Say Anything (Else)

We kissed.

Scratch that-- we made out... for 2 hours.

I was so out of practice. I hadn't kissed a girl since my senior year of high school, so I guess that's a good three years... yeah...

It was amazing. It was way better than kissing girls. 

He texted me during class. I was bored out of my mind, it was a test review, and I have an A in that class, so I just left early. He came to pick me up. He kept putting his hand on my leg. It made me jump because I'm ridiculously ticklish and was basically tortured for it growing up, but I calmed down a little. Then, he held my hand, and we just drove like that.

I sound like a freakin girl. 

It was really nice. Then, we went back to his apartment and kind of picked up where we left off. I wanted to kiss him last time, so I did this time. It was sloppy-- my fault-- I was out of practice, but we kept going and going, and I started getting back into it again. 

I like him a lot. This is weird and girly/gay and everything, so forgive me if it continues to get worse, but I really do like him. I mean, I feel really good. I thought that maybe I'd feel guilty after a bit, but I don't. I don't feel bad for what I did... ??? 

In my mind, I had created this picture of complete devastation for having done something like that, but that wasn't what happened. It felt good kissing him. I felt amazing. I still feel happy. 

Is this it? Is this the end of my gyrations? Have I settled for the path that I felt I ultimately would not be able to avoid? 

Maybe that wasn't the point. I've stopped being such an emotional masochist. I've come to the realization that I can and deserve to be happy, that as much as I don't understand what a person sees in me-- though I don't see it, it doesn't mean there's nothing there. I'm not worthless, you know? Sounds harsh, but I guess I spent so long picking out everything that's wrong with me that I forgot what there was that was right about me.

I feel comfortable with myself... not comfortable "in spite of" anything, just comfortable. I'm ok with me. 

He's leaving in May. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.