I had the overwhelming urge to leave and go back to school. I'm not sure why...
I just had this weird, restless feeling like there's something more I need to be doing... or something that's missing... well, that's the story of my life, but I was more aware of it tonight, for some reason.
The last time I had a restless feeling like this, it was 'cuz the guy told me he made out with someone, and I, consequently, crammed, packed, took my finals, and drove home. That was a different kind of restless. But I guess that in both situations, I've felt like I need to do something different with my life...
Ugh, this isn't making as much sense as I was hoping.
I caught a glimpse. There was a gyration, but not the same kind of one I'm used to having. Tearing myself down, pulling myself apart...
And she just texted me. I feel this pain or longing for something that I honestly don't feel like I can have. If only I could be straight, I would be so happy with her. Dammit. This stupid challenge. I'd take drug addictions or chronic illness or deaths and pestilence or anything else in the world because it would be, in essence, external. As far as the external challenges that I've faced in life go, I feel like I've faced them successfully.
But this internal one...
You can't. You've been trying for the past five (almost six) years, and nothing has changed. This is a part of you, and it isn't going away. This is something you have to accept.
I can't tell. Am I right? Is it? It's way more confusing.
Back to what I was saying, though... I know I've talked about it before, but I have a knack for ripping myself apart, making myself feel worthless. I've been doing better, but I had a brief attack of it tonight. And then, I experienced some kind of mental whiplash. It was a gyration in that regard.
It's in my nature to compare myself to others. It's been good for some things... Scratch that-- it hasn't been good for anything. Yeah, it made me good at music, but at what cost? And now, I base my self-worth on how I compare to others. But the thing of it is that I can't compare myself to others...
Their situations, their experiences, their challenges are different than mine. They may play trumpet like me, they may run like me, they may study what I study, but the comparison ends there. There are a million contributing factors to the situation-- factors that I don't know or understand. We do the same things, but we are very different people.
My self worth depends on factors they could never begin to influence.
Ok. I'm done.
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