A Little Less Sixteen Candles

So much to do.

I don't really know why I felt the urge to blog. I guess I'm glad to have semi-reliable internet in my apartment... finally. I guess that this is where I come when I feel like I need to deal with the gay.

I have been really busy but really entertained in my classes. I feel like the things that I'm learning are applicable, are contributing to my future. It's nice. I like the people in my classes, too. I tend to forget that I'm competing with them because it doesn't feel like that.

And the people in my ward, my complex are great. I forgot that I could actually make friends. I forgot that I get shy around people that I don't know. I forgot what "awkward" felt like with new people. Usually, the only awkward moments I experience are ones when I say something inappropriate and/or offensive, but I can only filter for so long before something slips by, undetected.

I can feel a craving for the connection. I can't, though. I can't do it. I have to take a break, pull myself together, learn from this last time. I don't understand how I can fall so willingly, so quickly. It's dangerous, I know. But I can't have the connection. This is a really important year for me, and I need to do well. At best, I would be completely distracted and enamored. At worst, I'd be kicked out of school for going too far and then confessing or getting caught.

I can function without it. I miss it. I can make it, though.

Sometimes I feel like I have this so that I can spend more time in the service of others. I mean, I could study hard and become a doctor that saves lives, or I could build up a business... and sell it... and live on an island for a couple of years, and then found some great non-profit organization, feed starving children, give people glasses, things like that. But then I remember that I don't want to be alone, that I like feeling like I'm working for someone's benefit, someone that I love.

I found out that my cousin is dying of cancer. I remember her taking me swimming when I was five. I thought she was so funny. She is one of the few people that makes me reconsider taking my life at family gatherings with that side. And my other cousin got married to his boyfriend this past weekend.

And then there's me. The things that people think, the things that they would think if they knew... my parents found his number in the phone bill records. They thought that maybe it was my girlfriend. They added his number to friends and family. I told them it was a guy-- one of my friends. They still ask me about dating. I was going to tell them this summer, but I feel like telling them will make it final, will create a whole different set of expectations, add a wave of landmines to the winding, careful path. I'm having trouble enough with the path and trying not to blow myself up.

I stood on the side of the mountain the other day. I ate my nature valley bar and looked out over the valley-- just like in the commercial.

Ok. Back to homework. But you-- you always listen. Thanks.