Another gyration.
It makes me unhappy to live my life inconsistently. I want to stick to my guns-- whatever they are. I want to have the balls to make a choice and stick with it without worrying about the consequences or what I'm missing out on. More specifically, I want to choose to live my life the way that I truly and honestly think will make me happiest-- having a wife and kids. I don't want it because I'm trying to fit into a norm or anything. I know there are lots of guys out there that try to live their life like that and end up hurting their wife and still living a gay life, but I think it may be because they decide to marry out of obligation or duty. I really don't feel that way. I don't feel like my family would be particularly disappointed with me if I came out and decided to act on my attractions, but I just can't imagine myself being happy with it. There's no obligation or sense of duty but a recognition that living my life according to my appetites and desires is not going to fill me with any sense of accomplishment. And in case you're wondering, I tried it before, and all it did was make me hate myself. It made me feel worthless.
I know these attractions aren't going away any time soon, but who cares? If I'm in a relationship that gets really serious, I know I owe it to the girl to explain my situation so she knows what she's getting into and can decide if she wants to stick around or leave.
It seems like I used to make choices in life according to what I knew would make me happy regardless of the consequences or potential obstacles. I fought my way into the church, gave up the chance to go study at various conservatories to come here to the Y, went on a mission-- I was nervous about it all because it meant leaving what I knew and diving into the darkness, it meant facing obstacles that I really didn't want to, but I haven't regretted a single one of those choices.
And I don't really wonder anymore what might have been if I hadn't chosen those paths because I recognize now that this is the best place I could be in life.
Well, somehow I managed to go from "gay mormon" to "gay? mormon" to mormon-- gay or straight, it really isn't a central and defining factor of the person I am.
I'm glad to be able to write this out. I think verbalizing my thoughts has helped me recognize what I actually want and that I was just too afraid to admit it. I don't know if that means this blog has finally served its purpose and can float off into the dark night of cyberspace or if I'll be blogging tomorrow night, but the important thing is that right now, I feel content.
Life is good.
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