Konstantine

My life is apparently going to keep gyrating.

My head is spinning, and not in the good way.

The girl and I drove up to slc to hang out. We hashed out where we stand right now. I didn't tell her the little part where I'm not entirely sure about my sexuality. She leaves on Wednesday. It just kind of blindsided me. It was also the first time in a little while that I've had physical contact with a girl. I know she wants a long-distance relationship, but I don't really want that because I don't know if it would work out. I don't know if a short-distance relationship would work.

I can actually feel me getting mad at myself. This is retarded. I can't make up my mind about what I want, and all I end up doing is hurting other people. I can't date her without committing to it-- without feeling like that is what I want for real. I couldn't go into it not being 100 percent invested. But the question is whether or not it is something that happens over time. I guess it takes an initial desire, and I need to be invested in that regard. Everything else probably follows along with that. But I've started the ball rolling. Either I keep going with it or stop and explain to her what the situation is.

I kind of want to talk to her about it, but I'm not sure how that would go. I don't know what to expect or how she'd react or if it would be ok or awful or ruin a lot of really important relationships. She would be the first person I actually know that knows about what I'm dealing with. She deserves something, I guess. She deserves to know.

Yeah, she deserves to know.