I just keep telling myself that if I can get my craziness out onto this, I can be sane in real life.
We hung out yesterday-- it was the last time I'd see him before he moves. The realistic part of me knows that I probably won't see him anymore at all. The desperate part hopes I'm wrong. I know it is probably for the best, but it's hard to believe. It was hard to say goodbye... not so much in the moment, but I'm finally starting to grasp the finality of it.
But the story gets better.
The girl calls me up in the evening and wants to see me before she moves away (permanently). And then I saw her today just for a little bit. I stood there in her back yard and tried to look her in the eye and explain why I'm not in any position to have any kind of a relationship-- especially a long-distance one. Part of me wants to explore and see what it's like, but I can't do it with her. I was looking her in the eye and hating the fact that the only thing keeping us from having a fulfilling relationship is the fact that I was on my bed, making out with a guy two hours earlier and realizing how much I was going to miss him (and for more than making out). I want to have something more than a platonic attraction to girls, but I don't know how to fix that. I tried to ignore it. Maybe I didn't try hard enough.
But honestly, there was something really fulfilling about being with that guy. And I can't decide whether I wish I could still have it or that it never happened. I'm not bitter about it. In fact, I'm exactly the opposite, and that's why I kind of feel like I wish it never happened. Now, I have to find a way to go on and pretend like it wasn't amazing, like I didn't love it, like I didn't love him. I don't know if I can do that. I don't want to do that.
What I want is currently irrelevant because all options have packed their bags and left the state. So I stay here and stare at my homework, wondering what is going to happen with my life. I can't cut the Church out of my life, though that would make things so much easier. But I can't have the church in my life to the extent that I'd like without cutting the "gay" out of my life... but apparently that is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm going to do 15 miles tomorrow... maybe out of frustration. But at least all I focus on at the time is not stepping in holes, on loose rocks, on snakes. For at least a couple of hours, I can forget about the fact that I am torn in a lot of different ways.
I cried last night. It was my third time in more than three years. It was more frustration than anything. I hate that I can't decide what I want. I hate that I feel like I can't be completely happy with either path. I hate that it's like a freakin broken record. This is what it always comes back to. I was trying to find out what I wanted. I guess that trying to play for both teams wasn't helping too much.
I'd like to put my "ssa" on the shelf for a little while. I'm going home in 2 weeks and a few hours. I'll be able to do it then. There is absolutely no chance of finding and hooking up with a guy out there... mostly because I don't have any connections whatsoever to that scene. And I'm convinced that I'd get an STD and die if I ever tried anything. I guess acting on it is only half of the problem, though. Being around my family takes my mind off of that stuff and helps me get a little more grounded.
I miss him a lot. I wish I didn't.
My life is going to be ok. I'm sure it is. I'm just not exactly sure how or when.
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