No Ha Parado de Llover

I'm feeling a lot better-- not great, but better. I've been so ridiculously busy with my classes that I haven't even had time to wallow... and I guess, in a way, it's helped prove to me that life goes on.

I've been thinking about the things that I'm going to try to do differently now.

I'm going to try not to be so available. I stopped my world for him-- seriously. Skipped classes, cancelled plans, answered the 2 a.m. calls, bailed him out big time (long story that I really shouldn't tell... a first, right?). I don't regret having done some of that stuff, but all of it? Yeah. Why did I do that? And then, suddenly, I establish myself as submissive or spineless or dependent or something... I'm not that way. I guess that I was caught so off my guard that I was defenseless. He told me things I wasn't expecting to hear.

I need to have a life that is separate from them. I guess that comes with the "not being so available" thing. Yes, it has the chance to be really fulfilling and great, but that doesn't mean that I can suddenly neglect all of the other things that give meaning to my life. I was way too dependent. I was way too desperate to have that void filled, so nothing else seemed to matter. I'm gradually realizing that it left me in kind of a crappy position. Thank goodness it isn't too far off from the time I'll be leaving here to go home, but still...

I need to be ok with the person that I am. I can't expect to find someone that likes me for me if I don't act like myself around them. I was looking for validation or something, and I found it, but it really isn't validation if those sentiments didn't exist independently within me. 

I'm not bitter-- for real. I'm not mad. I still like him a lot. I still miss him a lot. I guess I just want to change and somehow do a better job of this next time around... if there is one? 

 I never asked for anything in return. Should I have? Am I really crappy at maintaining relationships? Do I suck at dating? haha. I have no idea. Maybe I can find someone else who's equally as bad, but then maybe nothing would ever come to fruition. 

Well, I've got the whole summer to do some self-evaluation, I guess. 

Ahora, ha parado de llover el corazon. Todavia me duele, pero asi es la vida... tengo paz, por lo menos, y eso me basta.