And we got close, again. I guess we're teetering on the edge and wanting to fall but too scared to do it. Actually, that's not really the case with me. I really don't want to fall off that edge. We've gotten close-- really close-- but I stop myself. I'm actually glad that there is some part of me that instinctively takes over and makes the choices for me that I need to make not to cross the point of no return.
But I was really happy. I went over to his apartment and we made out for a bit and then stopped before it got too out of control. Then, we went to Costco and wandered around the mall for a bit. It was nice. It was really nice.
I feel so weird because I don't really feel weird at all. I actually kind of like it because we're both pretty straight-acting. I can be in public with him and not feel like people think we're a couple of fags on a date. Sounds harsh-- hope you're not offended... but hey, it's my blog, so quit whining.
So yeah, spent the better part of the day hanging out with him. I had a lot of fun. Like I said before, I'm not entirely sure what I would classify him as. I mean, we're friends that make out a lot... sometimes when we're partially undressed. I don't know. I'm not worried about what it is to me. It's been good.
I never thought of myself saying that. I never pictured myself in this situation, but it feels ok. I don't know why I'm not bothered out of my mind by the fact that I've been messing around with a guy. I guess I'm not bothered, in a way, because we haven't done anything to get us in trouble with the church. Maybe (and most likely) it would change if we did do something to get in trouble.
I still have been thinking about what I talked about earlier-- the fact that I really have decided that I can't leave the Church. I guess that, no matter what, I haven't been able to find a way to let go of that part of my life. It truly and honestly has blessed and directed me so much in my life. The kind of life I live won't be determined by my sexuality (well, apart from the whole "gay" or "straight" thing), but I have felt a lot of peace coming from the Gospel standards. I can't forget or shake that feeling.
Having said that, I've been really, really happy these past couple of weeks. There's someone like me that is dealing with this same thing, and while we maybe aren't approaching the situation in the best way possible, I think both of us have an understanding of what we want... although we may not fully understand where we are.
The life of a gay mormon. Who would've thought? While I guess the stereotypical gay life seems to be the perfect antithesis of the stereotypical LDS life, we gay mormons are left with the task of reconciling the two... or of leaving one and embracing the other. The struggle lies in the fact that I know I would be leaving a legitimately good life if I were to leave the church. And that struggle is intensified by the fact that I can't be sure that the other option would actually result in a bad life.
I'll keep pushing down the road. A solution will appear-- I'll figure it out sooner or later... or die, I guess. Hopefully not...
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