Be My Escape

Wow.

I feel crappy. I shouldn't. I'm overreacting.

There are millions and millions of people in far crappier situations than mine, but I feel like my world is falling apart. I know-- it's overreacting. I wish I could find some way to chill out a little bit. At the same time, you really get the worst of it. I'm going to close my laptop after I finish this post and go running or hang out with some friends or something, and then my life will be better.

I know I've said this before, but my sexuality is not my defining characteristic. At the same time, it has been taking too much time and energy and has begun to define the rest of my character. Well, I've been making an effort to fix that.

I guess I just feel crappy if I'm not liked for-- 

Nevermind. I know that my life is going to be ok. I'm not entirely sure how it is going to be ok, or what "ok" is going to look like, but I know it will be.

We all have our obstacles, our challenges in life. It's our unfortunate blessing to have that kind of "resistance training" to shape us and mold us. At times, I really feel like bailing out, but there is always something holding me back. I don't understand why.

I mean, why did I fight so hard to become a member of the church? I knew I was gay. I knew what the church's views were regarding it, but I fought my way through way too much crap so that I could make the church a part of my life-- so that I could live the Gospel.

And what keeps me in it? I wish I could say it was the expectations of my parents or a fear of letting down someone. I wish I could say it was my devotion to the Gospel and its teachings. I wish I could say it was because of my enrollment here at school.

It sounds awful, but I don't think it is any of those.

I was sitting in church yesterday (and I really did make it through a long time since sacrament is the last meeting), and I was reflecting on how I feel about the Gospel. I can't imagine my life being better without it. So I guess that in that sense, it is keeping me in the church. But at the same time, I'm not fully-invested in it. I'm one of those "lukewarm" people that the Lord spews out of His mouth in Revelation.

Its a spiritual gyration.

It has to stop. I can't live my life on the fence. But I can't find what I'm looking for... and that sounds way too much like that U2 song. Until I do, I don't think I'll be able to let go of one or the other.