I couldn't handle myself for one day? It felt good-- having him back felt good. But apparently I have no self-control. On my bed. For that moment, I felt so happy. Even afterwards. We hung out for the entire day... I picked him up from the airport, we went to get something to eat, headed back to my apartment-- that was the problem. But afterwards, we went out. I still felt happy. Then, I dropped him off. Then, it sunk in. What have I done? What am I doing?
I'm in love. I shouldn't be. I can't be. Not with him. This isn't what he wants. I don't even know if this is what I want. I felt so good. It didn't last. Well, it did. But the guilt started creeping in-- knowing this isn't what I'm supposed to be but not being able to change it. I'm not strong enough to change it. Not now, at least.
We were lying there. It felt like everything would be alright.
Why did I have to fall for him? I was done for after that first date... didn't even think it was a date at the time, but after the fact, I felt so completely-- I don't know how to describe it. And then he left for a week, but we called every day. I couldn't wait until he got back. I sat and stared at this really, really important test that I had to take, and I kept smiling... kept daydreaming. The test was timed, and I barely finished it because I spent so much time thinking about him. I was going to kiss him. I had made up my mind. He came back, we kissed... a lot. It's been a really strange relationship. I'm really not sure what to classify it as, but the gay half of me feels really great. The other half knows this isn't getting me nearer to what it wants.
Which half am I?
No comments:
Post a Comment