Caraluna

I know this kid that is dealing with the same thing as me. We had been e-mailing back and forth for a while and decided to meet up in person. It was a lot of fun but a little bit awkward. I mean, there was this weird feeling kind of like a date, but neither of us were in it with those intentions. The nice thing was that I didn't feel completely insane-- there are actually other people like me out there, and I don't have to worry about any slip-ups or the way I act because I don't have anything to hide. It was a relief.

And suddenly I don't hear from him anymore... Yeah, I can take a hint...

So I'm back to square one.

Maybe it was a good thing, and I'm sure I will understand at some future time and place. I guess I was getting strangely attached to him, and maybe that was part of the reason. The thing is, I don't understand why it bothers me so much. No, I know why it bothers me-- it is the first time I've really gone out on a limb. It was the first time I ever dropped my guard. I guess I was hoping for a different response.

Thank goodness for my friends. They always seem to be right there without knowing that I really need them. I know they don't know that I'm gay, but they make me happy and seem fine with the person that I am, minus the "gay mormon" part. And I currently have As in all of my classes. So as much as it seems like this one aspect of my life is a horrible mess, maybe I need to shift my focus a little bit.

But that is easier said than done. That requires letting go of something I've clutched so obsessively for as long as I can remember. That requires changing the way that I define myself, the way that I see myself when I look in the mirror. This is something that has taken so much of my time and energy for so many years that I feel like this is what makes me who I am. As much as I don't like seeing myself the way that I do, I feel comfortable with it. To change would be to jump off of a cliff into pitch black, into something that I can't be sure will be better. However, if I don't do something to stop this emotional masochism, I might jump off of a real cliff. There's more to me, you know? More to me than the fact that I like guys. Changing the way I define myself won't make it go away, but it will allow me to focus on things that are more important to me.

We'll see how that goes.

"Caraluna" is the song that I'm listening to right now. Thank goodness for pandora.