.

I'm sad that I feel safe. I'm sad that I'm afraid of ever trying to connect with someone, again. The ambivalence intensifies. I'm currently a swirling pot of slightly cold/slightly warm... but the connection was like ice and steam, intensified my confusion, blurred my vision, twisted and forked my path. This is easier. There is no path to choose with it. The path that I'm on has nothing to do with liking boys or girls... It just requires good grades, hard work, friends with a little distance between us, sleep, exercise, good music.

I've been 100%. I feel more at peace with myself, more certain that the Lord is pleased with my efforts.

I'd like to blame my conscience on the Church, on its doctrine, but it exists as a deeper, even more permanent part of my self. It existed even before I was a member of the church.

But there's a part of me that wonders if I'm missing out on something amazing-- something difficult but sincere.

Damn it!

To make up your mind, dude, would be a miracle. To decide, to point myself in a direction and go and forget regret... to not look back.

I don't want to be an island. I don't want to be separate, distanced. But I really, really don't want to hurt anyone else, hurt myself... for brief moments, it hurts to be this way. It goes away. My friends come over, I pray, I sleep, I start my homework, I take the first step of that trail. And hours, dreams, miles later, I feel ok. I can continue.

This stupid life: frustratingly excellent. Hurting, humbling, humanizing me. It forces me to feel things that I hate feeling. It forces me to see myself differently, to look in the mirror and see someone raw, unrefined, jagged. It makes me look at others differently, too. It makes me nicer, more caring, more compassionate. They become my proxy for myself. I treat them well in an effort to treat myself well.

Not getting it out.

It'll be ok. I know it will.

The trail is hard to run. It's ugly and uphill for the first mile. Then, the view suddenly becomes amazing, my steps get lighter, my thoughts start to wander out across the valley. I know it is where I'm supposed to be.

This trail... where to start? The view, I guess, really is beautiful...

I'm Waiting

I'm reading my scriptures, I'm praying, I'm getting better...

I'm really missing the connection right now. I'm missing the closeness.

The divide... ugh. How can I avoid it? It's impossible, I guess. When I'm not doing the right thing, I feel a longing to do the right thing. When I'm doing the right thing, I feel a longing not to do the right thing...

A change of heart is what I need, I guess. My mission president taught that it was only the Holy Ghost who could provide that change. I prayed, but maybe I wasn't sincere... how can I sincerely desire a change of heart if my heart has to change to desire it? But the pendulum swings of my preferences make it hard to beat a path in either direction-- fighting, clearing, pushing ahead... turning around, moving the other way, fighting, clearing, pushing ahead...

I can't complain. Everything else in my life is surprisingly put together, successful. I'm really grateful. It's just this. And it's just tonight. I guess I'm just feeling a longing to feel some reconciliation of these two parts.

I feel so much like a broken record, a static character. I promise I'm not. I'd kind of like to tell you about other stuff in my life, but I don't want you to stumble across this and know who I am. There was the Matis fireside this week. I kind of wanted to go, but I'm afraid of connecting, again. And it's hard to connect because then you're angry for either pulling that person away from the church or pulling yourself away from the church, or both. You realize you aren't happy without them, but you're not happy with them because you care about them and know that you aren't making their life easier.

Then, again, loving someone isn't making life easier. It's easier to separate yourself from that emotion...

I'm confused.

But I need to stop focusing on that. I really have an excellent set-up (minus the gay thing) in life right now. I mean, I'm still not sure how exactly my future is going to turn out, but I like my classes, I'm getting really good grades, I have great roommates, a great ward, good friends, money (thank goodness!), a nice tan... Life is good, TC. Life is good.

Anyways, thanks, again, for listening to my craziness.

I feel like I should tell you a story just to make this worth your time.

When I was little, and I had to go to the bathroom, I used to hold it until the last possible second... I don't know why. One time, we were sitting at the dinner table, and I knew I had to go, but I kept waiting. I was 5. Suddenly, I had to go-- really, really bad. I jumped out of my chair, ran through the kitchen, bounced off the walls as I ran through there and the TV room, into the foyer, into the bathroom, and I passed out and fell right between the toilet and the sink. My head hurt, but you know what? Even though I passed out, I still didn't wet myself. And I never tried to hold it that long ever again. The end.

Dance Inside

I did it!

I chased the guy-- the one in my dream... He was trying to kill me, as per usual, but then, I became a police officer? I don't know. I didn't change clothes or anything, but I knew I had the authority, and he knew I had the authority, and he tried to run away. I didn't catch him, but I was close. I had to wake up, or maybe I would have.

My classes are going to keep me busy, and I feel a lot of pressure to make sure that I keep up (and even ahead) of them. But I don't feel afraid. I don't feel afraid of my future or of who I am or what I'll become. That doesn't mean that I know the answers, but that I trust in my abilities. Not in the proud way-- I just feel like if I have the will power to stay sane and on this path after all of the other crap that has happened, my classes should be cake.

I made chicken with herbs de province and lavender for dinner and warm, homemade chocolate pudding for dessert. It was comfort food, though I didn't really need the comfort... It's hard to describe the things that I feel when I eat foods that me and my family make. Food is our way of showing love haha... good thing I run because I would definitely be a fatty if I didn't.

I argued politics. I'm a democrat, and not because I'm gay. It felt good. I like having enough confidence in myself to disagree, to speak up. I hadn't done that in a while.

What am I trying to get at? The equilibrium is returning. My world is stabilizing. What changed? My feelings for the guy. I don't understand when they changed. Actually, I do... My school, some restored feeling of self-worth. It eliminated the need for constant reassurance. I miss the connection, I miss him, but something is different.

Ok, I guess it's probably time to do some homework.

Wait! I forgot to tell the other part of my story. I was walking to school today, and I saw a kid that I've known for a little while. I'm relatively positive that he's gay. I would like to ask him about it, but that might be kinda offensive, you know? But he's a solid, good kid, so I'm just curious. But besides that, I kind of like being an island-- being away from the drama that I hear about through the grapevine (two guys that I still talk to... neither of which are here). That wasn't really a good story. Sorry. Ok, now I'm going to go do some homework because it is late and I really want 8 hours of sleep.

As Lovers Go

I need to think of a new method for naming my posts. I think I may eventually run out of song titles that I like.

Ok, so I know that I just posted yesterday... but anyways...

I keep having these dreams where someone is trying to kill me. For real. A couple nights ago, I dreamt that I found a dead guy in a car in the woods and that this couple was chasing me. Somehow, I knew they wanted to rape and kill me... right... don't judge me...

Then, suddenly, I was out of the woods and at my dad's house. I ran through the neighborhood and onto a nearby street. I was running down the street and calling 911 on my cell phone (thank goodness, too). I told the operator that I was running down 60th street. The operator told me that a police officer usually patrols in that area and that he should be by in about 15 to 20 minutes. I tried to explain that this couple was trying to chase me, but she wasn't getting it. I ran for a long time, and I got to a mexican grocery store. I went in the back and hid until I thought it was safe. As I came out, there was a white, old man that looked really creepy. I tried to run from him, but he stabbed me in the back of the knee with a syringe. I felt myself getting dizzy, so I got to a checkout counter and climbed on top of it. The checkers stared at me, but I tried to fight the dizziness and tell them what was happening. Then, people started disappearing into thin air. I was alone. Then I woke up.

Then, last night (and this is why I'm writing-- I'm going to go insane if I keep having these dreams), I dreamt that I was in a big house with this guy. It wasn't the guy, just a guy. We were in the basement, and there was a chapel there. We were sitting in a pew and took a couple pillows that were sitting there. Suddenly, my older sister was there, and she looked like she wanted to hurt me. She kept getting closer, so I punched her in the face, but she had metal plates in her head, so nothing happened, I guess... it was an evil, robot-sister... So me and this guy started running, then we got separated. There was a staircase that went down on one side, curved around behind a wall, and went back up to about the same place. I hid there. There were wind chimes along the wall of one side, and I suddenly heard them chiming. I thought it was my sister, so I started running up the other side. Then, I saw my sister coming down that side and realized that it was the guy on the other side. I started running up after him.

We got to a room with these two little boys that were like 10 or something. I told them my sister was trying to kill us. One of the kids got this giant, wooden hand... like those foam hands at football games, but wooden... it was weird... anyways, he put it on and went and hit my sister in the head. It made her get disoriented, so me and this guy ran by. Then, we called the police. Then, I grabbed a butter knife and realized that my sister was chasing us with a butter knife, too. I tried to talk to her and ask her why she was doing this, but she didn't say anything. Then, we were outside of the house. It was night. The guy was gone. My mom was there in her old car, so was my uncle (who is dead) and my aunt. My sister was there, too, and everything seemed normal. For some reason, I still had the pillows that I took from the chapel, so we went back downstairs and returned them to a fat, old man who was sitting in the pew.

And those have just been from the past couple of nights. I've been having them every other night, starting the night that I visited the guy on my way out here. So, even though I don't really believe in dream interpretation, I decided to check out what the internet (a reliable source...) had to say:

Dreams of being chased are common dream themes. As with most of the common dreams, they often stem from feelings of anxiety in your waking life. Running is an instinctive response to physical threats in your environment. In these dreams, you can be pursued by an attacker, an animal, or an unknown figure who wants to hurt or possibly kill you. In turn, you run, hide, or try to outwit your pursuer. Your actions in the dream parallel how you respond to pressure and cope with fears, stress, or various situations in your waking life. Instead of confronting the situation, you are running away and avoiding it. Ask yourself who is the one chasing you so that you can gain understanding and insight on the source of your fears and anxieties.

The pursuer or attacker who is chasing you in your dream may also represent an aspect of yourself. Your own feelings of anger, jealousy, fear, and possibly love, can assume the appearance of a threatening figure. The shadowy figure can also symbolize rejected characteristics of yourself. You may be projecting these feelings onto the unknown chaser. Next time you have a chase dream, turn around and confront your pursuer. Ask them why they are chasing you. Perhaps you are running away from something. What are you trying to fun from?

Consider the distance or gap between you and your pursuer. This indicates your closeness to the issue. If the pursuer is gaining on you, then it suggests that the problem is not going to go away. The problem will surround you until you confront and address it. However, if you are able to widen the gap, then the problem is becoming less and less of an issue.

There you have it. I'm apparently trying to deal with my feelings of anxiety. The thing is, I don't really feel anxious? Or maybe I do, and I just don't recognize it. It's just weird that it started after I visited the guy... and I don't feel like anything particularly important came of it, so I don't understand why it started right after that. Anyway, I'm going to fight next time I have a dream like that... which, by my calculations, should be tomorrow night... haha. Even if they kill me, I'll fight just to see what happens.

Besides my unnerving dreams, life has been good. I kinda miss the guy this morning. I kinda miss the connection. Then, I get busy.

The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knew

Thank heavens I'm busy.

I like studying business. I like it because the only way to be successful (dang it, I hate absolutes because they can always be argued. You are not welcome to disprove this statement.) is to be confident, articulate, aggressive (in a BYU-honor-code-friendly way).

I'm not any of those things unless it becomes necessary. And it is, now. I kind of like it. For some reason, I don't feel so self-conscious about the fact that I'm gay... We go back and forth on this a lot, I know, but feelings are weird and confusing. Aaaanyways, the fact that I have these issues to deal with is suddenly unimportant because I'm busy and focused on something that really isn't affected by sexuality.

Whatever. Wording crap is hard sometimes.

Suffice it to say that I feel great having purpose, direction, a sense of urgency, and some competition. I'm trying to fight for my future, you know?

And the more I get into my studies, the less sure I am that I want to go to medical school afterwards. I tried telling my mom, once. "Really?" she said with a very sad tone, "But I thought you wanted to be a doctor?" Magically, I got the same response (with slight variations in wording) from my dad, step-mom, and two sisters. I think they want me to be a doctor?

Ok, I'm going to put that decision on hold for right now. But It's kind of sad that I actually really look forward to studying. It's nerdy, I know, but I read about investments for three hours the other night and wanted to keep going.

I appreciate the shift in focus... the necessary shift in focus. The guy continues to perplex me at times, but something about the whole situation seems better now.

I almost stepped on a rattlesnake last night when I was running. It was scary. Besides that, I felt great. I ran 10.5 miles and only saw two people. I love that trail. I love being up there where it is quiet. It gives me a chance to let my mind wander (until I almost step on snakes). Contemplating helps me keep things in perspective.

I'm going to go do some homework.

Hear You Me

Wow, that was a long break.

I guess it hasn't been much longer than a week, but it still felt like a long time to me. Things were kinda hectic there for a while, and I haven't had a reliable internet connection since I left home...

Where to start?

I stopped and met up with the guy on my way out. That was a bad choice, but I missed him a lot. It certainly didn't help me like him less. He's a really good guy. Anyway, we probably won't be seeing each other on a regular basis because he's far away.

It's just completely unique and amazing to spend time with someone you love, someone who loves you. Life seems to slow down, enjoy itself more. The world treats you differently, better. You connect-- what you find yourself trying to do every day. You connect with someone on such a level and to such an extent that you feel safe, you feel home. Everything else suddenly seems less important, more manageable.

So to tell you that I haven't slipped or faltered in my resolve would be a lie. It would be a lie because this reaches to my core, elicits emotions that are real, terrifying, and completely undeniable. Real because I feel myself functioning on a more sincere level. Terrifying because they conflict with what I'm trying to fight for. Undeniable because they are so deeply woven that I couldn't deny them without denying everything else about me.

I can go on. I can do this. I just wish I didn't have to.

Arduous, right? That's what it is.

Bloodshot

I'm going back.

What a strange feeling. I was packing my stuff up, had the windows open in my room. It was so nice outside. The weather made me feel like it was time to leave-- ok, trying not to sound crazy. I think that that is what the weather usually feels like when I'm leaving, so it seemed appropriate... just weird, cuz it definitely isn't August weather.

Good, now that I'm making no sense and contradicting myself... forget it...

As I was packing my car, I was having flashbacks of the angry, hurt, rushed retreat from Provo in June. I was thinking about what has changed since then.

I really have become a lot more independent... again. I guess the difference isn't in that I don't feel, but those feelings provoke different responses, you know? I don't feel like I'm retreating from home. I did last year. I could feel myself slipping after my mission, and I just wanted to get out to school and be around people who were going to have a good influence on me. I had to leave, so I did-- fast. And then June was most definitely a retreat in the worst way.

But this is different. I feel comfortable, confident. The future isn't more certain for me, but I'm more certain of myself, more certain of my ability to adapt, to survive, to fight. Granted, a car accident could kill me tomorrow, but the point is that this isn't a retreat. I'm finally learning to deal with the thing that I've been trying to retreat from this whole time-- myself. While the problem isn't easy to resolve, it's a start.

I started by envisioning this worst-case scenarios I could experience, within reason: Getting kicked out of school, getting outed, and losing my friends. I thought about what would happen, you know? Like for real. But there was always an and then? And with that, another step. Even in the face of my "worst-case scenario," life would go on. I wouldn't give up, and my life wouldn't be ruined.

So this frantic voice in my head diminished to some incoherent, quiet mutterings... haha, I'm still schizophrenic... not really, but I sound like it? But I digress.

I was so afraid of what would happen, and it was making my life so stressful for me. But then, I entertained the thoughts, my fears, and I'm not so afraid anymore. And I'm not driven and consumed by that fear.

For a change, I'm heading back to Provo with a small sense of victory.

Only Ashes

I had lunch with the smart kid, the friend.

It was good. It was normal. He knew, I knew, but there was no expectation, no mutual attraction (none on my part), we were there.

I liked it. I like the fact that I don't feel like I'm completely insane. He knows everything about me, and he's still there.

This isn't a confession of love for the smart kid... just appreciation, just an understanding of what I've been wanting and a fulfillment of that want. It doesn't change my problem, doesn't make it go away, but it puts it into perspective. It diminishes. This "great, terrible" problem that seems to eclipse everything else I do in my life loses power, becomes transparent or moves or shrinks or something...

It's just nice to look at someone who, knowing everything they know about you, looks back at you and seems completely fine with the situation.

It's the same way with the guy, I should say... but that's still definitely far from platonic, and I guess there's a difference, you know? Or maybe not.

I didn't want to talk about the guy. I just need to talk about it here because I can't talk about it anywhere else. I could've talked about it with the smart kid, but I don't really like talking about my feelings in person. Blogging feels different... I don't know why...

We talked. I prayed the night before-- prayed for help and patience and grace, expressed my desires, my resolutions. Then we talk the next night. It was an especially good conversation? I don't know how to make that sound like it should. But it was. We were saying good-bye. "I love you," he said. "I love you, too" I told him. "I love you," he texted after.

And then part of me felt like I was coming undone. I prayed. I wanted to do good. I wanted to be good. And this happened, and part of me was torn up because I do love him, and part of me realized this was a really obvious obstacle placed to discourage me?

And then, all parts of me agreed that I'm expecting something dramatic and immediate. A change in the way I live my life needs to be made, is being made, but it won't be instant. Weighted, small steps, initially; but, as you draw nearer to the goal, or farther from the start, the steps lighten, the stride lengthens.

Or maybe, again, I just have a skewed perception of progress.

Discursive. I'm having trouble getting it out.

To Repeat myself, maybe: A General Authority speaking in my mission talked about how the only way to get rid of darkness was with light.

He's right. It's so much harder to get rid of the undesirable things in our life simply by focusing on removing them from our lives. Instead, we must focus on filling our lives with good. The light burns brighter, the darkness occupies less space with the increasing intensity of the light.

It starts with a spark, I guess.

75%. Not great, but a start.

Who I Am Hates Who I've Been

I can fight.

I cried. That never happens. It was night, I was alone. I was frustrated-- why wouldn't that feeling go away?

And then I realized something: I was frustrated with me, not the problem. "I don't think this will ever go away, but I'm happier than I've ever been," said the kid-- the smart one, the friend.

What have I become? To make decisions based on appetites and desires is a horrible way to live my life. Instead, I must live my life according to my values... I know I've said it, but I guess I'm seeing it more completely. Living my life according to my values means forgoing those appetites and desires that don't reflect the things that are important to me:

1. My family

2. My Integrity

3. The Church and everything it entails

"Sometimes it's good to feel an external obligation," the bishop said to me. I didn't want to believe him, but I know he's right. I can feel the weight of what my family hopes for me. I love them so much. I value them, and I compromise them by indulging in my desires and appetites. I pretend that everything is ok. I compromise my integrity.

And then there's the church. I fought so hard. I knew it was the right thing, and I was willing to sacrifice whatever was required of me. I spent hours studying the doctrine, hours arguing about the doctrine. My dad sold my car, cut me off, financially. I didn't care-- I knew it would be ok. It was ok. It was more than ok-- it was miraculous.

I felt something that I haven't had anywhere else. It wasn't the euphoric sensation of finally experiencing what I had always wanted... a sensation that didn't last. This was something that permeated all aspects of my life. This was something that made me

Better

Better in the way I interacted with the people around me, better in the way I treated myself, better in the way I worked and lived.

I was right-- the problem was there. It always was. It grew and yelled and screamed, but I felt like I could grasp an unshifting, a stable foundation. I just grasped and stayed still and waited for the storm to pass.

And then I didn't.

The coefficient of static friction is greater than that of kinetic, right? To hold fast in the storm was easier after exerting the initial, intense effort to lie solid, still, immovable. And once I moved, I didn't feel like I had the energy to stop again.

So look, I don't want this blog to be about spiritual gyrations. Like I said before, I feel like I need to give the Gospel a shot. I want you to help me... er... just look for "yes, yes, no, no" at the beginning of my posts. That's the goal.

You know how I signed off on every single journal entry (and I wrote daily, mind you) for three years?

The fight is still worth it.

Suicide Blonde

Do you ever have those "What the heck am I going to do with my life?" kinda days?

I think it had something to do with the fact that I was sick and confined to my bed and the couch. But still, do you ever imagine what your life is going to look like 20 years from now? I mean, I haven't been alive for much longer than 20 years, what is it going to look like?

And then I feel this desire to gravitate toward normalcy... sounds so good in theory, you know? I mean, it is so easy to imagine my life as a 40-something-year-old with a wife, kids, a house with a big yard, a normal job...

What's the cost? What does it take? And then, there's the sobering realization that I love another guy, that I feel an attraction to guys that I have never felt to girls. It's hard to imagine my life as a 40-something-year-old with another man. A family? Maybe. A house, big yard, normal job? Possibly. What is it that makes me feel uneasy?

Ideally, it would be that I don't really feel like that is what I want in life... but that's not the truth. The truth is that I don't know if I would be comfortable being around other people and living that way. It comes back down to that desire to "fit in" and be normal. There are places, though-- San Francisco, for example. There are places where that isn't considered abnormal... places where I wouldn't feel weird...

I drive down the street (because walking is cliche and not terribly practical here) and see all of these houses, families, dads that are mowing the lawn or grilling or kissing their wife, and I curse my situation... myself... If only you could be normal.

Where are you, God? I guess it's my fault, though, and I say that without guile or sarcasm. You were there when I looked for you. Now, I feel like you're silently looking over my shoulder, weeping and wishing you could say something, make me see.

But I can't, don't you understand? I don't mean to condescend. I tried, I fought, I did everything I could. I bent my entire will on living a Gospel-centered life, and I did... But it never went away. It lurked, grew. The better I got at feigning normalcy, the more it hurt to do it. The closer I got, the more pain I felt for the person I am, for the challenges that I'm facing. I can't hurt anymore.

To imagine myself at 40, gay, in a monogamous relationship with a guy scares me because it means letting go of the things that I've held so closely. It means leaping off the cliff. It's easy in the Church... well, relatively speaking. It's easier because I can feel that it's what the Lord wants me to do.

But this. This is rebellion. This is leaping and trusting in myself. And maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, but the decisions I make now will shape my future... so keeping my future in mind should help me make better decisions in the present.

This damn problem.

Ok, just gettin the crazy out. Sorry.

A fin de vueltas, as they say, I have more to focus on. This isn't the only part of my life that I should be concerned with. I'm going to live a happy life, and I guess I need to accept the fact that "happy" isn't necessarily "normal."

A happy life, for me, is one that is based on decisions made with deepest sincerity and loyalty to one's values. A life lived to please others is hardly a life, let alone a happy one.

I feel better.

P.S: An addendum, I guess. I talked to the other kid. I don't talk about him much. I've known him since before I knew the guy. He talked some sense into me. I realized that I'm trying to force myself down a path that I'm not ready to take. To choose it because it is what I want is one thing, but to choose it because I'm too tired to fight is another. I shouldn't give up. I'm not ready to do that.

I guess I'll keep the rest of the post on here... for now, at least.

Let It Happen

Well, I'm back from my vacation from Middle-of-nowhere, MN.

I've got this pesky northern accent. No matter how hard I try to get rid of it, it just won't go away. And then I go and spend a week in Minnesota, and I lose all the ground that I gained. Oh well.

"It's cute," he says.

Why do I care what he says? And how does he know when I'm going to start blogging? I swear that the moment I sign into this blasted thing, he calls or texts or something.

Dammit. I get so close. I read your blog, Avery. It was funny because it was exactly what I was about to get on here and write about. Knowing and doing are so frustratingly different. Feeling that I could be ok, happy, peaceful just doing what I'm supposed to do... but it's there. It's always there. It'll always be there. I'm trying to be fully invested, but I can't do it. I can't do it because I can't feel like it is the only way that I'll be happy.

I can't do it because I can't adopt that weird self-loathing, again. It was so painful. I'm getting used to the person that I am and learning to look beyond the fact that I'm gay.

To do something meaningful and good in life is not solely reserved for heterosexuals, you know? I've wanted to fit in for so long. I get close, but not quite. In the back of my mind, I know that I'm not quite fitting in-- that there's a part of me that I feel like I have to hide, shun, fear. And in the dark corner of my mind, it grows, yells, screams, consumes my thoughts, distracts me, destroys me.

But now, I deal with it. I think about it. I contemplate it, I guess. I accept the fact that it exists, that it is a part of my life, and I feel this weird sense of liberation. How is it that I feel more stable with accepting the issue?

I just can't get it out tonight, not like I want to get it out.

He's there, talking to me, and I can't figure out what it is that he wants from me. Hot and cold, you know? And I have the whole "church" thing that makes me understand that this really is a "hot/cold" kinda deal. I mean, hey, I do it myself. And so here I am, wanting some sense of stability. I think that I achieve it, and then he says something or does something that throws me off balance. Not a catastrophe, but it throws me off balance, and I start to reevaluate my position.

I want the moral support. I want the emotional connection, the physical attraction, the mutual love, respect. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and have a reason to go do something great, productive, amazing. Sad, I know. I should have that desire independently. But I don't. I know, deep down, that I would be able to accomplish a moderate amount and feel just fine with that. But I need someone to push me, and I need someone that I want to help be happy.

Gay. It's so gay.

I've stopped feeling the spiritual gyrations. Have they stopped? Am I just numb?

And I have to be honest: When I first met him, I couldn't focus to save my life. It was pretty pathetic. So am I just kidding myself in saying that I need someone that can push me? Could they push me? Should I possess this desire independently? But it's deeper than that, I know. I guess that it leads to some want that I don't fully understand...

Here I am, looking over the edge of a cliff, staring down, searching for the ground, but only seeing clouds, fog, mist. There are no predecessors, no smiling faces to encourage, empathize, guide, counsel. Others may try, but we are the only ones that truly understand our position. So, seeing no bottom, we leap, right? We jump without knowing. We jump and trust. In what?

I would jump if only I could answer.

Sunday Best

Should I brace myself for something bad to happen?

I feel good. My scholastic future is secured. I feel refreshingly independent... I think that the fortuitous turn of events isn't the sole reason for the feeling, but it was, at least, a catalyst of sorts.

I feel like things are stabilizing. My friends, my family, my education, my future-- things that I am thankful for... things that I value.

There's the guy, and I love him (but shouldn't, but do, but... we've already been over this), but something has changed. I've changed. I feel more in control of myself, more in control of my reactions, responses, outlook. My situations-- I can't control them, but I can't be at their mercy. I can't be tossed about according to the wind, you know? More stable, more certain of myself, more ok with the person I am, less affected by the opinions of others.

I have full faith in my ability to establish a happy, successful life for myself and the people that I will ultimately share it with. I can't spend my time and energy trying to prove something to someone. I have nothing to prove to anyone.

There is no chance, no fate, no destiny that can circumvent or hinder or control the firm resolve of a determined soul.

I love the quote because I believe it is both true and intensely applicable to my life. My choices regarding my sexuality? Not determined. A happy life? Determined. A successful life? Determined. A fulfilling life? Determined. Then chance, fate, destiny are rendered powerless, right? It sounds so much simpler than it is, but "difficult" and "achievable" are not synonymous.

Yeah, it's easy to write this while I'm currently feeling excellent, but I can't help but believe that it's true, come what may.

I won't brace myself. I'll fully enjoy the situation. And I'll forge ahead, even when things get tough... come to think of it, times like those are some of my happiest memories.

My Friend's Over You

I've gotta blog... not sure why.

I had the overwhelming urge to leave and go back to school. I'm not sure why...

I just had this weird, restless feeling like there's something more I need to be doing... or something that's missing... well, that's the story of my life, but I was more aware of it tonight, for some reason.

The last time I had a restless feeling like this, it was 'cuz the guy told me he made out with someone, and I, consequently, crammed, packed, took my finals, and drove home. That was a different kind of restless. But I guess that in both situations, I've felt like I need to do something different with my life...

Ugh, this isn't making as much sense as I was hoping.

I caught a glimpse. There was a gyration, but not the same kind of one I'm used to having. Tearing myself down, pulling myself apart...

And she just texted me. I feel this pain or longing for something that I honestly don't feel like I can have. If only I could be straight, I would be so happy with her. Dammit. This stupid challenge. I'd take drug addictions or chronic illness or deaths and pestilence or anything else in the world because it would be, in essence, external. As far as the external challenges that I've faced in life go, I feel like I've faced them successfully.

But this internal one...

You can't. You've been trying for the past five (almost six) years, and nothing has changed. This is a part of you, and it isn't going away. This is something you have to accept.

I can't tell. Am I right? Is it? It's way more confusing.

Back to what I was saying, though... I know I've talked about it before, but I have a knack for ripping myself apart, making myself feel worthless. I've been doing better, but I had a brief attack of it tonight. And then, I experienced some kind of mental whiplash. It was a gyration in that regard.

It's in my nature to compare myself to others. It's been good for some things... Scratch that-- it hasn't been good for anything. Yeah, it made me good at music, but at what cost? And now, I base my self-worth on how I compare to others. But the thing of it is that I can't compare myself to others...

Their situations, their experiences, their challenges are different than mine. They may play trumpet like me, they may run like me, they may study what I study, but the comparison ends there. There are a million contributing factors to the situation-- factors that I don't know or understand. We do the same things, but we are very different people.

My self worth depends on factors they could never begin to influence.

Ok. I'm done.