I'm actually feeling burnt out which is not a good feeling. I have to make it through this semester and one more before I can unwind for a little bit. I think I'll be ok once I get the rest of my tests out of the way for this round. I can't believe that finals are coming up in less than 2 months. I guess it's about time. I'm kind of ready to be done, mostly because all I am doing right now is worrying about whether I get accepted to the programs I need to be accepted to and potentially having to replan my future.
I got a C on one of my tests. That was sad. And it isn't even curved. I mean, the class is supposed to be tough, but there is no rating for difficulty on your transcript where that grade shows up... so I just have to make sure that never happens again.
Meanwhile, I'm becoming less gay, and I don't know why. Somehow I'm becoming progressively more confused regarding my sexuality. I mean, I was pretty cut-and-dried gay three years ago, and even more so five years ago. I was even pretty sure until a couple of months ago. Now, I find that I really have no desire to hook up with a guy.
What the hell is wrong with me?!
I guess I can't complain because maybe this is a transition to something that is going to make me a lot happier in life, but I'm actually at a point where I don't feel like I even have the ability to choose what I want anymore. Well, I have the power to make the choice, but I don't have the help of my sexuality to determine it.
Yet at the same time, I know you're thinking of a dozen reasons why this is a benefit. I mean, I have the chance to make what I want with my life in that way. Maybe this is just a chance for me to develop a physical attraction to girls? I mean, if I find that I'm not really attracted to anyone, why not just call it a clean slate and start working toward a "straight" orientation? And then I feel like I'm a freak for not wanting to have sex with anyone... uh, that sounds weird, but you know what I mean.
So I guess I can't really think of myself as a gay mormon anymore... more like a (gay?) mormon...
ugh. Well, I can't really complain, but I hope that this period of limbo is short and that I can arrive at some kind of resolution.
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