I was kind of craving blogging this past weekend. I was on vacation, and I don't have the desire to explain the whole "gay mormon blogging" endeavor that I have undertaken.
I was in San Francisco this past weekend. It was a very strange experience, but I'm pretty sure I found where I want to live once I graduate and take off for bigger and better things. It was really amazing there-- the weather was beautiful, the people were refreshingly liberal, and I had the overall feeling that there was more to life than working. I also loved the fact that no one seemed to care or judge. I spent the whole weekend walking around with my roommate, and I'm sure that we looked gay, but no one seemed phased.
I think the most hilarious part was when we ended up seeing "Wicked" on Valentine's day evening. At the time we were making these plans, it really didn't register. Anyway, we were just another "gay" couple in the crowd-- not even a big deal.
How can I explain? It just didn't seem like any of that was a big deal. It's not even the life I've necessarily chosen to live, but it seemed (as a continuation of my last post) that either way, no one was concerned. I love BYU for a lot of things, but there is a definite lack of liberalism and open-mindedness. It was nice to be in a place where I wasn't worried about who I was-- in that sense, at least.
So my master plan is to move out there, and I'm hoping that I can make that plan come to fruition. Thank goodness for the fact that my parents pay for my housing, so that takes some of the pressure off. I didn't decide that because I'm looking to live a gay lifestyle but because I'd like to be in a place where I can have an easier time coming to grips with myself and not feel like it is going to throw society into chaos and send mountains crashing down on me. Maybe then, I will be able to see clearly enough to know what will truly make me happy. Now, that may sound like I'm setting myself up to be gay, but I don't see it like that. It might be that I'm choosing not to see it like that, but I know for sure that I loved it out there and would be happy living there.
And "Wicked"-- what an amazing show. I got to see it once before, and it certainly wasn't in the least bit old a second time around. It was kind of funny how the theme lined up in some ways with my life. Do you live your life to be liked by other people? Do you live your life as you really are and potentially give up social status, friendship, acceptance? The answer is obvious but still difficult. The thing that gets me, though, is that in both cases, they knew they would be happy or at least had a really strong indication. I do have a dilemma, but the hang-up for me is the fact that I'm not sure which path will make me happy with myself. I do feel like that is the most important, but I'm not sure how to get there.
After the end of the first act, I was ready to drop out of the Y and transfer to UCSF. Oddly enough, we talked about apostatizing in church the next day :).
Regardless, a weekend of sunshine and warm can make life feel so much happier. It's definitely time for spring.
And as annoying as the Killers can be, this song is inspired.
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