By the way, thank goodness my Pandora station is back to its old self.
But yeah, had that man-date. It was good, fun, kinda uncomfortable for a second or two... but it's funny--I feel like I'm stuck in some weird version of Groundhog Day (or whatever that movie is called) where I'm mysteriously living out the same relationship with a different person... ???
Sounds like an excellent movie; however, it will be one in which I will not be starring. I realize that probably deserves an explanation... wait a second...
After the date, I realized I liked the guy... then, a few days later, we had a dtr--at his request--during which I realized I didn't want an r to d... So yeah, I was in the process of trying to understand the meaning of life/accounting, and I get this text from him saying something along the lines of, "so, what do you think about us and our relationship?" I wanted to buy myself some time, so I texted back, "What do you mean?" Then, we get into this conversation about how he likes me; I say that I like him but just don't want to be doing something I'm going to regret. Then, he says that what he's really wanting is someone that understands and can be a support. As a side note, this is almost exactly what other guy said to me... I think we moved past the "friendly support" within a couple weeks after establishing it. Then I say that I'm not sure if I can be a support without letting it become something more. Then, he wanted an explanation... I explained. Then, he said he wanted a relationship but wanted things to go slowly, which made me wonder where he was going with the "wanting someone that understands" stuff. Then, he talked about how he really likes me and can't stop thinking about me (sorry, I'm not trying to flatter myself--I promise) and wants to see me before I leave. I have a ton of finals crap to do before I leave, so I told him it probably wouldn't be a possibility. Then, I felt relieved. I felt like I was reliving early March with guy... I was pretty much having the same conversation.
For heaven's sake, what the hell is wrong with me? At least my mixed signals aren't intentional. But honestly--how could anyone put up with me?! I can't even put up with myself.
Maybe it's just the busy time of year with finals and feeling on edge about everything I do... including the time I spend blogging instead of studying :). Or maybe I really should just not connect with anyone. I just hurt and confuse them.
And so daydream becomes more obscure; the haze, more opaque.
The people are there. The path is lit. Why would I want to leave it? Even if I wanted to, there's too much at risk right now.
My life is neatly planned, opportunities are carefully positioned in a way that makes them almost unavoidable. Everything around me is so organized... How am I still a mess?
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