I appreciate all that you've done, winter, but I think we should call it quits for a bit. I have, thankfully, not slipped on any ice on campus, but I'm gripped by terror as I walk around--especially sloping parts of campus... like rape hill, for example. As clean and traction-y as they may try to keep it, it's still impossible to be on top of it 100% of the time. Actually, the list time I fell was my freshmen year. My shoes had no traction, I looked at this hill going down to Helaman Halls, and I thought to myself, If you try to walk down that hill, you're going to fall. And then, I walked down the hill. Scratch that--I took like three steps, and my feet literally flew out in front of me. I landed right on my butt. It hurt soooooo bad, and then I get up and see these people walking into the Tanner building, and they're like, "Dude! Did you see that guy fall?" And then this pretty cute girl that was right behind me was like, "Oh my gosh! Are you ok?" Which I thought was funny since if I weren't gay, I would've been attracted to her and, as a result, more embarrassed than I already was.
Needless to say, my butt hurt for a month (not joking) every time I sat down. It was sad. Last year, no falls. Lets hope for the same this year. I would be devastated if I hurt my laptop when walking to campus. He's been a good little guy thus far, and I don't want to punish him for something he didn't do.
And what else? Well, nothing new to talk about with random guy. We're going to grab dinner on Saturday. He called it a date. I am somewhere between excited and wondering what the hell I'm getting myself into. Part of me hopes it'll go really well. Part of me hopes it'll be our last date. I mean, I'm watching this happen and wondering if I'm setting myself up for a repeat of early March-Augusts' events... emotional/religious/familial conflicts on both ends... I had never told a guy that I loved him, been told by a guy that he loves me.
I see myself as this weird, unprepared, awkward mormon kid that has no idea what he's doing, that doesn't feel like he fits in at all with the gay community... maybe that's why both of these guys are ridiculously straight-acting. Anyway, the fact that I gravitate towards these kinda guys (along with the mormon factors) predispositions me to be confused. And I can't be mad about it. I'm just as confusing... throw just as many mixed signals...
And someday (assuming that daydream was true, and there really will be a guy sleeping in my bed), I'm going to find a mormon guy like me, except we'll have our shit together.
I'm sure it'll happen... hopefully sooner than later...
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