Believe

I need to slow down.

I'm getting too attached. I guess I can feel it-- the fact that I can't do this. I mean, I can't expect someone to be that for me. I can't expect them to stop their world for me. I can't expect him to stop his world for me. And I have to quit being so willing to stop my world for others. I guess I can't live my life for other people. I just really don't want to do it alone, you know? Anyway, I'm not really in a position to make a commitment to live my life like that. He's not the only one that I will come across in life that will treat me this well. But I guess I can't see that far into the future, and I've been really happy lately and afraid that that feeling is going to go away.

And the weird thing is that my happiness is revolving around someone else, and that doesn't work. It shouldn't be that way. I know I keep telling myself this, but my happiness needs to revolve around me, first. If I'm always looking to someone else to make me happy, its going to be a depressing road.

But he's a good guy. 

That sounds so gay. 

Ok, I need to get up and do something about my life.

Que Vida la Mia

We made out today. Yeah, I guess I probably shouldn't bother writing that any more. It's kind of a given, although we didn't make out yesterday.

And we got close, again. I guess we're teetering on the edge and wanting to fall but too scared to do it. Actually, that's not really the case with me. I really don't want to fall off that edge. We've gotten close-- really close-- but I stop myself. I'm actually glad that there is some part of me that instinctively takes over and makes the choices for me that I need to make not to cross the point of no return.

But I was really happy. I went over to his apartment and we made out for a bit and then stopped before it got too out of control. Then, we went to Costco and wandered around the mall for a bit. It was nice. It was really nice. 

I feel so weird because I don't really feel weird at all. I actually kind of like it because we're both pretty straight-acting. I can be in public with him and not feel like people think we're a couple of fags on a date. Sounds harsh-- hope you're not offended... but hey, it's my blog, so quit whining.

So yeah, spent the better part of the day hanging out with him. I had a lot of fun. Like I said before, I'm not entirely sure what I would classify him as. I mean, we're friends that make out a lot... sometimes when we're partially undressed. I don't know. I'm not worried about what it is to me. It's been good.

I never thought of myself saying that. I never pictured myself in this situation, but it feels ok. I don't know why I'm not bothered out of my mind by the fact that I've been messing around with a guy. I guess I'm not bothered, in a way, because we haven't done anything to get us in trouble with the church. Maybe (and most likely) it would change if we did do something to get in trouble.

I still have been thinking about what I talked about earlier-- the fact that I really have decided that I can't leave the Church. I guess that, no matter what, I haven't been able to find a way to let go of that part of my life. It truly and honestly has blessed and directed me so much in my life. The kind of life I live won't be determined by my sexuality (well, apart from the whole "gay" or "straight" thing), but I have felt a lot of peace coming from the Gospel standards. I can't forget or shake that feeling.

Having said that, I've been really, really happy these past couple of weeks. There's someone like me that is dealing with this same thing, and while we maybe aren't approaching the situation in the best way possible, I think both of us have an understanding of what we want... although we may not fully understand where we are.

The life of a gay mormon. Who would've thought? While I guess the stereotypical gay life seems to be the perfect antithesis of the stereotypical LDS life, we gay mormons are left with the task of reconciling the two... or of leaving one and embracing the other. The struggle lies in the fact that I know I would be leaving a legitimately good life if I were to leave the church. And that struggle is intensified by the fact that I can't be sure that the other option would actually result in a bad life.

I'll keep pushing down the road. A solution will appear-- I'll figure it out sooner or later... or die, I guess. Hopefully not...

A Day Late

I can't have my cake and eat it to...

I'm not even sure what the heck that is supposed to mean.

It's the dilemma. I know it is... still. I can't make up my mind. And I guess that means that I have made up my mind.

We've made out a lot. We've come really close to doing other stuff that we both would have regretted. My roommates were gone last night, and we ended up almost naked with him on his knees, then, we were on my bed, and his dick was an inch away from my mouth. We didn't do anything, but we were so close.

But we had a chance to talk about it. We both know that this isn't going to make us happy. We made out, again, today, but it didn't go as far. I guess I can't expect myself to throw it all away at once. He's leaving in a couple months, too; so there is an expiration date whether I want it or not. But I've been thinking. I guess it is nice. I mean, it feels really, really good. I really wanted him to blow me, but I stopped him. Why?

I guess I knew that wasn't what I wanted. I would have regretted it on so many levels. 

I don't regret what we did. Well, now I do-- at least a little. I regret it because I'm starting to think of him more as a friend than anything else. I can't say that it has turned completely platonic because I just made out with him a couple hours ago. But I don't want it to go further because we would never talk to each other again, and I like him.

And I'm back. I don't have the balls to leave the Church, or maybe it's the opposite. It would be so much easier to live a double life, but I'm not here to impress people or fulfill expectations. I'm here to find the path in life that is going to make me happiest. Living a double life is not an option. And even when he's on his knees right in front of me, I recognize that that isn't what is going to make me happy. It'll last for a second, and I'll be back to that point in my life where I hated myself for only being capable of making choices based on passions and appetites. 

This has been such a weird situation, and yet it has been exactly what I wanted. I've realized that I don't think I can be happy that way. I thought I was, at first. I mean, I was and am. But I recognize that this isn't something that I could do for the rest of my life and be ok with it. And I know that I wouldn't be happy if we ended up doing more than that. 

So that's it. I can't leave the Gospel path. I can't bring myself to do it. Even with a guy that is everything that I could want, I can't bring myself to leave. I love the Church. The peace, happiness, confidence that I feel in it is too much to leave behind. I know that life isn't going to be easy and that this is something that I'm going to have to deal with for a long time, but it is going to be impossible to live my life without some kind of internal conflict. If I live a gay life, I'll be stuck with the constant regret of not having lived my life in the way that I knew would be best. If I live a straight life, I'll have to deal with the temptations that I'm dealing with right now. But I'll feel fulfilled. I'll wake up in the morning and be happy to see myself in the mirror. I want a wife and kids to share my life with. I want a family that won't leave me, and I want someone to live for.

For that first year or so that I was a member, life really was bliss. For real. I mean, I felt so happy and so complete and hopeful. I knew that I was doing exactly what I needed. I knew that the Lord was pleased with me and that He was ready and willing to bless me with everything that I needed in my life to be happy. Then, I started slipping away. It was gradual. I guess it never is abrupt. Before I realized it, I was gone-- at a point in life where I was unhappy, again. I guess I knew I lacked something. I wanted something that I couldn't quite put my finger on. I needed masculine relationships.

That sounds so freaking gay.

But it's true-- There weren't any in my life. I had no one to teach me how to play sports or work out with or whatever it was. I guess that it turned sexual since I knew that was one way to satisfy that craving. The thing is that it didn't satisfy that craving-- only partly. It was just an poor substitute. And that is why I will never feel happy and fulfilled living a gay lifestyle-- it would just be a poor substitute for what I really need in life. 

I like this guy a lot-- as a friend. I like to make out with him and would like to do more, but when if it came down to choosing between the two, I would rather just spend time with him. 

Gay-- it sounds so gay.

I'm glad for this blog. I'm glad to be able to release some steam. I don't know where the heck my life is headed, but I know it'll be ok. 

Bendita Tu Luz

We made out again.

Then he went out of town for the weekend, but we still text back and forth. 

And I'm feeling the gyration thing again. I mean, it has been really nice, and I've felt really happy, but I don't think that that is the kind of life I want to live.

Where the hell am I supposed to go from here? I can't be happy living a gay life, and I can't be happy living a straight life, and I most definitely can't be happy living a celibate life. I don't know what to do. I guess I could try counseling?

Ugh.

I'm still not at that point. I like the guy a lot-- I really do. I don't know what to do. And at the same time, I don't want to pull him away from his family, from the church-- things that are important to him in his life. I don't know what to do. I especially don't know what to do because I don't know if that would even make me happy, and I'm nearly positive it wouldn't make him happy. I don't know what to do.

At times like this (when I'm telling myself over and over that I don't know what to do), I wonder why I joined the church. Yes, I've explained it before, but wouldn't it be so much easier if I had never sought it out and tried so hard to live it faithfully? It has become a part of my life, and I can't deny it. I can't just pretend that it never happened because it has and is, and it has blessed me so much in my life. I spoke in church today, and I was reminded of that... again.

A gyration-- A freaking gyration. I can't make up my mind.

What would make a gay life work? I don't know. A guarantee that they would never leave me, for one. 

A straight life? An attraction to girls.

I started for a bit, but I think that maybe I was just trying to kid myself... Maybe I was just trying so hard to change myself that it was working a little, but in the kind of way that makes you end up messing around in your married life. I don't know. I have a friend that's gay, and his boyfriend tried the same thing-- ended up with a son, a screwed up marriage, a divorce, and is living a gay life. The thing is that he hurt a lot of people along the way. I mean, these things can work out for good, but I wouldn't want to put my wife through that. 

But would I put her through that? Would I stay faithful to her? Would I even have the desire to live a gay life by that point?

The thing is that I just don't know. I don't know and am terrified to take the plunge in either direction because I don't know where it'll take me. But that's been my entire life-- leaping and hoping that I land on solid ground. I haven't ever been afraid to make a decision and stick to my guns, but this one has got me hung up.

I've been really happy this past week, and I wasn't expecting that. I wasn't expecting to make out with a guy, either. I don't know what I was expecting. But I'm glad I met him. I guess I would rather figure out this now instead of later. He's a really good guy, but this isn't the life that he wants, and I can't help but understand. I can't feel hurt or anything-- I know what he means. And part of me wants him not to want it, but that's the selfish part of me that is just as unsure that a gay lifestyle would be happy.

So where do I go from here? Do I just wander around in this figurative desert? I just continue to pray that my life will somehow turn out ok, I guess.

But this isn't even what defines my life. It has taken precedence over every other part of my life-- my school, my friends, my family. In the end, gay or straight, I guess I've been neglecting that stuff too much. It's hard not to focus on it because I want really badly not to feel like I'm alone. It'll be ok, I know.

My life has been so dang good. There's this little problem of my extremely confusing sexuality, but I have so much to be thankful for... except that test I didn't do so well on this past weekend, but life goes on. 

Look-- I'm back where I was a month or so ago. I need to stop focusing on this. I need to stop letting it control my life. There is more to me. This isn't the defining point of my life and shouldn't be the top of my priorities. 

Ok. I feel better.

Say Anything (Else)

We kissed.

Scratch that-- we made out... for 2 hours.

I was so out of practice. I hadn't kissed a girl since my senior year of high school, so I guess that's a good three years... yeah...

It was amazing. It was way better than kissing girls. 

He texted me during class. I was bored out of my mind, it was a test review, and I have an A in that class, so I just left early. He came to pick me up. He kept putting his hand on my leg. It made me jump because I'm ridiculously ticklish and was basically tortured for it growing up, but I calmed down a little. Then, he held my hand, and we just drove like that.

I sound like a freakin girl. 

It was really nice. Then, we went back to his apartment and kind of picked up where we left off. I wanted to kiss him last time, so I did this time. It was sloppy-- my fault-- I was out of practice, but we kept going and going, and I started getting back into it again. 

I like him a lot. This is weird and girly/gay and everything, so forgive me if it continues to get worse, but I really do like him. I mean, I feel really good. I thought that maybe I'd feel guilty after a bit, but I don't. I don't feel bad for what I did... ??? 

In my mind, I had created this picture of complete devastation for having done something like that, but that wasn't what happened. It felt good kissing him. I felt amazing. I still feel happy. 

Is this it? Is this the end of my gyrations? Have I settled for the path that I felt I ultimately would not be able to avoid? 

Maybe that wasn't the point. I've stopped being such an emotional masochist. I've come to the realization that I can and deserve to be happy, that as much as I don't understand what a person sees in me-- though I don't see it, it doesn't mean there's nothing there. I'm not worthless, you know? Sounds harsh, but I guess I spent so long picking out everything that's wrong with me that I forgot what there was that was right about me.

I feel comfortable with myself... not comfortable "in spite of" anything, just comfortable. I'm ok with me. 

He's leaving in May. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

Awake

I'm sorry my blog has gotten so homo. 

Can I just tell you what I want?

As of right now, I think I want to be gay... but my sexuality isn't necessarily permanent, as I've apparently realized in this blog. I think it is because what I really want is independent of gender. If this guy is it (and the fact that I could actually see it has pushed me this way), then this is the life I'm going to live because it is the life that will allow me to look at myself in the mirror and be happy with who I am and what I'm doing.

Don't worry-- I haven't made the whole thing between the two of us a lot more serious or pushed it further than what it should be. I just believe in being frank.

What I want:

1. Someone that won't leave me. I'm loyal, and I want the same.

2. Someone that can look me in the eye, tell me it will be ok, and have me believe them.

3. Someone that makes me feel good for who I am.

Yes, I'd like them to be attractive. I mean, I'm not an ugly guy. I like to think of myself as a strong six :)-- I won't knock your socks off, but I can hold my own. I also take care of my body. The other stuff is nice, but those three things are crucial. I realize that those things aren't gender-specific. I guess that, in a way, I look for more "masculine" affirmation which is gender-specific, but I don't know if that's going to make or break the deal.

I have no idea what inspired me to divulge that... but hey, between those two lines from that death cab for cutie song and these three things, you now have all of the information that you need to completely win me over.

Hands Down

He told me he liked me.

Is that what this blog is going to revolve around? But I'm seriously head-over-heels... I mean, guys, girls I can always keep it under control, you know? Apparently not with him.

So here you go: another gyration. I somehow went from feeling no attraction to guys or a desire to live that life, and suddenly, this guy shows up in my life, and that's all out the window. The thing is, this is truly and honestly the happiest I have felt in a long time. I think I have smiled more this past week than I have this past year... not like I was unhappy to begin with, but seriously, everytime I think about him, I start smiling. I've become one of those creepy people that walks around with a goofy smile on their face. I was trying to take this really important test a few days ago, and I my mind kept wandering back to him. I almost started laughing in the testing center. Of the three hours I spent in there, I spent at least a third of the time daydreaming. What is wrong with me?

I seriously am never like this. And I'm confused. I don't really understand what he sees in me, but I'm definitely not going to argue because I feel amazing. All I can think about is the next time I get to see him. 

So weird. Is it normal? I mean, I actually feel kind of crazy typing this, but I have to get it off my chest. 

Oh well. All I know is I've been walking around this whole week with butterflies in my stomach. Maybe I've just gotten used to ignoring my feelings since showing emotions makes me uncomfortable. I guess it leaves me really vulnerable to do something like that, and I'm nervous that I'll get hurt if I do it. But for some reason, I can't control them this time... 

This is the best I've felt in a long time.

Classifieds

So I just read that posting and realized I repeated myself so much... but just remember-- it reflects my confusion and the fact that my thoughts are currently a horrible mess.

I Want to Save You

Scratch that.

I hate showing weakness. Guess that this post was taking a different turn than I wanted, so it's time to delete it and start over.

I had the best day in a really long time yesterday.

I had been e-mailing this guy for a while that is here in Provo and dealing with the same thing. We were talking Sunday night, and he asked what I was doing the next day. I only mentioned my really early class and my really late class because I was kind of hoping he wanted to hang out. So yeah, we decided to go grab lunch. 

I was way nervous-- this is only the third time I've met up with a guy, and so I'm still not sure how to handle it, you know? And plus, I'm convinced that someone is going to try to kill me, but that's mostly just twisted and unlikely. But hey, plan on the worst-case scenario and you won't be disappointed 'cuz it's only "up" from there. 

Anyway, I went to pick him up. He was way cool. I mean, he wasn't afraid to give me crap. He is the only person besides my family that does that. It made me feel comfortable, it was hilarious, and I was really surprised because he's the only person that has ever done that-- seems like everyone else puts up pretenses or are too "delicate" to be able to take any crap from people... but I guess that's how me and my family show eachother we care. Weird, I know. But I liked it a lot. He could carry on a conversation. He was good-looking. He's out of my league-- can do way better than me. But I try not to think about that because that shouldn't be my intention. 

We went back to his apartment and hung out. We were talking, and he got closer and hugged me and just held me there.

It sounds way gay, I know, but that was the best I've felt in a long time. It made me nervous, though, just because I've never been in a position like that before. I pushed away a little, but his arms were still around me. But I could talk to him face to face. I wanted to kiss him, but he's out of my league. I guess I don't really understand why someone would be attracted to me.

Either way, I skipped all of my classes and spent the better part of the day with him.

It was amazing. It really was. Honestly, I like the guy a lot. And part of me realizes that I shouldn't. And another part of me realizes that it is ok to like him a lot, but it is not ok to take it too far... and then another part realizes that its getting close to the edge... and another part of me realizes that he is out of my league and wouldn't let it get taken too far... But all parts are in agreement on the fact that that was one of the best days I've had in a long, long time. 

I felt good-- about myself, life, things in general. I don't know... I wasn't worried about anything.

Well, this post has been sufficiently hokey and really gay, and I am, once again, glad to keep this isolated and hidden in the depths of cyberspace because I really don't want people to read this. It's just a nice feeling to verbalize it and send it on it's way... like those paper lanterns? uhhhh... 

I like this guy a lot, though. Not sure what that means or where it's going or why I have to wonder and analyze and make lists of why he couldn't like me or why it wouldn't work out or why it shouldn't work out or if it's what I want or what I really want in life to begin with.

I shouldn't worry about it. I'll just let it be what it is, become what it does, and enjoy it. 

I'm afraid, though, that this puts me back on the "gay" track... or at least straddling the two roads. It was unexpected but amazing. I don't know. I can't believe I'm writing this crap. Please, don't judge me for it... haha

Rayando el Sol

Wow. 

I feel good. I shouldn't, I think. 

What can I say? I can't tell what I'm destined for in life, though I guess destiny doesn't really play a part. 

I felt normal, again... like for once, I wasn't worried about myself, my future, exposing some part of my life that I struggle so hard to keep hidden. It was a relief. 

Is it unhealthy? Am I taking this in the wrong direction or turning it into something that shouldn't be? 

This is so cliche. And deep down, I know that I'm not worth it. It's not a weird lack of self-confidence or something-- for real. I know it doesn't sound convincing or anything, but it doesn't bother me. It's just what it is... 

It's just what it is.

I don't know what I deserve in life. 

Drop Out- The So Unknown

Well, Tuesday turned out to be a surprisingly tough day after making that post. 

Another gyration. 

It makes me unhappy to live my life inconsistently. I want to stick to my guns-- whatever they are. I want to have the balls to make a choice and stick with it without worrying about the consequences or what I'm missing out on. More specifically, I want to choose to live my life the way that I truly and honestly think will make me happiest-- having a wife and kids. I don't want it because I'm trying to fit into a norm or anything. I know there are lots of guys out there that try to live their life like that and end up hurting their wife and still living a gay life, but I think it may be because they decide to marry out of obligation or duty. I really don't feel that way. I don't feel like my family would be particularly disappointed with me if I came out and decided to act on my attractions, but I just can't imagine myself being happy with it. There's no obligation or sense of duty but a recognition that living my life according to my appetites and desires is not going to fill me with any sense of accomplishment. And in case you're wondering, I tried it before, and all it did was make me hate myself. It made me feel worthless. 

I know these attractions aren't going away any time soon, but who cares? If I'm in a relationship that gets really serious, I know I owe it to the girl to explain my situation so she knows what she's getting into and can decide if she wants to stick around or leave. 

It seems like I used to make choices in life according to what I knew would make me happy regardless of the consequences or potential obstacles. I fought my way into the church, gave up the chance to go study at various conservatories to come here to the Y, went on a mission-- I was nervous about it all because it meant leaving what I knew and diving into the darkness, it meant facing obstacles that I really didn't want to, but I haven't regretted a single one of those choices. 

And I don't really wonder anymore what might have been if I hadn't chosen those paths because I recognize now that this is the best place I could be in life. 

Well, somehow I managed to go from "gay mormon" to "gay? mormon" to mormon-- gay or straight, it really isn't a central and defining factor of the person I am. 

I'm glad to be able to write this out. I think verbalizing my thoughts has helped me recognize what I actually want and that I was just too afraid to admit it. I don't know if that means this blog has finally served its purpose and can float off into the dark night of cyberspace or if I'll be blogging tomorrow night, but the important thing is that right now, I feel content. 

Life is good. 

Donde Jugaran los ninos?

It's March-- what the heck? 

I don't even feel like february existed. And I'm basically finished worrying about tests until next week! Well, I thought it was exciting.

So I walked away from my tests this past week with an A, A-, B+ and C+?! I mean, come one! A C+? What am I supposed to do with that? 

Hopefully the teacher curves it because I'm going to have some serious issues with my future if that doesn't turn around. I guess life goes on either way. I'm not sure what I would want to do in life if I had to make a change of college majors? I guess major in Spanish or something. 

Life has been good. I feel like I have not been stressed out here of late. My tests are practically finished, the weather is nice. I haven't been neglecting my friends. That stuff all helps keep me positive. I've actually talked to a couple of guys that are in my situation but married and happy. I mean, their temptations didn't go away, but they recognized that that was what was going to make them happiest in their lives. I guess I had never really thought of it like that. I guess I assumed that I'd only be able to get married if I could get rid of those attractions first. 

And I guess the great question is: Who cares? If I really am gay and going to live a gay lifestyle (which I'm pretty sure I don't want to do), I wouldn't do anything about it until after I graduate from here. And since that is a ways off, it shouldn't be making a difference to me. 

I like my classes a lot, and I'm happy that the weather doesn't suck. I think that has a lot more to do with my mood than I realize.