Who I Am Hates Who I've Been

I can fight.

I cried. That never happens. It was night, I was alone. I was frustrated-- why wouldn't that feeling go away?

And then I realized something: I was frustrated with me, not the problem. "I don't think this will ever go away, but I'm happier than I've ever been," said the kid-- the smart one, the friend.

What have I become? To make decisions based on appetites and desires is a horrible way to live my life. Instead, I must live my life according to my values... I know I've said it, but I guess I'm seeing it more completely. Living my life according to my values means forgoing those appetites and desires that don't reflect the things that are important to me:

1. My family

2. My Integrity

3. The Church and everything it entails

"Sometimes it's good to feel an external obligation," the bishop said to me. I didn't want to believe him, but I know he's right. I can feel the weight of what my family hopes for me. I love them so much. I value them, and I compromise them by indulging in my desires and appetites. I pretend that everything is ok. I compromise my integrity.

And then there's the church. I fought so hard. I knew it was the right thing, and I was willing to sacrifice whatever was required of me. I spent hours studying the doctrine, hours arguing about the doctrine. My dad sold my car, cut me off, financially. I didn't care-- I knew it would be ok. It was ok. It was more than ok-- it was miraculous.

I felt something that I haven't had anywhere else. It wasn't the euphoric sensation of finally experiencing what I had always wanted... a sensation that didn't last. This was something that permeated all aspects of my life. This was something that made me

Better

Better in the way I interacted with the people around me, better in the way I treated myself, better in the way I worked and lived.

I was right-- the problem was there. It always was. It grew and yelled and screamed, but I felt like I could grasp an unshifting, a stable foundation. I just grasped and stayed still and waited for the storm to pass.

And then I didn't.

The coefficient of static friction is greater than that of kinetic, right? To hold fast in the storm was easier after exerting the initial, intense effort to lie solid, still, immovable. And once I moved, I didn't feel like I had the energy to stop again.

So look, I don't want this blog to be about spiritual gyrations. Like I said before, I feel like I need to give the Gospel a shot. I want you to help me... er... just look for "yes, yes, no, no" at the beginning of my posts. That's the goal.

You know how I signed off on every single journal entry (and I wrote daily, mind you) for three years?

The fight is still worth it.