What a strange feeling. I was packing my stuff up, had the windows open in my room. It was so nice outside. The weather made me feel like it was time to leave-- ok, trying not to sound crazy. I think that that is what the weather usually feels like when I'm leaving, so it seemed appropriate... just weird, cuz it definitely isn't August weather.
Good, now that I'm making no sense and contradicting myself... forget it...
As I was packing my car, I was having flashbacks of the angry, hurt, rushed retreat from Provo in June. I was thinking about what has changed since then.
I really have become a lot more independent... again. I guess the difference isn't in that I don't feel, but those feelings provoke different responses, you know? I don't feel like I'm retreating from home. I did last year. I could feel myself slipping after my mission, and I just wanted to get out to school and be around people who were going to have a good influence on me. I had to leave, so I did-- fast. And then June was most definitely a retreat in the worst way.
But this is different. I feel comfortable, confident. The future isn't more certain for me, but I'm more certain of myself, more certain of my ability to adapt, to survive, to fight. Granted, a car accident could kill me tomorrow, but the point is that this isn't a retreat. I'm finally learning to deal with the thing that I've been trying to retreat from this whole time-- myself. While the problem isn't easy to resolve, it's a start.
I started by envisioning this worst-case scenarios I could experience, within reason: Getting kicked out of school, getting outed, and losing my friends. I thought about what would happen, you know? Like for real. But there was always an and then? And with that, another step. Even in the face of my "worst-case scenario," life would go on. I wouldn't give up, and my life wouldn't be ruined.
So this frantic voice in my head diminished to some incoherent, quiet mutterings... haha, I'm still schizophrenic... not really, but I sound like it? But I digress.
I was so afraid of what would happen, and it was making my life so stressful for me. But then, I entertained the thoughts, my fears, and I'm not so afraid anymore. And I'm not driven and consumed by that fear.
For a change, I'm heading back to Provo with a small sense of victory.
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