"Just the makeout in ____, why?"
"Oh. You're a good guy."
"Why?"
"Haha. Just take the compliment. I'd've just felt kinda crappy about it."
"No, I meant why'd you wanna know?"
"I'd rather know and feel crappy than not know and not be sure what to think."
"I just want to be close to being done when I move into my new ward in ____."
"That makes sense. I like you. I know I shouldn't, but I do. But yeah, that makes sense."
"I like you, too..."
Sometimes I amaze myself at the crap that I put me (and other people) through. I mean, are you reading this? I'm so awkward. But I had to know. I was staring at my phone and wondering, trying to decide whether or not to send the text. I figured I was at a point where I could've let go and dealt with things from there. I just had to know.
And my day was better. It was a lot better. Is it supposed to be this way? Am I supposed to be filled with this intense sense of relief? I mean, my energy and emotions haven't been used and experienced in vain... though they never could be, in some ways. It was just nice to know that this is mutual. It was nice to know that I'm not the only one that feels a level of commitment to him-- a weird, gay-and-I-know-it-should-feel-wrong-but-I'm-happy-and-really-like-him-and-for-once-feel-happy-with-someone kinda way.
And all of this crap that I've been putting myself through. Why am I so dramatic? Granted, you really get the worst of it. It's just this big mess of figuring things out. He's trying to do it, too. We talked about it, once. "We both know we'll be happier in the church," he said. "This wouldn't be so hard if I didn't like you so much," he said. Yeah, he's right. Deep down, I know he's right. But it kills me. It really does. It kills me to think that maybe if I fought a little harder or a little longer, I could get over this. I could get married and "live the dream," so to speak.
But it's overshadowed. Did I ever tell you it is actually grammatically acceptable to begin sentences with coordinating conjunctions? It is done only when you want to add emphasis. I just think it's odd how often I manage to do it. Adding too much emphasis de-emphasizes everything. It's overshadowed (see preceding paragraph) by these feelings I have from knowing that someone cares about me. It feels amazing, and I think that's why I'm able to feel ok about giving up that "dream." But is this something that would be permanent?
I can't. I know I can't. I can't keep fighting it. I'm not strong enough. For once, I felt like I didn't have to hide or try to be something else. For better or worse, this retarded obstacle has become a part of me. I know I've said it isn't the sole defining characteristic, but it adds to me... or takes away... either way, it makes up a part of me. I've started to realize that I can't function in spite of it.
Ugh. Once again, I can literally feel my brain short-circuiting. Too much thinking.
I was gonna drop him off after lunch. I really liked him. He treated me differently. He made me comfortable. We got back to his apartment, and he invited me in. We sat and talked for a bit. His roommates came home, so we went to his room and kept talking. He moved in close and folded my coat collar back. I told him that wasn't how it was supposed to go, and he moved it back. I was so awkward... it was the first time I had been in a situation like this with a guy. He hugged me. He held me. I wasn't sure how to deal with what I was feeling. I wasn't sure what I was feeling. I felt great.
I still feel great. I wish I knew what to do about it. I think I know. No one ever told me life would require so many decisions.
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