Dance Inside

I did it!

I chased the guy-- the one in my dream... He was trying to kill me, as per usual, but then, I became a police officer? I don't know. I didn't change clothes or anything, but I knew I had the authority, and he knew I had the authority, and he tried to run away. I didn't catch him, but I was close. I had to wake up, or maybe I would have.

My classes are going to keep me busy, and I feel a lot of pressure to make sure that I keep up (and even ahead) of them. But I don't feel afraid. I don't feel afraid of my future or of who I am or what I'll become. That doesn't mean that I know the answers, but that I trust in my abilities. Not in the proud way-- I just feel like if I have the will power to stay sane and on this path after all of the other crap that has happened, my classes should be cake.

I made chicken with herbs de province and lavender for dinner and warm, homemade chocolate pudding for dessert. It was comfort food, though I didn't really need the comfort... It's hard to describe the things that I feel when I eat foods that me and my family make. Food is our way of showing love haha... good thing I run because I would definitely be a fatty if I didn't.

I argued politics. I'm a democrat, and not because I'm gay. It felt good. I like having enough confidence in myself to disagree, to speak up. I hadn't done that in a while.

What am I trying to get at? The equilibrium is returning. My world is stabilizing. What changed? My feelings for the guy. I don't understand when they changed. Actually, I do... My school, some restored feeling of self-worth. It eliminated the need for constant reassurance. I miss the connection, I miss him, but something is different.

Ok, I guess it's probably time to do some homework.

Wait! I forgot to tell the other part of my story. I was walking to school today, and I saw a kid that I've known for a little while. I'm relatively positive that he's gay. I would like to ask him about it, but that might be kinda offensive, you know? But he's a solid, good kid, so I'm just curious. But besides that, I kind of like being an island-- being away from the drama that I hear about through the grapevine (two guys that I still talk to... neither of which are here). That wasn't really a good story. Sorry. Ok, now I'm going to go do some homework because it is late and I really want 8 hours of sleep.