Love and Memories

I have a million things I need to be doing...

But today's a dreary day, so it's hard to get a fire lit under me. And, at the same time, I really did accomplish a lot earlier.

Now, everything is quiet, and I've got some alone time... finally. How do parents manage to raise kids when they pretty much have to be around them all of the time? Granted, there's work and everything, but I still like to go home and have some quiet the unwind. At the same time, I think about spending time with my niece and nephew--even when I'm tired, they energize me if I just push thoughts of being tired out of my head.

We were talking about coming home from our missions today. I remember sitting on the plane... thinking that this was just a really long transfer. I remember my connecting flight, saying good-bye to the same elders I had flown out with almost two years earlier. I remember writing in my journal on the flight... I remember thinking about how much I had done--how much good I had done. I didn't want to let it go. I knew what I was, and I was aware of it as I wrote.

The promises I was so sure about came with their caveats, and I wanted so desperately to hold on to the good that I had developed within me.

The plane cleared out, people shuffled on with their lives, but mine seemed to pause, to take a deep breath... They always said that the airplane ride was sacred. It was the last sanctuary, and I wanted to hold onto it so badly. Then, I held my breath and stood up. I walked to the escalator; and, as it carried me down, I caught a gradually unfolding picture of my family, waiting there for me.

I was trying so desperately to hold on, not to give in, not to forget or forsake or disappoint.

I'm afraid I've done all of the above. I'm terrified to face my mission president. He had so much confidence in me. "You are at once humble and powerful," he told me. I always appreciated that. I've never felt like very much of either.

There's nothing predictable or structured about the path now. I can pass it off as normal for a little while longer, but there will come a time where I have to be honest about it.

I didn't mean for this post to be so melancholy. I was just thinking about how much I wanted things to be normal, how much I wanted to be like everyone else, how much I didn't want to let the Lord down.

But I stand by my assertion that the unknown path is an adventure in and of itself and that I have learned to appreciate the perspective I've been given.

Now, I'm going to figure out exactly what kind of foods I should make for a rainy day.

In Bright Fire

Today is pretty much the most beautiful day since springtime. I'm actually not even bummed about going outside and mowing. I would take my shirt off to get a little tanner, but my farmer's tan is bad enough that I think it will just be a lost cause for this year.

But never again.

Granted, it isn't weird being white or anything, but I just don't like the multi-toned skin look, you know? haha.

It'll give me some quiet, too. The sound drowns out even my thoughts--kind of a nice feeling.

And the missionary: things kinda toned down, thank goodness. I mean, he isn't, and he's actually just a cool kid, so I can appreciate the way things are. It's funny how I feel like I swing back and forth from being completely fine being single to wanting someone to be there.

But on a day like today, it's hard to feel anything but excellent.

Getting done with work early helped, too, I guess. Ok, gotta mow.

For the Longest Time (Sherwood)

I think I'm in love with the Nissan Leaf.

F. Just when I thought I wasn't a huge homo. But it's pretty sweet. And I've gotta be honest: I'm a sucker for environmental stuff. My family might be to blame for that. If my mom forgets her reusable bags at the grocery store, she'll only buy what she can carry. The grandkids are in cloth diapers... farm fresh eggs, organic milk from the local dairy, chickens, huge gardens, orchards, so much canning... honestly, I'm kinda surprised we're not all smoking pot in the back of an old VW in our hemp clothes.

Smoking has always seemed kinda gross to me, though... and I don't know where to buy hemp clothes.

But I like all of that stuff. It sounds gay (guess I probably should give up on concerning myself with that), but you've got a connection to your food--you know where it came from, you know what went into it, and you know exactly what you're putting in your body. And organic milk from a glass jar tastes way better than milk in a plastic jug. Just sayin. Call me crazy, but, as a milk connoisseur, I taste the difference. That same dairy also makes a chocolate milk that is even more delicious than the BYU creamery's. I think they make it with angel blood.

Why did I start talking about this? Oh yeah--the Leaf. I'm pretty sure I want one. But I'm poor... and there's a lot of driving that will be happening in my life for a little while. Maybe once I settle down and get a job, I'll get one. And I'll get something else that is a little more practical for a long trip.

That's really all I've got to say tonight.

Oh yeah- I had a dream last night that I was in NYC and climbing into an elevator in this hotel. The elevator door hadn't closed completely, but the elevator started going up. Then, the building started shaking. There was a little space between the bottom of the elevator and the ceiling of the first floor, so I wiggled out just in time for the elevator to go up out of sight. Everyone was ducking. I was pretty sure we were in an earthquake, so I started looking for a doorframe. At least I was smart in my dream. It turned out to be a tornado. That dream scared me.

After that, I was trying to figure out a math problem in my head. It was really, really frustrating... and then suddenly I was awake-ish and couldn't stop thinking about the math problem. So I stopped myself (because this has happened too many times) and tried to concentrate on what the problem was. There was no solution. I got a drink of water and went to bed.

And lastly, I'm not sure I'm over the whole driving anxiety thing. I'll be driving and fine, and then I'll suddenly be having flashbacks to smashing into a semi in the car or flipping and rolling in the SUV--seeing it go light to dark to light as various windows are facing upwards or downwards... or feeling the sudden burst of cold air as the window gets smashed in...

And then I'll snap out of it and realize I've stopped driving. I should probably get that fixed, but how? Or maybe it'll go away. It only happens in heavy traffic... whereas I couldn't really ride in a car without just closing my eyes and breathing deeply every time I saw break lights there for a while.

Anyone up for a road trip?

The End Where I Begin

I would marry the Script... but I don't really think homosexual polyandry will be kosher anytime soon... although the thought does make me laugh a little.

I would at least just marry the lead singer. Don't know his name or what he looks like, but he's got me.

I just want to get on here and write a normal post about my day sometime. Secretly, (but not so secret since I'm telling you) I'm actually really nervous that someone I know might come across this and find out it's me. So writing about a normal post might be a little ways off.

In the meantime, I'll continue my abnormal post...

You know those mornings where your dreams kind of meld into reality, and you're not sure when you woke up? I looked at my clock--6:15. I can get out of bed at 6:40 and still be ready close enough to on time, so I just figured I'd wait for my alarm to go off. It never did. In fact, I never set it, I guess. But I woke up exactly when I needed to.

And then I landed an interview with a really good company... it was a test run for me--see if I'd even be considered, you know? 'Cuz if this one worked out, I could pretty much count on an interview with any other places that I wanted.

And I got another good internship. And my GPA was revised up.

I'm not sure I can make the interview... a long story, I guess. But it leads me to believe that I'll be Ok when the real job hunt begins.

So much to be thankful for, and kind of in disbelief. You expect the world to fall apart, you know? You expect your life to be a damned, hollow shell of the shining, spiritual lighthouse it was.

It isn't.

I'm grateful. To Him? Yeah, I think so. And if it turns out that He isn't there or had nothing to do with it, then I'm grateful for the random, fortuitous sequence of events.

End of All Time (Stars of Track and Field)

My family is gone today--phew. Gotta be honest: I love my parents and everything, but I need some alone time every once in a while. Being home has made me realize that if I ever did live close to home, I'd need to live outside of my parents' houses.

But I'm pretty sure I won't be sticking around here for a little while. It would be a nice place to come back to, but I want to go somewhere new... prove to myself that I can do it.

In other news, I'm hopelessly googly-eyed by a missionary... right? One-way ticket straight to hell, I say. (A) He's not gay; (B) he's a genuinely good person; (C) even if he were gay, where would we go from there? He's a missionary. I wish I could just turn off the attraction sometimes. I just try to keep running through those thoughts whenever that thought crosses my mind. Having been a missionary (and a gay one, at that), I can say that what I really wanted was to do what I was called to do to the best extent that I could. In spite of the raging hormones, I wouldn't have ever wanted to compromise that blessing. What am I trying to say? Even if this was the result of aligning stars and fates and threads, it couldn't happen.

Ok, I feel better. I'm eating a bowl of chickpeas and curry right now... I'm not sure why I love Indian food so much, but I do. I go through my Indian spices faster than the Mexican ones, which I didn't think was possible.

This song is actually pretty excellent. It helped calm me down a little bit, there.

You really don't need to read this post. I don't know if it's my time of the month or what, but I just need to get this stuff off of my chest.

You remember how I used to say I felt about the guy? As a side note, I need to think of a different nickname for him. Anyway, I liked him a lot. He liked me, too. Granted, the relationship (and I use the term loosely) was a little messed up--self-loathing and frustration mixed with attraction and concern created some kind of an emotional whiplash for us, and as much as I like to point out his crap, I was definitely not without blame.

But to make a long story short, something about being with the guy made me feel like everything was ok... it made me painfully aware of the fact that our relationship was not ok in its time and place. I like to be aware of risks and obstacles before jumping into something, but in spite of the impassable mountain of obstacles and potential consequences, I felt like everything was going to be fine... I felt like all I needed was the person sitting next to me. More than that, I felt ok about myself. I don't wander around feeling like an outcast, but there was something reaffirming about being with him.

Was it love?

I don't know. Honestly, the farther I get from that time, the more I become convinced that it was infatuation. The older I get, the more convinced I am that I've never actually been in love.

Whatever it was, I find myself wishing sometimes that I hadn't experienced it. Before that, the whole idea of finding someone seemed entirely impossible, unreasonable. It wasn't something I hoped for or looked for--just something I considered a dream, at best... a star shining from an unreachable corner of space.

But to find someone that makes you come alive, to find someone that makes you feel safe, important... it awakens something that will never go back to sleep. And as much as I try to convince myself that it is something I don't need or want, as much as I try to throw myself into whatever projects I can to make myself forget, the feeling remains. The dream has materialized, has become a reality... I've reached up and plucked the star from the sky and can't find the will to return and abandon it. I may miss the naïveté of it, but there is no way to go back.

I should embrace the uncertainty of it all, I know. Life has this really excellent way of forcing us through awkward doors, of bestowing perspectives we may initially not want... but perspectives we eventually treasure.

Well, that will definitely do for today. Guess I've had a lot to say. Again, you definitely get some mad brownie points for sticking it out this far. I can't even begin to tell you how nice it is outside, and I think I should go enjoy it.

Later.

Run Away With Me (ugh)

I had some meaningful things to get on here and talk about, but I can only remember one at the moment... maybe the other will come to me as I type.

I watched 'Stardust' today. Haha. The only other time I watched it was in Spanish... as good as my Spanish may be (read: may have been at the time), it is still hard to follow the colloquialisms, you know? Anyway, it was a lot more meaningful in English. And it made me feel sappy, which is sad. I want a star to fall out of the sky--what the hell? And, for that matter, I want a developed plot line and the uncertainty of how I get to the end but an assurance that I remember exactly what the end looks like and that I will get there because I've already seen it... just in a different language. I'm not even gonna try to fix that sentence. I'm tired.

Which got me to thinking about another idea I was seriously considering earlier this week. I was staring at my computer screen at work, and then I remembered being in the French countryside... riding my bike to the baker in the morning to pick up baguette... the stone fence surrounding the house... the chateaux along the Charente (I think?)... the narrow, stone roads... the abandoned monastery...

I want to be a baker in France... or Switzerland... The problem is that I don't speak French or German. So maybe Spain? But then how would the mechanics of it all work to get me out there, you know? I mean, there's getting the plane tickets, getting out there and having enough money to either start renting an apartment or live in a youth hostel, getting a job, getting on my feet enough to support myself, getting the paperwork to have the ability to legally work there. I would be an apprentice to a baker--waking up early in the morning, seeing the immediate benefit of my product to its consumers... I really wouldn't have much money at all, but life would be sincere and grounded, quiet and unimpressive but fulfilling. The whole thing would be an adventure.

And spending my life in the countryside of some (Spanish-speaking) European town would inevitably set my life on a course for lifelong joy and happiness, fulfilled dreams...

right...

The funny thing is that I'm captivated by the idea. It is completely unrealistic. Captivating.

Too many daydreams. What about the ranch-style house on the East coast? The white towel and the early morning?

On a happier note, I totally called the market. Lucky? Maybe. I could get tens of millions for that. Maybe I'll shoot for a few good calls and then go apprentice a baker...

Or maybe I'll keep telling myself that for a handful of decades before I die.

Hoping and Leaping--what did I tell you? But I'm not ready to take some of those leaps.

(Untitled)

Just have to say that 'Family Guy' is on tv. Even if the world as I know it is coming to an end, 'Family Guy' can make it all better.

Heartbreak World

It's so hard to post regularly without my own computer...

That's my excuse, and I'm stickin to it.

It's amazing how fast time goes by when you get in a routine. I can't believe that school was out for four months. I can't believe that the holidays really aren't that far away. It seems like we could get so much stuff done in a day when we were little kids. The summer felt like a year--each school year was separated by a huge chasm. And now? Now life seems to kind of blend together.

But it isn't a bad thing. Getting older has meant having the world shrink a bit, being exposed to different people and cultures and countries.

Anyway, I'm not really feeling that trip down nostalgic lane. I do have a funny story, though. You know how you "help" little kids pray by whispering what to say? We were at dinner the other day, and my sister was helping my niece (who is three) pray. "We're grateful for this food..."

Niece: "We're grateful for this food..."

Sister: "Please bless it-"

Niece: "Please bless it THAT IT CAN FLY!"

Hahahahaha. I couldn't stop laughing. She was so excited about flying food. Unfortunately, that prayer wasn't answered. I think it was from seeing Harry Potter.

And what else? I realized the other day that I need to relax about the whole getting out of shape thing. I use the phrase very loosely, as it means that I'm going from skinny/toned to mostly skinny but still kinda toned. Wanting to be in shape is not a problem, but sometimes I catch myself thinking that it's the only way that anyone is ever going to be interested in me. There is more to me than that. Granted, it's important to take care of your body and everything, but I need to get over unrealistic expectations.

I should try to get fat just to get myself over my looks. The problem is that I've made sincere efforts to do so in the past. The best I did was gain 20 lbs of muscle--not too shabby, right? I still wasn't fat... and then it all atrophied because I could not afford to eat that much when I was away at school.

Holy crap. You do not want to hear about that, I'm guessing.

Last thing--I met this girl through one of my friends at school. The three of us kinda talked and stuff... whatever. Anyways, he called me up the other day and was like, "Dude, this girl is way into you. She asked me what she had to do to help you be interested in her?"

How am I supposed to handle that? She was way cool--don't get me wrong. But it makes a super awkward situation because I'm not interested for a lot of reasons I don't want to explain to him... and then I have to try to act like I'm interested or flattered or something. I dunno. Or my the daughter of one of my mom's friends--my mom is like, "She's cute and tall..." And then I met her, and her voice sounded exactly like Violet's (that's her name, right?) in "The Incredibles." I wanted to jam a chopstick in my ear.

AND THEN, my home teachers wanted to set me up with their niece.

Holy hell, people! Give it a rest! I apparently can't date gay people (who I have a LOT better chance of being attracted to), so stepping outside of my gender of interest is probably too much of a stretch.

I just need to be single and reserved until I can take decisive actions without giving someone emotional whiplash. Granted, I think I'm doomed to be confusing and confused, fregado y fregando jaja--I just remembered that; but at least I can arrive at a time and place where the whiplash will be minimal, non-fatal... just the kind where you wake up the next morning with a stiff neck and maybe go to the chiropractor once or twice to get taken care of.

This blog is a horrible mess. You're the best for putting up with me. Don't worry--you're getting a generous amount of brownie points for reading this crap. And I'm not easy with my brownie points, so count yourself lucky.