Russian composers treated winds differently. So Tchaikovsky had that going for him. Then, there was his whole "interesting" life. I can't help but identify with him. I think I played it in ensembles 4 more times and heard it performed by the CSO this summer on the lawn at the Ravinia park... if that's how you spell it.
But I digress.
Ok, I have to level with you:
I had gotten over the guy, it's true. There was silence for a little while, and it was at the same time that I could feel myself changing. There was some other stuff, too, but I'm not too big on little details when I'm trying to get to a point. Anyway, I wasn't sure what he was expecting, you know? Because he used to be really transparent, up front...
And so I took it as a sign and made up my mind that it was done, that I wasn't going to pine or mourn. There's too much for me to do to deal with that.
Tonight, I sit down to write a spanish paper, finish an accounting report, analyze a case, do some number-crunching, understand the world economy (haha)... So much homework requiring a lot of focus, uninterrupted time...
"Sorry. I can't talk to you anymore. My bishop is serious."
What the hell am I supposed to feel? Part of me wishes it was por su propia voluntad. It throws me. I guess things shouldn't change, though... right?
But I feel bad, now. It was the catalyst, I guess. My island suddenly got very lonely and dark. I had come to terms, I was ok, I was focused and working and happy.
Part of me figured that this would happen, you know? I mean, I don't think my bishop is the kind of guy that would ever ban me from talking to guys like me, but maybe he would if it were a guy that I used to make out with... even if he were living a thousand miles away.
It just makes it hard. It makes it an unclean break.
I can't get it out, again. This blog is a horrible mess. I just want it to go away. I don't want that feeling anymore. I hate loving and knowing- knowing that it isn't right to feel that way but knowing that those feelings are about as sincere of emotions as I have ever experienced. And I feel myself physically separating, warring over principles that are all inseparably intertwined with what I feel is my spirit. It is a complete dichotomy. The success of one is entirely dependent on the denial, defeat of the other. Coexisting is not a choice; not choosing leads to not existing, to floating and functioning on a level that doesn't recognize emotion. Then, life becomes pointless, colorless.
The journey, the fight shapes and scars and directs me, I know. But I wish I could have a different journey. I don't know if I knew or understood the challenge in the pre-existence. I wish I could have had a different one. I could handle an addiction, I could handle my parents disowning me, I could handle religious persecution because it would all come from the outside. This comes from within, and I apparently know how to put up a good fight with myself.
Just let me forget this, God. Just let this part of me be ripped off and thrown away.
I talked to my dad about internships back at home. He knows lots of people since getting to know really rich people was pretty much his job. I can tell he wants me to go to med school. So does everyone else. I just feel like I should take my life in this direction. If I could get an internship back at home, that would be ideal. If not, I'll try for one somewhere else, but I really liked being around my family this summer... even if I was lazy and didn't have a job. We'll see. The job market isn't great, I know, but I can't keep making decisions in fear of the future. To plan for it is one thing, I think, but to cease to do those things that you really like because of it is another. If this is really what I'm passionate about, I won't have a problem getting a job. I won't have a problem because the connections really are in place, so I shouldn't have to worry. I just don't like uncertainty. I don't like risk unless it is calculated, thought out, and intentionally taken. That will either serve me well or put a gun to my head.
We'll see.
Ok. Thanks for listening... It'll be a sad day when my blog refuses to post my entries.
But please, if there's a guide that you could send my way? You could put it under my pillow, in my mailbox, I'd even go to the top of Timp. The scriptures, I know, but I'm asking for something that is plain, concise... if you could. I mean, I know you've got other things to worry about...
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