The internal conflict comes from the deception. I go to school and pretend like everything is ok and like I'm just your average mormon kid, looking for a wife while getting an education. It bothers me not to be open about my struggle.
But I can live with that.
I couldn't live with hooking up and blatantly disregarding and breaking the rules, the commandments. I couldn't give up the Gospel and pretend like everything was still the same, like I was still "in" the Church, still keeping the commandments. It would make me sick.
So, as we've already decided, that takes care of my little dilemma for as long as I'm in school... for a year-ish... But I feel this growing weight, maybe? I don't know how to explain it--butterflies, anticipation, this overwhelming desire to be ok with myself, to live and love without being afraid of the consequences... Sounds like a dangerous road, right?
Thank goodness I have no inclination to be a criminal or man whore... I mean, you should know what I mean. I guess maybe I was trying to get at that when I wrote about that daydream. I can't live that dream with someone out of obligation. The closer I try to get to a girl, the farther I want to be from her. It's kind of sad, right? I'm not saying that I've given up all hope. For heaven's sake, I'm at school for another year and more, so I might as well keep trying. But the more I try, the more I become convinced that it isn't a life I can live. I could live it if I had the true desire, but I don't, and I don't know how to get it...
So where does that leave me? I go on, for now. I stay faithful. I'll keep trying to date girls to see if I can find one who will help me change. But there's an expiration date on this fight.
And I think I'm done being sorry about it.
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