I think it had something to do with the fact that I was sick and confined to my bed and the couch. But still, do you ever imagine what your life is going to look like 20 years from now? I mean, I haven't been alive for much longer than 20 years, what is it going to look like?
And then I feel this desire to gravitate toward normalcy... sounds so good in theory, you know? I mean, it is so easy to imagine my life as a 40-something-year-old with a wife, kids, a house with a big yard, a normal job...
What's the cost? What does it take? And then, there's the sobering realization that I love another guy, that I feel an attraction to guys that I have never felt to girls. It's hard to imagine my life as a 40-something-year-old with another man. A family? Maybe. A house, big yard, normal job? Possibly. What is it that makes me feel uneasy?
Ideally, it would be that I don't really feel like that is what I want in life... but that's not the truth. The truth is that I don't know if I would be comfortable being around other people and living that way. It comes back down to that desire to "fit in" and be normal. There are places, though-- San Francisco, for example. There are places where that isn't considered abnormal... places where I wouldn't feel weird...
I drive down the street (because walking is cliche and not terribly practical here) and see all of these houses, families, dads that are mowing the lawn or grilling or kissing their wife, and I curse my situation... myself... If only you could be normal.
Where are you, God? I guess it's my fault, though, and I say that without guile or sarcasm. You were there when I looked for you. Now, I feel like you're silently looking over my shoulder, weeping and wishing you could say something, make me see.
But I can't, don't you understand? I don't mean to condescend. I tried, I fought, I did everything I could. I bent my entire will on living a Gospel-centered life, and I did... But it never went away. It lurked, grew. The better I got at feigning normalcy, the more it hurt to do it. The closer I got, the more pain I felt for the person I am, for the challenges that I'm facing. I can't hurt anymore.
To imagine myself at 40, gay, in a monogamous relationship with a guy scares me because it means letting go of the things that I've held so closely. It means leaping off the cliff. It's easy in the Church... well, relatively speaking. It's easier because I can feel that it's what the Lord wants me to do.
But this. This is rebellion. This is leaping and trusting in myself. And maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, but the decisions I make now will shape my future... so keeping my future in mind should help me make better decisions in the present.
This damn problem.
Ok, just gettin the crazy out. Sorry.
A fin de vueltas, as they say, I have more to focus on. This isn't the only part of my life that I should be concerned with. I'm going to live a happy life, and I guess I need to accept the fact that "happy" isn't necessarily "normal."
A happy life, for me, is one that is based on decisions made with deepest sincerity and loyalty to one's values. A life lived to please others is hardly a life, let alone a happy one.
I feel better.
P.S: An addendum, I guess. I talked to the other kid. I don't talk about him much. I've known him since before I knew the guy. He talked some sense into me. I realized that I'm trying to force myself down a path that I'm not ready to take. To choose it because it is what I want is one thing, but to choose it because I'm too tired to fight is another. I shouldn't give up. I'm not ready to do that.
I guess I'll keep the rest of the post on here... for now, at least.
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