To say this week has been busy would be an understatement. 3 tests down, 3 to go, and 1 per week (or more) until the end of the semester. I'm so glad it keeps me busy.
I think I'm getting less concerned with my physical shape, too... haha. No belly yet, don't think I'll ever have that problem, but I'm definitely getting less toned. I manage to go running about twice a week. I mean, I'm busy, but I'm sure I could find a way if I really wanted to. It's just that there's no one to impress... nothing I'd be accomplishing. Granted, the running is more for me-- a way to unwind and sort my thoughts--but everything else was... well, anyways...
I can feel the shift, the solidifying of the decision I've made. I can feel my life coming together. There was something thrilling, exhilarating, and chaos-inducing... the instability, the insecurity... and I'm around these girls that I think would always be there, be stable, foster something deeper. I feel safe.
And I'm reading my scriptures, I'm praying, I'm making good choices. I'm getting things back in line with what I think I want to be, what I'm wanting to be. If I could make an unconditional commitment, that would be ideal, but I'll take what I can get. I'll take this desire and run with it. I guess I'm not ready. I kind of miss it, but I'm not ready. And the connection is kind of supplied through my friends. Maybe that was what I was craving... I know I'm gay and am not expecting it to magically disappear, but I feel the intensity diminishing.
And 2 girls. Both asked me out... guess I should work on being a little more traditional. But I like them. I think I could develop something deeper with them. I just wish I could be sure; I don't want to arrive at a future point where I can't take things further, get married, you know?
And please make this:
2/3 c sugar
1/4 c cocoa
1/4 c corn starch
1/4 tsp salt
2 c milk
1/2 c milk
1 egg
2 TBSP Butter
a little less than 1 tsp vanilla (or more if you like it)
Whisk the sugar, cocoa, corn starch, and salt. Slowly whisk in 2 c milk. Microwave for four minutes or so. Mix in extra 1/2 c milk and egg. Microwave for 1 minute intervals until pudding thickens. Once it is at the consistency you want, stir in the butter and vanilla.
Eat it. Eat it while it is warm. Eat it and feel better. It's hard to be unhappy at all when you sit down and eat a whole bowl of that stuff.
And my outlook on life: scary, exhilarating, unknown... but I feel like I'm approaching it all from a stable foundation, a base, and I feel so much better. This is what I need... maybe it isn't permanent, you know? But it is what I need for right now.
The situation, the people, the timing, I know I'm where I need to be. I don't miss the guy--not anymore. I don't need that validation.
I felt this intense, undeniable pressure from expectations I felt like everyone in my life had placed on me: my family, my friends, my ward. But they're a thousand miles away. Here, I feel different. Here, no one seems to expect anything of me. I have time to take care of what I expect of me, what He expects of me...
In 2 Kings: 6, The king of Syria is pissed 'cuz somehow Israel always knows what his next move is going to be. He finds out about Elisha and sends an army to encircle his city, to bring him back. Elisha and his servant wake up in the morning and look out and see an army surrounding the city. "Alas, my master!" the servant says, "How shall we do?"
"And he answered, Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them."
"And Elisha prayed, and said, Lord, I pray thee, open his eyes that he may see. And the Lord opened the eyes of the young man; and he saw: and behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire round about Elisha."
Is it true? Sometimes, I thought I felt them. I felt them in my mission, I think. I think I feel them now. The fight--it'll be a fight--to do what I really think is right... it'll suck, just like it always has. But with the help of heaven? To deny or to miraculously change (though miraculous change is certainly welcome) isn't necessarily what I'm expecting... just the help to do what I think is going to make me happy at this point in my life.
I'm glad for what happened. I'm glad that I learned to connect on a deeper level, recognize that I actually have emotions, deal with them. I'm glad that it happened. I'm glad that it made me cry. I'm glad that it tore me up inside and forced me to recognize the blessings I have unknowingly received from the Gospel, the gradual, miraculous change that affected so many parts of my life, just not the part that I was fixated on; I'm glad that I felt the absence of the Gospel light in my life, a void much deeper and darker than the one I was trying to fill... I'm not ready to give it up. I can't give it up--not yet.
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