The Dilemma

I'm not really the blogging type, but I couldn't pass up the chance to verbalize my thoughts while maintaing anonymity and a complete lack of accountability. Writing this down in a journal would take way too long, and the fear of one day having to explain it to someone would loom horrifyingly over me as long as the journal remained in existence.

If you find this, I can only hope my life can provide enough entertainment to compensate you for the time you spend reading this crap. But regardless, something tells me this blog is going to fulfill the purpose for which it was created.

Here's the deal: I'm gay. That wouldn't be such a huge problem if I weren't LDS and a returned missionary. But I am, and it is. Well, maybe it wouldn't even be such a huge problem if I knew what I wanted in life, but that is where the road forks, and that is where I have spent the past few years of my life. My mission president called it "spiritual gyrations"... an odd mental image. No, he wasn't referring to my undecidedness, but I drew an instant connection to myself as I was hearing it. I go back and forth on what I want in life. To be honest, if I knew I would be happy one way or the other, I would make the choice. If I believed in those magic 8-balls, I would ask one and then shake it... but even those don't always give me definite answers.

And here are my options:

1. Stay in the Gospel, maybe get married and have a family... maybe not... Would I be happy? I don't know. I can be reasonably sure that I would be happy with a wife and kids. The kicker is the possibility of being alone and celibate. I don't consider myself a hormone-driven, irrational kind of guy, but every part of my existence screams at that thought.

2. Be gay-- live the life. ... It's hard to explain. Would I be happy? I don't know. The thought of having sex with a guy seems pretty sick. I told you it is hard to explain. Don't get me wrong-- I like guys, and when I don't think about it, I could see myself being with a guy and perfectly happy about it. However, when I REALLY start to think about it, it seems kind of gross. There is the possibility of messing around with guys to check it out, but then the "LDS" thing comes into play where I really value my Church membership... and my enrollment in BYU. And I can already tell you now that I would feel an intense, intense amount of regret. Though I know it wouldn't be, the damage to me would seem irreparable.

So there you have it-- my dilemma. I try to keep it at no more than two options so that it can be a true dilemma, not an impostor.

The funny thing is that the rest of my life seems perfectly fine. I'm healthy, have good friends, don't have money problems, and I feel like my future is relatively promising. Those are things that would give me a pretty good reason to worry. Maybe I'm being dramatic. I try not to overreact to situations, but I guess that we don't always recognize the times when we're overreacting... or else we would only react at the optimal amount.

So there you have it. I feel like I've reached another milestone in my life with this blog. I don't know if I have enough interesting things to blog on a daily basis, but we'll see what happens. So as much fun as this was, there's a pile of homework calling out to me.