Only Ashes

I had lunch with the smart kid, the friend.

It was good. It was normal. He knew, I knew, but there was no expectation, no mutual attraction (none on my part), we were there.

I liked it. I like the fact that I don't feel like I'm completely insane. He knows everything about me, and he's still there.

This isn't a confession of love for the smart kid... just appreciation, just an understanding of what I've been wanting and a fulfillment of that want. It doesn't change my problem, doesn't make it go away, but it puts it into perspective. It diminishes. This "great, terrible" problem that seems to eclipse everything else I do in my life loses power, becomes transparent or moves or shrinks or something...

It's just nice to look at someone who, knowing everything they know about you, looks back at you and seems completely fine with the situation.

It's the same way with the guy, I should say... but that's still definitely far from platonic, and I guess there's a difference, you know? Or maybe not.

I didn't want to talk about the guy. I just need to talk about it here because I can't talk about it anywhere else. I could've talked about it with the smart kid, but I don't really like talking about my feelings in person. Blogging feels different... I don't know why...

We talked. I prayed the night before-- prayed for help and patience and grace, expressed my desires, my resolutions. Then we talk the next night. It was an especially good conversation? I don't know how to make that sound like it should. But it was. We were saying good-bye. "I love you," he said. "I love you, too" I told him. "I love you," he texted after.

And then part of me felt like I was coming undone. I prayed. I wanted to do good. I wanted to be good. And this happened, and part of me was torn up because I do love him, and part of me realized this was a really obvious obstacle placed to discourage me?

And then, all parts of me agreed that I'm expecting something dramatic and immediate. A change in the way I live my life needs to be made, is being made, but it won't be instant. Weighted, small steps, initially; but, as you draw nearer to the goal, or farther from the start, the steps lighten, the stride lengthens.

Or maybe, again, I just have a skewed perception of progress.

Discursive. I'm having trouble getting it out.

To Repeat myself, maybe: A General Authority speaking in my mission talked about how the only way to get rid of darkness was with light.

He's right. It's so much harder to get rid of the undesirable things in our life simply by focusing on removing them from our lives. Instead, we must focus on filling our lives with good. The light burns brighter, the darkness occupies less space with the increasing intensity of the light.

It starts with a spark, I guess.

75%. Not great, but a start.