Hark! The Herald Trumpets Sing

I'm going to give this another shot:

The internal conflict comes from the deception. I go to school and pretend like everything is ok and like I'm just your average mormon kid, looking for a wife while getting an education. It bothers me not to be open about my struggle.

But I can live with that.

I couldn't live with hooking up and blatantly disregarding and breaking the rules, the commandments. I couldn't give up the Gospel and pretend like everything was still the same, like I was still "in" the Church, still keeping the commandments. It would make me sick.

So, as we've already decided, that takes care of my little dilemma for as long as I'm in school... for a year-ish... But I feel this growing weight, maybe? I don't know how to explain it--butterflies, anticipation, this overwhelming desire to be ok with myself, to live and love without being afraid of the consequences... Sounds like a dangerous road, right?

Thank goodness I have no inclination to be a criminal or man whore... I mean, you should know what I mean. I guess maybe I was trying to get at that when I wrote about that daydream. I can't live that dream with someone out of obligation. The closer I try to get to a girl, the farther I want to be from her. It's kind of sad, right? I'm not saying that I've given up all hope. For heaven's sake, I'm at school for another year and more, so I might as well keep trying. But the more I try, the more I become convinced that it isn't a life I can live. I could live it if I had the true desire, but I don't, and I don't know how to get it...

So where does that leave me? I go on, for now. I stay faithful. I'll keep trying to date girls to see if I can find one who will help me change. But there's an expiration date on this fight.

And I think I'm done being sorry about it.

Don't Stop Believin'

But it gets gayer--it's the Glee cover of the song!

Hey, sleeping guy in daydream? Can you please sing like that? I mean, you don't have to, but it'd be kinda nice... I'm just sayin'...

And my life, and this void, and guys that could fill it--if only...

So yeah, what prompted this? A movie. It's weird. It's retarded. You know how you can tell I'm confused? My sentences are short.

This has been a blessed break. I've gotten more than 8 hours of sleep every night, I've eaten amazing food, I've gotten to be with my family. I feel like my life is more grounded, like my direction is clearer... does that sound weird?

Ok, I'm gonna go to bed and write when I can be a little more coherent.

Swim

This song is appropriate, to say the least.

I have this class that I've had a few tests in. The class average has been very low C- range, and I keep getting A's on them... good thing I love it. Good thing that its the subject I want a career in. Good thing my professor is ultra supportive/helpful as far as providing direction.

So it lead me to daydream... I had a good job, money, a comfortable life. I came home to a nice, one-story home, walked inside to what look like a pottery barn magazine shoot--just nice, clean, not ostentatious in the least... well, I don't think pottery barn is ostentatious... maybe you do? It was exactly what I wanted... and then, it skipped to the morning. My alarm went off--early. I got out of bed, got in the shower, came back in the bedroom with a white towel wrapped around my waist. There was a guy in my bed. I watched him sleep for second. I kissed him on the cheek--gently so I wouldn't wake him. I kept getting ready, and before I left for work, I kissed him on the cheek once more. He stirred a little. And then I left. I was happy to go to work.

And no matter how hard I try, I can't hate the daydream. Tell me what to do.

O Holy Night

The snow makes it official--I can't wait for Christmas. Actually, I love all of the stuff leading up to it. Christmas day itself is kinda sad just because its the end of the season after that.

I've signed on to type a few times, but I always just close the blog and go do something else. I'm not sure why. Part of me really just does feel like a broken record for saying the things that I do, and a big part of me is focused on so much other stuff in my life.

I made a cranberry chutney... yes, as gay as it sounds... I don't understand why the holidays just naturally make me crave pumpkin, cranberries, chocolate--my calorie intake goes up about 5x, I think. And it's worse because I can't run anymore unless I want to go run on the devil track that hurts and takes 1,000 laps to make a mile. Honestly, a short trail run would take 35 laps, and I usually feel like killing myself long before then.

I had a dream last night, and the guy was in it. I realized that I don't really miss him anymore. It's weird how my memories are either eroding the good from those times or making me see them more objectively... more than likely, it's the latter. My life has made such a weird transition. Or maybe it has circled around to where I was last year. But if my life starts to resemble Groundhog Day, I will move to the wilderness of Peru.

Anyway, about the guy: I was just thinking about how the more aloof I was, the nicer he was; how the more sincere I got, the more aloof he became. So where am I now? Some weird position between aloof and sincere, trying to connect but not willing to commit--does that make sense? Well, for better or worse, it is pretty much impossible to find other guys out here. Well, you can find other guys, but they pretty much just want to hook up. I guess maybe its less (though apparently still a factor) of a hormonal thing for me and more of something with a little more depth.

What am I saying? It's not going to happen. I'm not going to let it happen. Life is balanced and good... not perfect, but good. I'm comfortable with where I am (although it does involve a fair amount of discomfort) and happy with where I'm going. I'd just rather not go by myself, you know? The predicament.

Time out. I'm looking at the "labels for this post:" thing right underneath the box that I type my post in, and it says underneath that, "e.g. scooters, vacation, fall."

Scooters?!

What the hell?! Of all of the random crap you could've put there--family, friends, cooking, pictures... but scooters?! I think I just had a seizure.

But I digress. My life will be ok, I know. I'm picking a direction, I'm moving forward, I'm happy with it, but I don't know how the whole "gay" thing fits into my life. I don't know how I want it to fit into my life. But here's the deal: I plan on enjoying my life, I plan on being happy and surrounding myself with people that I love, people that love me. I'm not going to go through my life as a sad, lonely, self-denying (though we shouldn't make decisions according to appetites--principles, instead) kind of guy. Granted, a certain amount of self denial comes with the territory, but mutual love is (haha... like I actually know what I'm talking about... "seems" may be better) both important and necessary to me. If it's a guy, it's a guy, and I will be happy. "At least we know that if we die, we lived with passion," goes the song.

Maybe I'm condemning myself to a certain fate by making my mind up about that, but I feel unendingly frustrated when I think about this retarded challenge.

Why did you have to ask so much of me? And I know the answer. I know what I am asked to give is a infinitely small fraction of what has already been given. But I don't know if I'm that strong. In fact, I'm almost positive I'm not. I've got so many good people, so many good things in my life, so much that other people don't. But I honestly would give it away to get rid of this challenge. Money? Health? Something. Anything. That stuff isn't what I value very most. You know it. But this. The possibility of not filling this void? I'm sorry. I'm sorry to question. Sometimes I want to yell at you. Sometimes I do yell at you, but you don't say anything back--well, nothing is spoken. But you don't get angry, either. You make me realize that I know exactly what the answer is but leave the path obscure, terrifying. Light it. Please. I can't keep it up like this for long. If I'm going to fight this indefinitely, something has to change.

Carol of the Bells

I feel so much like a broken record, sometimes. It's just that you hear the part that I don't tell anyone else. Because I don't tell anyone else, I have to tell you. I hope you meet me in real life someday so that you can see that there is more to me.

What to say? Well, I've made a decided change of career paths, leaving behind medicine... my parents aren't thrilled, but I feel so excited to go to my classes, do my homework, read my textbooks. It's actually kind of messed up--in a good way. And I can actually imagine myself staying at a job for a long time and being happy to wake up in the morning and go to work. It isn't like I'm afraid of hard work or anything, I just don't feel like I've had too many meaningful jobs in my life, so I haven't had the desire to stay there for longer than I have had to.

Also, I think my body may be concerned about the coming winter, seeing as how I have managed to eat breakfast, lunch, and four (yes, four) dinners. The other sad thing is that I'm not really running too much due to my crazy schedule. It is only a matter of time before I turn into a fatty. The good news is that my jeans are all 30-waist, so I can't actually get fat--at least not there... haha.

And the whole world around me is getting sick. I'm trying to avoid it as much as I can. I would really be ok with foregoing the "swine flu" thing and everything it entails. We'll see how lucky I can be, though.

And maybe I can tell you a story:

Right before I left on my mission, I lost my license and had to go get a new one. My buddy drove me to the DMV and waited outside while I went in and got the new one. I got the license, went outside to my buddy's car, opened the door, and started getting in. Then, I look over to the driver's seat and realize that there is, in fact, a girl sitting there, talking on her cell phone. Her mouth dropped open, and she just stared at me. Turns out that it was the wrong car...

There you go. I'm not such a boring person, after all. And it is late. I will be turning into a pumpkin if I do not go to bed soon.

Early Birdie

I can feel my life hanging in this awkward, delicate balance. There is so much in my life that has the potential to go really, really well for me... but it's up in the air, unknown, uncertain. It kind of makes me uncomfortable because knowing bad news means you can deal with it; knowing good news is, of course, preferable; knowing no news is just not ideal.

Oh well.

Either way, it doesn't cease to amaze me how ridiculously well things can go in spite of my retarded self trying to get in the way. I find that I am ridiculously busy and happiest that way, happiest when it is a good busy. But once it gets to be the bad kind, I start falling apart. Let's just hope it doesn't get to the bad kind.

I get so frustrated by how easily I fall apart. But here I am, finding myself with blessings that I have done absolutely nothing to deserve. I walk around, I wait for things to go wrong in my life, but they don't. He's there, helping, blessing, and I feel like I do so little to show my appreciation, my sincere gratitude.

I had a dream about him last night after I had been reflecting on my current situation and completely undeserved blessings. Why? And I woke up and missed him. But the day picks up speed, and I don't think about it anymore. Then, I get to the end of the day and realize how good things are, how different I feel. Ugh. I have homework.