You Know How I Do

I sat down to blog last night. He called. I sat down, again. He called, again. I gave it another try this morning, and he called, again.

Yup, still head over heels. Being in love is confusing.

And all of my blogging steam completely dissipated after talking to him that much. I don't understand what he thinks about me, what he thinks about us. At first, I chalked it up to a very confusing friendship, then a relationship, then a friendship, all dotted with random points in time where I was pretty sure he had no interest (platonic or otherwise) in me. Not really stability at all, is it? Maybe the fact that I value stability so much has blinded me to the stability that does exist in my life. I come home, and my family is here and unchanged-- in a good way. They aren't static or anything, it's just that I don't come back and find that they are completely different people.

And then there's this one guy that I've completely fallen for, and I can't read him. I can't understand what he thinks or place myself in some kind of category in his life. I tend to expect the worst but hope that I'm wrong until I receive some kind of definitive answer. He made out with that other guy. I thought that was pretty definitive-- I was something, and then I got replaced. But then he calls, and things are back to normal, but I have those thoughts still in the back of my mind.

It'd be easy if I weren't in love. It'd be easy just not to care, but I do. I'm trying to be more passive. I guess I need to hold on to the stable parts of my life while this one aspect continues to morph, shift, change. He needs to figure things out, and I can't expedite or resolve that stuff for him. So I'll play it by ear, I guess... reminds me of the suzuki kids in symphony-- lots of them couldn't sight-read music to save their life. Once they went home and listened to it, they were good to go. But I digress

I'm playing it by ear. I can't change the fact that I really care about this guy, and I can't change the fact that he's trying to figure out what he wants in his life, so I'll just take the passenger seat for now and hold on to the parts of my life that are stable.

It's strange. It's fascinating and beautiful in a really, really frustrating way. I love that everyone seems to think that my life is so well put together. My parents talk to me about problems that they're having, problems my siblings are having. They ask for advice and help. My siblings do the same. Would it be the same if they knew everything about me? 

I hope he calls.

I hope he shows up on my doorstep.

Hey, I can hope, right?

Strange. Amazing.