End of All Time (Stars of Track and Field)

My family is gone today--phew. Gotta be honest: I love my parents and everything, but I need some alone time every once in a while. Being home has made me realize that if I ever did live close to home, I'd need to live outside of my parents' houses.

But I'm pretty sure I won't be sticking around here for a little while. It would be a nice place to come back to, but I want to go somewhere new... prove to myself that I can do it.

In other news, I'm hopelessly googly-eyed by a missionary... right? One-way ticket straight to hell, I say. (A) He's not gay; (B) he's a genuinely good person; (C) even if he were gay, where would we go from there? He's a missionary. I wish I could just turn off the attraction sometimes. I just try to keep running through those thoughts whenever that thought crosses my mind. Having been a missionary (and a gay one, at that), I can say that what I really wanted was to do what I was called to do to the best extent that I could. In spite of the raging hormones, I wouldn't have ever wanted to compromise that blessing. What am I trying to say? Even if this was the result of aligning stars and fates and threads, it couldn't happen.

Ok, I feel better. I'm eating a bowl of chickpeas and curry right now... I'm not sure why I love Indian food so much, but I do. I go through my Indian spices faster than the Mexican ones, which I didn't think was possible.

This song is actually pretty excellent. It helped calm me down a little bit, there.

You really don't need to read this post. I don't know if it's my time of the month or what, but I just need to get this stuff off of my chest.

You remember how I used to say I felt about the guy? As a side note, I need to think of a different nickname for him. Anyway, I liked him a lot. He liked me, too. Granted, the relationship (and I use the term loosely) was a little messed up--self-loathing and frustration mixed with attraction and concern created some kind of an emotional whiplash for us, and as much as I like to point out his crap, I was definitely not without blame.

But to make a long story short, something about being with the guy made me feel like everything was ok... it made me painfully aware of the fact that our relationship was not ok in its time and place. I like to be aware of risks and obstacles before jumping into something, but in spite of the impassable mountain of obstacles and potential consequences, I felt like everything was going to be fine... I felt like all I needed was the person sitting next to me. More than that, I felt ok about myself. I don't wander around feeling like an outcast, but there was something reaffirming about being with him.

Was it love?

I don't know. Honestly, the farther I get from that time, the more I become convinced that it was infatuation. The older I get, the more convinced I am that I've never actually been in love.

Whatever it was, I find myself wishing sometimes that I hadn't experienced it. Before that, the whole idea of finding someone seemed entirely impossible, unreasonable. It wasn't something I hoped for or looked for--just something I considered a dream, at best... a star shining from an unreachable corner of space.

But to find someone that makes you come alive, to find someone that makes you feel safe, important... it awakens something that will never go back to sleep. And as much as I try to convince myself that it is something I don't need or want, as much as I try to throw myself into whatever projects I can to make myself forget, the feeling remains. The dream has materialized, has become a reality... I've reached up and plucked the star from the sky and can't find the will to return and abandon it. I may miss the naïveté of it, but there is no way to go back.

I should embrace the uncertainty of it all, I know. Life has this really excellent way of forcing us through awkward doors, of bestowing perspectives we may initially not want... but perspectives we eventually treasure.

Well, that will definitely do for today. Guess I've had a lot to say. Again, you definitely get some mad brownie points for sticking it out this far. I can't even begin to tell you how nice it is outside, and I think I should go enjoy it.

Later.