I don't know if I can give credit to the blog, or if Provo is slipping Prozac into its water, but I feel so much better. Granted, this is only my fourth post, and I could just be in for a roller-coaster ride of contentment and a deep, dark, cold depression with this blog, but I can't help but feel better about myself and my outlook on life.
I was thinking today that I'm glad that I can put these thoughts down on paper... computer... uh, either way, I can verbalize these thoughts and then stop worrying about them. I think I also feel better knowing that I'm perfectly ok with whatever path I choose in life. The easier one (in a lot of ways, but you could argue against it) is obviously to live a "straight" life, but I will be ok with myself if that isn't how my life turns out.
I suppose I should probably warn you that I had pretty intense ADD growing up and still have problems with it at times, so if my thoughts seem incoherent, they very well may be.
I played trumpet when I was younger. And because this is an anonymous blog, I can tell you that I was good. I started in 5th grade and stopped when I graduated, and there was only one time (in 8th grade, and it wasn't even an important audition) that I didn't win whatever it was that I was competing in: All-State, Solo contests, whatever auditions. But the thing was that I was a hardcore perfectionist. I only felt happy with myself if I played everything perfectly, and with something as subjective as music, "perfect" doesn't really exist. I wanted to go to Juilliard or Curtis and had a legitimate chance of making it. My teacher had sent students to both and said that I was the best that he had worked with, and I was the top in my state. Ok, now I'm going to stop jactandome and bring it home. The thing is that I actually hated myself because I couldn't be perfect at it. I would practice and practice and be still so angry at myself for making a mistake.
So I stopped. I dropped all of my auditions and applied to BYU. I put my trumpet away after a few months and didn't pull it out again. Finally, after 2 1/2 years, I pulled it out again and started playing, and I love it. The question is, what changed?
I'm not a perfectionist.
I'm perfectly happy with the fact that I just can't do everything perfectly in my life and that, oddly enough, I'm a lot more successful when I'm not worried about being perfect. And I think that I've been having trouble taking that mentality and applying it throughout my logic. It has bothered me for so long that I'm gay because I want to be able to live the "perfect" mormon life-- one for which people can be proud of me. And it made me hate myself because perfection in life is impossible... literally impossible, so I could never achieve it. I'm becoming increasingly ok with the fact that I'm going to make mistakes and realizing that the standards to which I was holding myself were so high that all I could feel was despair when I failed to achieve them. That despair fueled this mentality that made me make worse choices.
But a really weird set of current circumstances has helped me reevaluate my life. Now, I'm content with trying my best and not letting it eat me up inside if I fall short. I have more realistic expectations for myself, and I feel happier about it. I've even been exceeding those expectations. It's just like my trumpet-- to be honest, I think I'm actually better now (and this is after 2 1/2 years of not playing) than I was at my height before quitting.
I've decided that no matter how my life turns out (concerning my sexuality), I'm going to be happy with myself. Gay or straight, I'm going to live a good life.
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