It is never a good idea to blog when you're very frustrated, and it's late at night... you just end up sounding crazy. But I'll leave it. In the extremely unlikely case that you stumble across my blog and know who I am... well, I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. I picture awkward laughs, and then I'd employ some kind of emergency escape tactic to get out of the situation. From that point on, I'd wave nervously at you from a distance. What was I talking about?
Oh yeah, I'll keep the post. But I'm not mad. I was, kind of... until I realized it was kind of retarded to be mad. Yeah, I can be mad that things didn't work out ideally, but I went into it understanding that there was (and I quote) "an expiration date." On top of that, the guy needs alone time a lot. I can actually understand that one, too. So as much as I may want things to be different, it'll be ok.
I have the most hilarious niece in the world. She is the only grandchild on this side of the family which means she is spoiled. But it's hard because she's legitimately cute-- not like those ugly kids where they try to be cute, but it is kind of gross, you know? Anyway, I just think it's funny that I can't say "no" to her. Well, I can if I get my game face on, but if she catches me off guard, I just say "yes." Yes, I'll play with you. Yes, you can have more cookie dough. Yes, I'll get you some chocolate milk. Yes, we can go outside and swing. How am I ever going to handle being a parent? It's especially hard because she's just barely learning to say my name, so I hear "Uncle ___? garble garble garble chocolate milk?" If you can say no to that, you must be dead inside.
The freaking heat and humidity is also causing flashbacks of my mission. Thank goodness I don't actually have to go outside in it unless I'm going to the lake or getting in an air-conditioned car. How did I ever do it in a shirt and tie while riding a bike? There were weeks and weeks where it was well over 100 during the day with plenty of humidity. I remember a point in time where I considered anything below 70 to be way cold.
There was this one time where it was raining a ton. My comp (who was the senior comp) and I got home from church, ate lunch, and looked over our plans for the day. It was raining, and we had planned to tract. I'm stubborn. So was he. He wanted to go squat at the bishop's house. We argued. I told him we'd get blessed with someone to teach if we went and knocked doors like we had planned... he was mad but agreed to go. We tracted for five hours in the rain. Not a single person let us in or showed even the slightest interest in having us come back to teach them. My socks were wet. It was cold.
It's funny how I like things to be methodical and predictable, yet no matter how hard I try, my life turns out so unexpectedly. If I join the church and stay faithful, I'll be cured. If I tract in the rain for five hours like I promised the Lord, He'll bless me with people to teach.
I feel like I can look back and appreciate it, now. At the time, I was crushed. How could it turn out like that? I really felt like we were going to find someone. I really felt like this obstacle would go away. It has, kind of. It has in a way that I wasn't expecting. I'm ok with it. I'm ok with the fact that this is something I have to deal with. I don't know how it'll end or what path I'll ultimately choose, but I don't have to beat myself up for it. My life isn't going to go according to procedure, I guess.
We ended up back on one of those streets a week or so later. I can't remember how we ran into them, but this young couple literally begged us to come in and teach them. They apologized for turning us away that Sunday. He had even gotten his coat and keys and was going to come get us, but his wife had just had surgery, and he didn't want to leave her alone.
Methodical? Procedural? You see? I keep getting mixed signals. I'm not learning the big lesson. Or maybe I did, and I don't want to admit it. It means admitting I'm weak. It means letting the realization hurt.
Is quoting poetry gay? I think it is...
"As lightning to the children eased
With explanation kind,
The truth must dazzle gradually
Or every man be blind"
Emily Dickinson wrote it. I don't read poetry, but my sister loves Emily Dickinson. I only heard that poem once, but I haven't forgotten it. I think she's right. I think that's what's happening to me... my life is coming into focus in a weird, gradual way. I'm confused, if you haven't noticed... This post was too long.
I miss him.
I miss what he used to be.
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