I've signed on to type a few times, but I always just close the blog and go do something else. I'm not sure why. Part of me really just does feel like a broken record for saying the things that I do, and a big part of me is focused on so much other stuff in my life.
I made a cranberry chutney... yes, as gay as it sounds... I don't understand why the holidays just naturally make me crave pumpkin, cranberries, chocolate--my calorie intake goes up about 5x, I think. And it's worse because I can't run anymore unless I want to go run on the devil track that hurts and takes 1,000 laps to make a mile. Honestly, a short trail run would take 35 laps, and I usually feel like killing myself long before then.
I had a dream last night, and the guy was in it. I realized that I don't really miss him anymore. It's weird how my memories are either eroding the good from those times or making me see them more objectively... more than likely, it's the latter. My life has made such a weird transition. Or maybe it has circled around to where I was last year. But if my life starts to resemble Groundhog Day, I will move to the wilderness of Peru.
Anyway, about the guy: I was just thinking about how the more aloof I was, the nicer he was; how the more sincere I got, the more aloof he became. So where am I now? Some weird position between aloof and sincere, trying to connect but not willing to commit--does that make sense? Well, for better or worse, it is pretty much impossible to find other guys out here. Well, you can find other guys, but they pretty much just want to hook up. I guess maybe its less (though apparently still a factor) of a hormonal thing for me and more of something with a little more depth.
What am I saying? It's not going to happen. I'm not going to let it happen. Life is balanced and good... not perfect, but good. I'm comfortable with where I am (although it does involve a fair amount of discomfort) and happy with where I'm going. I'd just rather not go by myself, you know? The predicament.
Time out. I'm looking at the "labels for this post:" thing right underneath the box that I type my post in, and it says underneath that, "e.g. scooters, vacation, fall."
Scooters?!
What the hell?! Of all of the random crap you could've put there--family, friends, cooking, pictures... but scooters?! I think I just had a seizure.
But I digress. My life will be ok, I know. I'm picking a direction, I'm moving forward, I'm happy with it, but I don't know how the whole "gay" thing fits into my life. I don't know how I want it to fit into my life. But here's the deal: I plan on enjoying my life, I plan on being happy and surrounding myself with people that I love, people that love me. I'm not going to go through my life as a sad, lonely, self-denying (though we shouldn't make decisions according to appetites--principles, instead) kind of guy. Granted, a certain amount of self denial comes with the territory, but mutual love is (haha... like I actually know what I'm talking about... "seems" may be better) both important and necessary to me. If it's a guy, it's a guy, and I will be happy. "At least we know that if we die, we lived with passion," goes the song.
Maybe I'm condemning myself to a certain fate by making my mind up about that, but I feel unendingly frustrated when I think about this retarded challenge.
Why did you have to ask so much of me? And I know the answer. I know what I am asked to give is a infinitely small fraction of what has already been given. But I don't know if I'm that strong. In fact, I'm almost positive I'm not. I've got so many good people, so many good things in my life, so much that other people don't. But I honestly would give it away to get rid of this challenge. Money? Health? Something. Anything. That stuff isn't what I value very most. You know it. But this. The possibility of not filling this void? I'm sorry. I'm sorry to question. Sometimes I want to yell at you. Sometimes I do yell at you, but you don't say anything back--well, nothing is spoken. But you don't get angry, either. You make me realize that I know exactly what the answer is but leave the path obscure, terrifying. Light it. Please. I can't keep it up like this for long. If I'm going to fight this indefinitely, something has to change.
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