I'm Waiting

I'm reading my scriptures, I'm praying, I'm getting better...

I'm really missing the connection right now. I'm missing the closeness.

The divide... ugh. How can I avoid it? It's impossible, I guess. When I'm not doing the right thing, I feel a longing to do the right thing. When I'm doing the right thing, I feel a longing not to do the right thing...

A change of heart is what I need, I guess. My mission president taught that it was only the Holy Ghost who could provide that change. I prayed, but maybe I wasn't sincere... how can I sincerely desire a change of heart if my heart has to change to desire it? But the pendulum swings of my preferences make it hard to beat a path in either direction-- fighting, clearing, pushing ahead... turning around, moving the other way, fighting, clearing, pushing ahead...

I can't complain. Everything else in my life is surprisingly put together, successful. I'm really grateful. It's just this. And it's just tonight. I guess I'm just feeling a longing to feel some reconciliation of these two parts.

I feel so much like a broken record, a static character. I promise I'm not. I'd kind of like to tell you about other stuff in my life, but I don't want you to stumble across this and know who I am. There was the Matis fireside this week. I kind of wanted to go, but I'm afraid of connecting, again. And it's hard to connect because then you're angry for either pulling that person away from the church or pulling yourself away from the church, or both. You realize you aren't happy without them, but you're not happy with them because you care about them and know that you aren't making their life easier.

Then, again, loving someone isn't making life easier. It's easier to separate yourself from that emotion...

I'm confused.

But I need to stop focusing on that. I really have an excellent set-up (minus the gay thing) in life right now. I mean, I'm still not sure how exactly my future is going to turn out, but I like my classes, I'm getting really good grades, I have great roommates, a great ward, good friends, money (thank goodness!), a nice tan... Life is good, TC. Life is good.

Anyways, thanks, again, for listening to my craziness.

I feel like I should tell you a story just to make this worth your time.

When I was little, and I had to go to the bathroom, I used to hold it until the last possible second... I don't know why. One time, we were sitting at the dinner table, and I knew I had to go, but I kept waiting. I was 5. Suddenly, I had to go-- really, really bad. I jumped out of my chair, ran through the kitchen, bounced off the walls as I ran through there and the TV room, into the foyer, into the bathroom, and I passed out and fell right between the toilet and the sink. My head hurt, but you know what? Even though I passed out, I still didn't wet myself. And I never tried to hold it that long ever again. The end.