I hate showing weakness. Guess that this post was taking a different turn than I wanted, so it's time to delete it and start over.
I had the best day in a really long time yesterday.
I had been e-mailing this guy for a while that is here in Provo and dealing with the same thing. We were talking Sunday night, and he asked what I was doing the next day. I only mentioned my really early class and my really late class because I was kind of hoping he wanted to hang out. So yeah, we decided to go grab lunch.
I was way nervous-- this is only the third time I've met up with a guy, and so I'm still not sure how to handle it, you know? And plus, I'm convinced that someone is going to try to kill me, but that's mostly just twisted and unlikely. But hey, plan on the worst-case scenario and you won't be disappointed 'cuz it's only "up" from there.
Anyway, I went to pick him up. He was way cool. I mean, he wasn't afraid to give me crap. He is the only person besides my family that does that. It made me feel comfortable, it was hilarious, and I was really surprised because he's the only person that has ever done that-- seems like everyone else puts up pretenses or are too "delicate" to be able to take any crap from people... but I guess that's how me and my family show eachother we care. Weird, I know. But I liked it a lot. He could carry on a conversation. He was good-looking. He's out of my league-- can do way better than me. But I try not to think about that because that shouldn't be my intention.
We went back to his apartment and hung out. We were talking, and he got closer and hugged me and just held me there.
It sounds way gay, I know, but that was the best I've felt in a long time. It made me nervous, though, just because I've never been in a position like that before. I pushed away a little, but his arms were still around me. But I could talk to him face to face. I wanted to kiss him, but he's out of my league. I guess I don't really understand why someone would be attracted to me.
Either way, I skipped all of my classes and spent the better part of the day with him.
It was amazing. It really was. Honestly, I like the guy a lot. And part of me realizes that I shouldn't. And another part of me realizes that it is ok to like him a lot, but it is not ok to take it too far... and then another part realizes that its getting close to the edge... and another part of me realizes that he is out of my league and wouldn't let it get taken too far... But all parts are in agreement on the fact that that was one of the best days I've had in a long, long time.
I felt good-- about myself, life, things in general. I don't know... I wasn't worried about anything.
Well, this post has been sufficiently hokey and really gay, and I am, once again, glad to keep this isolated and hidden in the depths of cyberspace because I really don't want people to read this. It's just a nice feeling to verbalize it and send it on it's way... like those paper lanterns? uhhhh...
I like this guy a lot, though. Not sure what that means or where it's going or why I have to wonder and analyze and make lists of why he couldn't like me or why it wouldn't work out or why it shouldn't work out or if it's what I want or what I really want in life to begin with.
I shouldn't worry about it. I'll just let it be what it is, become what it does, and enjoy it.
I'm afraid, though, that this puts me back on the "gay" track... or at least straddling the two roads. It was unexpected but amazing. I don't know. I can't believe I'm writing this crap. Please, don't judge me for it... haha
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