Live Like We're Dying

I went to "Up in the Air" tonight with my family. Why the hell did I trust the critics?

"Sherlock Holmes" got kinda crappy reviews, but I thought it was freaking sweet. So yeah, I went to go watch the movie tonight, and it was so... slow... holy... crap... Don't get me wrong--the acting was great. It just was not my cup of tea.

And then, in the end, it gets way depressing. I mean, the whole movie was about human connection.

*Time out* If you are wanting to see this movie, you might want to wait to read this until after you've seen it...

So yeah, this guy (ol' George) is connection-averse, if you will, and then he starts connecting (haha physically and emotionally) with this lady that kinda has the same lifestyle. So this is like a life-changing thing for him. He has this epiphany or something and decides to drop what he's doing and go visit her... I don't know. Anyway, he finds her address and knocks on the door. She comes to the door and doesn't look too excited. Then, you see some kids run up the stairs, and you hear a guy's voice in the background asking who is at the door...

The movie kind of ends shortly after that. Granted, there are other ways that he reaches out and connects, but it wasn't uplifting or anything.

So the movie ends, and I'm like, "Holy crap. I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone!"

Dear guy in daydream,

I hope you're real. I'm pretty sure I'm not connection-averse. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm the opposite. So please exist... and don't be married... I'd kind of like to find you and not spend the rest of my life flying on airplanes. And maybe I don't look like George Clooney, but he's kind of old. Either way, I'll do everything I can to make you happy if you promise to exist.

Sincerely,

Me

Down... The Jay Sean one since I've already used the Something Corporate one

Gotta complain.

So I sent my resume to a couple of firms here at home... yeah, call me lame, but I'd kind of like to intern here. Ever since I got home from my mission, I haven't really had an extended period of time to spend with my family, and going off to random city, USA, wouldn't help me feel more connected.

So yeah, resume sent off.

My first morning of the break, I get a call from an analyst at the one firm. He spends 45 minutes talking to me about my interests, the company, the position. The internship would require that I spend a semester back here. No problem. It pays really well, it gives me a stipend that I can pocket, a Christmas bonus... I mean, this would pay for all four years of school and more. "I'll see if we can even just skip HR," he says. Excellent. We schedule a meeting with the portfolio managers and a couple analysts that I'd be working with. I go in for the meeting and feel like everything went really well. I felt comfortable, knowledgeable, asked good questions, got good answers, gave good answers...

Then, I get an e-mail from one of the analysts saying that the internship program is in a weird position right now, and that they may not have a decision for a month or two...

Time out. In a month or two, I have to have a plan, or the summer will be a waste, and I will have a crappy chance at a career without a solid internship. OK.

Later, I get an e-mail from the portfolio manager saying that he felt like I would be a good fit for the position, but that the process hasn't really gone according to protocol...

I don't understand if I'm being brushed off? And why? I mean, seriously, the prospect has potentially derailed instantly and right before my eyes. I shouldn't jump to conclusions, but I no longer have a good feeling about the position. More than likely, they are going to be going and recruiting in the next month and are wanting to keep options open... meaning that I did something that made them doubt.

Damn. It. I function a lot more comfortably with a certain amount of transparency... and I can't help but feel that the situation has turned frustratingly opaque. So there you go.

It sucks because I'm worried about the future. I get really good grades in my classes, but I feel like maybe I'm lacking some finesse or people-skills or am on a watch list or something, and I hate the fact that I don't know what to do to make sure this doesn't happen again. It's hard to get interviews, so I hate the fact that I don't know what to do to make sure I don't screw up anymore.

I know I'll get a job. I know that life will be ok. I have plans and backup plans and last-ditch plans locked in huge, dusty, old-fashioned safes. Controlling risk--told you I am unendingly fascinated by the concept.

Ok, I'm done complaining about my life. What else is new? Still gay :) I'm gonna run a half marathon tomorrow... not expecting miraculous times, but I need to do something to stay in shape. I no longer have a six-pack... no longer have muscle definition to talk about. My world started revolving around school, I lost ten pounds (probably of muscle) and haven't ran for a month. Will you still love me when I am white, scrawny, and out of shape? Cuz even my tan has been departing.

P.S: got a wristwatch GPS thing for Christmas... can't wait to start trail running. Dear winter, please end quickly.

It's My Life

Finals are over. I think the damage was minimal... hopefully

I hate having curved classes. You hope everyone does well, just not as well as you. We'll see. I could actually get a 4.0, which would be unheard of for me. I literally finished my finals, came home, packed my suitcase in an hour, and left for the airport. I slept 11 hours my first night home... woke up with a message from a company that I have a legitimate shot at getting an internship with. The guy volunteered enough information that I knew they were seriously considering me--talking about pay, hours, timeframe for the internship. The good news? It'd pay for all of my college... yeah... that'd be nice.

We'll see.

Ok, I have to tell this, and maybe it makes me sound crazy... but what do you care? I mean, if I haven't come across as at least a little bit crazy to you, just go read back a few entries.

I'm watching Criminal Minds... yeah... it's a pretty sweet show. And I wouldn't be writing about this if it weren't a recurring thing (not that it's happened in Criminal Minds, but in other shows.) But there's this gay kid in there... and the whole story is kinda weird since it wouldn't be worth watching if it weren't. Anyway, it all culminates in a point where the really good-looking guy is yelling at him that there's nothing wrong with him. I'm not doing the story justice because I don't want to. It's just that as I'm watching this, I'm thinking to myself, "Yeah, there's nothing wrong with that kid. I feel bad that people could make him feel that way."

Squealing tires, screeching brakes...

Well, if there's nothing wrong with him, there's nothing wrong with me. If there's nothing wrong with me, then what the hell am I doing? But it's the church. It's my family. It's my school, my future, my friends. There is something wrong with me. But I can't look at that fake TV kid and think that. I can't look at the other real people in my life like that and think that way. I'm with them. And either there is something wrong with all of us, or none of us. And I can't, no matter how hard I try, bring myself to think there's something wrong with them.

It exposes my flawed logic, my twisted, double standard of sorts... is that what it is?

More Than Useless

So I met up with that guy.

By the way, thank goodness my Pandora station is back to its old self.

But yeah, had that man-date. It was good, fun, kinda uncomfortable for a second or two... but it's funny--I feel like I'm stuck in some weird version of Groundhog Day (or whatever that movie is called) where I'm mysteriously living out the same relationship with a different person... ???

Sounds like an excellent movie; however, it will be one in which I will not be starring. I realize that probably deserves an explanation... wait a second...

After the date, I realized I liked the guy... then, a few days later, we had a dtr--at his request--during which I realized I didn't want an r to d... So yeah, I was in the process of trying to understand the meaning of life/accounting, and I get this text from him saying something along the lines of, "so, what do you think about us and our relationship?" I wanted to buy myself some time, so I texted back, "What do you mean?" Then, we get into this conversation about how he likes me; I say that I like him but just don't want to be doing something I'm going to regret. Then, he says that what he's really wanting is someone that understands and can be a support. As a side note, this is almost exactly what other guy said to me... I think we moved past the "friendly support" within a couple weeks after establishing it. Then I say that I'm not sure if I can be a support without letting it become something more. Then, he wanted an explanation... I explained. Then, he said he wanted a relationship but wanted things to go slowly, which made me wonder where he was going with the "wanting someone that understands" stuff. Then, he talked about how he really likes me and can't stop thinking about me (sorry, I'm not trying to flatter myself--I promise) and wants to see me before I leave. I have a ton of finals crap to do before I leave, so I told him it probably wouldn't be a possibility. Then, I felt relieved. I felt like I was reliving early March with guy... I was pretty much having the same conversation.

For heaven's sake, what the hell is wrong with me? At least my mixed signals aren't intentional. But honestly--how could anyone put up with me?! I can't even put up with myself.

Maybe it's just the busy time of year with finals and feeling on edge about everything I do... including the time I spend blogging instead of studying :). Or maybe I really should just not connect with anyone. I just hurt and confuse them.

And so daydream becomes more obscure; the haze, more opaque.

The people are there. The path is lit. Why would I want to leave it? Even if I wanted to, there's too much at risk right now.

My life is neatly planned, opportunities are carefully positioned in a way that makes them almost unavoidable. Everything around me is so organized... How am I still a mess?

My Life Would Suck Without You

I wonder if my Pandora is starting to suspect? The song caught me by surprise, that's for sure.

I appreciate all that you've done, winter, but I think we should call it quits for a bit. I have, thankfully, not slipped on any ice on campus, but I'm gripped by terror as I walk around--especially sloping parts of campus... like rape hill, for example. As clean and traction-y as they may try to keep it, it's still impossible to be on top of it 100% of the time. Actually, the list time I fell was my freshmen year. My shoes had no traction, I looked at this hill going down to Helaman Halls, and I thought to myself, If you try to walk down that hill, you're going to fall. And then, I walked down the hill. Scratch that--I took like three steps, and my feet literally flew out in front of me. I landed right on my butt. It hurt soooooo bad, and then I get up and see these people walking into the Tanner building, and they're like, "Dude! Did you see that guy fall?" And then this pretty cute girl that was right behind me was like, "Oh my gosh! Are you ok?" Which I thought was funny since if I weren't gay, I would've been attracted to her and, as a result, more embarrassed than I already was.

Needless to say, my butt hurt for a month (not joking) every time I sat down. It was sad. Last year, no falls. Lets hope for the same this year. I would be devastated if I hurt my laptop when walking to campus. He's been a good little guy thus far, and I don't want to punish him for something he didn't do.

And what else? Well, nothing new to talk about with random guy. We're going to grab dinner on Saturday. He called it a date. I am somewhere between excited and wondering what the hell I'm getting myself into. Part of me hopes it'll go really well. Part of me hopes it'll be our last date. I mean, I'm watching this happen and wondering if I'm setting myself up for a repeat of early March-Augusts' events... emotional/religious/familial conflicts on both ends... I had never told a guy that I loved him, been told by a guy that he loves me.

I see myself as this weird, unprepared, awkward mormon kid that has no idea what he's doing, that doesn't feel like he fits in at all with the gay community... maybe that's why both of these guys are ridiculously straight-acting. Anyway, the fact that I gravitate towards these kinda guys (along with the mormon factors) predispositions me to be confused. And I can't be mad about it. I'm just as confusing... throw just as many mixed signals...

And someday (assuming that daydream was true, and there really will be a guy sleeping in my bed), I'm going to find a mormon guy like me, except we'll have our shit together.

I'm sure it'll happen... hopefully sooner than later...

Designer Skyline

It's been a little while. So this other guy kinda randomly showed up in my life. Turns out that he is... that he likes me... and I'm pretty sure the feeling is mutual. But there isn't anything I can do about it. Like I said before--I don't want to feel like I'm going through my time here trying to deceive the people around me... people that I actually care about.

How appropriate. It happens right as I'm realizing that nothing like that could or should happen while I'm still in school. Can I just please turn over my agency for a bit?

So what else is new? Great job prospects, potential internships for this summer (which is my primary concern), random people with amazing insight and connections that randomly show up in my life and somehow keep the path lit, keep guiding me toward what, by all other accounts, seems like a bright and happy future. Honestly, the industry is really hard to break into. And getting into it the standard way would involve my having a job that would require an average of 100 hours a week (not exaggerating) for two or three years... I would make six months, I think. Then, I would either have a breakdown or kill myself.

But I digress. The point is that I have so much to be grateful for. I have had so much help, and I know these people didn't accidentally show up in my life.

You put them there. You have this unwavering faith in me that manifests itself in so many parts of my life. You've managed everything else besides the being gay part. I know you want me to learn to manage it; I know that great and important lessons will be learned--lessons that will change my eternity. I just wish I had the same faith in you that you have in me. I wish I could thank you with more faith, more devotion to the Gospel. The words may seem empty, but I promise they aren't: Thank you. I am so grateful.