Thank goodness. There really is something to the "no sunlight" bit with not enough vitamin D and whatever the heck else it does.
I'm skipping class which gives me mixed emotions. On one hand, it is a religion class. On the other hand, it's a religion class. I mean, sometimes they can be "knock-your-socks-off" amazing and insightful, but as far as being detrimental to my grade, well, that's not a concern. I just had a lot to do today and then really felt too lazy to get up and walk to one class so that I could turn around and come home. So instead, I'm going to blog...
What happened yesterday? Well, I had a date with a girl (haha, I only go on man-dates in SF). I like her a lot. This sounds weird, but I actually feel like I have the beginnings of a physical attraction to her. That doesn't happen terribly often for me. I'm not really sure how to handle the whole situation, though, because if I'm going to date her, it needs to be serious because that is what she's wanting. However, I have this fear that we do date seriously, and the time comes where I'm not able to take it any further, you know? To be frank (really frank), if I find a girl that I'm emotionally attracted to and could have sex with, I'm just going to have to do anything and everything to marry her. But until then, I don't want to lead a girl on. Then again, how am I supposed to be able to develop a physical attraction if I never give it a chance.
This is one of those times where I'd like some actual input. But I like the fact that I can write this and not worry about people reading it. I mean, if you find it, congratulations; but I'm not going out of my way to get readers.
Either way, I have a lot of fun with her.
She asked me what makes me tick. I needed clarification. To preface this story, I don't really like talking about myself... um, outside of "blog-land," that is. Yeah, there's a certain amount of information that I'll share, but there isn't really any intimate information that I ever share with anyone. Having said that, she asked me what it is about me that makes me able to make a decision and stick with it regardless of whether or not I have the support or blessing of those around me. It was provoked, I imagine, by things she heard from someone else. Vague, I know, and it would be less confusing if I presented this in some other way, but trust me: it's saving us both the pain of a really, really long blog.
I don't know. What does make me tick? Why is it that I can fight with everything that I have, even when I'm in it alone? Because, to be honest, I really do crave support and validation. I really do like to hear someone say that they're proud of me or that I've done a good job. But when it comes down to it, it's not my motivation. What is? Why can I fight for something even when my parents tell me they're disappointed in me and the choice it is that I'm making? They have hardly ever done that in my life, by the way. Even still, I'm willing to fight for it. I guess in those occasions, I know that what I'm doing is the right thing. I think my motivation comes from somewhere else. And I also think that I allow myself very little slack. It isn't acceptable for me to excuse myself because I lacked some outside support. Still, there's something that makes me steadfast, driven. Whatever it is, it has helped me be ok with myself-- my gay mormon self-- and has helped me realize that I will be happy with whatever path I choose in this forked road.
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