I'm not even sure what the heck that is supposed to mean.
It's the dilemma. I know it is... still. I can't make up my mind. And I guess that means that I have made up my mind.
We've made out a lot. We've come really close to doing other stuff that we both would have regretted. My roommates were gone last night, and we ended up almost naked with him on his knees, then, we were on my bed, and his dick was an inch away from my mouth. We didn't do anything, but we were so close.
But we had a chance to talk about it. We both know that this isn't going to make us happy. We made out, again, today, but it didn't go as far. I guess I can't expect myself to throw it all away at once. He's leaving in a couple months, too; so there is an expiration date whether I want it or not. But I've been thinking. I guess it is nice. I mean, it feels really, really good. I really wanted him to blow me, but I stopped him. Why?
I guess I knew that wasn't what I wanted. I would have regretted it on so many levels.
I don't regret what we did. Well, now I do-- at least a little. I regret it because I'm starting to think of him more as a friend than anything else. I can't say that it has turned completely platonic because I just made out with him a couple hours ago. But I don't want it to go further because we would never talk to each other again, and I like him.
And I'm back. I don't have the balls to leave the Church, or maybe it's the opposite. It would be so much easier to live a double life, but I'm not here to impress people or fulfill expectations. I'm here to find the path in life that is going to make me happiest. Living a double life is not an option. And even when he's on his knees right in front of me, I recognize that that isn't what is going to make me happy. It'll last for a second, and I'll be back to that point in my life where I hated myself for only being capable of making choices based on passions and appetites.
This has been such a weird situation, and yet it has been exactly what I wanted. I've realized that I don't think I can be happy that way. I thought I was, at first. I mean, I was and am. But I recognize that this isn't something that I could do for the rest of my life and be ok with it. And I know that I wouldn't be happy if we ended up doing more than that.
So that's it. I can't leave the Gospel path. I can't bring myself to do it. Even with a guy that is everything that I could want, I can't bring myself to leave. I love the Church. The peace, happiness, confidence that I feel in it is too much to leave behind. I know that life isn't going to be easy and that this is something that I'm going to have to deal with for a long time, but it is going to be impossible to live my life without some kind of internal conflict. If I live a gay life, I'll be stuck with the constant regret of not having lived my life in the way that I knew would be best. If I live a straight life, I'll have to deal with the temptations that I'm dealing with right now. But I'll feel fulfilled. I'll wake up in the morning and be happy to see myself in the mirror. I want a wife and kids to share my life with. I want a family that won't leave me, and I want someone to live for.
For that first year or so that I was a member, life really was bliss. For real. I mean, I felt so happy and so complete and hopeful. I knew that I was doing exactly what I needed. I knew that the Lord was pleased with me and that He was ready and willing to bless me with everything that I needed in my life to be happy. Then, I started slipping away. It was gradual. I guess it never is abrupt. Before I realized it, I was gone-- at a point in life where I was unhappy, again. I guess I knew I lacked something. I wanted something that I couldn't quite put my finger on. I needed masculine relationships.
That sounds so freaking gay.
But it's true-- There weren't any in my life. I had no one to teach me how to play sports or work out with or whatever it was. I guess that it turned sexual since I knew that was one way to satisfy that craving. The thing is that it didn't satisfy that craving-- only partly. It was just an poor substitute. And that is why I will never feel happy and fulfilled living a gay lifestyle-- it would just be a poor substitute for what I really need in life.
I like this guy a lot-- as a friend. I like to make out with him and would like to do more, but when if it came down to choosing between the two, I would rather just spend time with him.
Gay-- it sounds so gay.
I'm glad for this blog. I'm glad to be able to release some steam. I don't know where the heck my life is headed, but I know it'll be ok.
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