Then he went out of town for the weekend, but we still text back and forth.
And I'm feeling the gyration thing again. I mean, it has been really nice, and I've felt really happy, but I don't think that that is the kind of life I want to live.
Where the hell am I supposed to go from here? I can't be happy living a gay life, and I can't be happy living a straight life, and I most definitely can't be happy living a celibate life. I don't know what to do. I guess I could try counseling?
Ugh.
I'm still not at that point. I like the guy a lot-- I really do. I don't know what to do. And at the same time, I don't want to pull him away from his family, from the church-- things that are important to him in his life. I don't know what to do. I especially don't know what to do because I don't know if that would even make me happy, and I'm nearly positive it wouldn't make him happy. I don't know what to do.
At times like this (when I'm telling myself over and over that I don't know what to do), I wonder why I joined the church. Yes, I've explained it before, but wouldn't it be so much easier if I had never sought it out and tried so hard to live it faithfully? It has become a part of my life, and I can't deny it. I can't just pretend that it never happened because it has and is, and it has blessed me so much in my life. I spoke in church today, and I was reminded of that... again.
A gyration-- A freaking gyration. I can't make up my mind.
What would make a gay life work? I don't know. A guarantee that they would never leave me, for one.
A straight life? An attraction to girls.
I started for a bit, but I think that maybe I was just trying to kid myself... Maybe I was just trying so hard to change myself that it was working a little, but in the kind of way that makes you end up messing around in your married life. I don't know. I have a friend that's gay, and his boyfriend tried the same thing-- ended up with a son, a screwed up marriage, a divorce, and is living a gay life. The thing is that he hurt a lot of people along the way. I mean, these things can work out for good, but I wouldn't want to put my wife through that.
But would I put her through that? Would I stay faithful to her? Would I even have the desire to live a gay life by that point?
The thing is that I just don't know. I don't know and am terrified to take the plunge in either direction because I don't know where it'll take me. But that's been my entire life-- leaping and hoping that I land on solid ground. I haven't ever been afraid to make a decision and stick to my guns, but this one has got me hung up.
I've been really happy this past week, and I wasn't expecting that. I wasn't expecting to make out with a guy, either. I don't know what I was expecting. But I'm glad I met him. I guess I would rather figure out this now instead of later. He's a really good guy, but this isn't the life that he wants, and I can't help but understand. I can't feel hurt or anything-- I know what he means. And part of me wants him not to want it, but that's the selfish part of me that is just as unsure that a gay lifestyle would be happy.
So where do I go from here? Do I just wander around in this figurative desert? I just continue to pray that my life will somehow turn out ok, I guess.
But this isn't even what defines my life. It has taken precedence over every other part of my life-- my school, my friends, my family. In the end, gay or straight, I guess I've been neglecting that stuff too much. It's hard not to focus on it because I want really badly not to feel like I'm alone. It'll be ok, I know.
My life has been so dang good. There's this little problem of my extremely confusing sexuality, but I have so much to be thankful for... except that test I didn't do so well on this past weekend, but life goes on.
Look-- I'm back where I was a month or so ago. I need to stop focusing on this. I need to stop letting it control my life. There is more to me. This isn't the defining point of my life and shouldn't be the top of my priorities.
Ok. I feel better.
No comments:
Post a Comment