So, amazing (and confusing) day on Friday, he leaves Saturday, then I have to start studying for finals to take during the next week. Jump to Tuesday. I'm sitting there with a kid from one of my classes, and we are trying to study for the final, which I was planning to take the next morning. The guy texts me. "I did something that I'm not proud of," he texts.
"What was it?" I asked.
"I called up a guy I used to know here, and we made out."
I kinda started at my phone for a bit, then at my computer... "I don't know what to say to that," I told him.
"I don't either. I just get these stupid urges that I don't say 'no' to," he wrote back.
I felt like shit. I hate cussing, but it's the truth-- I did. I suddenly did not care about my finals, All I could think about was how ridiculously crappy I felt. I've been replaced. He mentioned the kid once before-- way hot, close by (relatively speaking). I can't compete with that. I just kept staring and wondering what the hell I had gotten myself into.
The really reasonable part of me understood that he wasn't in this for any kind of long-term relationship. We had never had any kind of dtr, we never started with the intention of dating or anything; we were just looking for some friendly support dealing with the crappiest situation ever.
The unreasonable part of me felt betrayed, used. I wanted to cry or something... but I don't cry (not 'cuz I think its gay... although that really isn't a concern of mine... I just don't). I couldn't focus. All I could think about was how I was replaced, and there was nothing I could do about it. I could be angry at myself for getting too emotionally invested in this. I did, in fact, get angry at myself. I was in love with this kid. Whether I should have been or not is irrelevant. I was. I am. And I came to the painful realization that it really was just something physical for him. It didn't seem that way at first, but I guess I kind of knew it for the past month or so. But I love him. I hate it so much. I hate that I can't be mad. I hate that I can't compartmentalize myself-- just enclose this crappy feeling and function in spite of it. I have to deal with this, and I'm not sure exactly how to go about that.
I had to go home. Instead of leaving Thursday, I woke up the next morning, crammed for my finals, emptied my apartment and packed up my stuff, finished my finals, and drove home. It was empowering just to pick up and leave. I just figured everything would be better when I got home. The drive sucked... 18 hours of torture. My family is pretty hardcore when it comes to road-tripping, so I only slept for two hours during the trip. And actually, it was kind of nice for most of the trip. I had a chance to think. I didn't even have the music on for the first six hours. I just thought. I was getting suicidal the last four hours of the trip, but that's to be expected.
I got home. Everything was better. I love my family, and I know they love me, and that feeling is priceless for me. It really is.
I talked to the guy a little bit. We've just texted. We haven't talked anymore about his rendezvous with this other kid. I don't know what to think. It made all of these crappy feelings about myself come flooding back. He's so far away, and I know that nothing can happen anymore between us, but I just wasn't ready for him to move so fast. I hate caring so much.
But I'm home, and everything does seem better. I'm surrounded by people that are ok with the person that I am. They don't know I'm gay, but that wouldn't bother them, either.
I can't remember what I was doing the other night when I got home, but I was overwhelmed by this feeling that everything is going to be alright. I know it is.
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