How to Save a Life

Sunday. The day, more than any other day of the week, where I realize that I'm trying to reconcile what seems to be an irreconcilable dichotomy in my life.

I went to church, of course. I was actually thinking about skipping, but I couldn't shake the feeling that I really needed to go. There wasn't anything specific that jumped out at me or slapped me or induced some kind of epiphany, but I realized how good the church is and how much I want it to be a part of my life. And I can almost feel the threads that hold together my natural and spiritual man (so to speak) literally splitting. 

I was driving back home, and I was just kind of talking to God... sounds crazy, but deal with it. I realized that maybe this whole being suddenly ignored by those couple of guys I was e-mailing is a blessing in disguise. I mean, yeah, it still sucks, but I'm sure I'll see some good come out of it. If things had worked out (whatever that means), it would be almost a guarantee that I'd end up leaving the church... though the spiritual leaving would take place before the physical leaving. And as I was sitting at dinner tonight with some friends, I was thinking how the Gospel really is that lasting, permanent, stable, consistent (and many other synonyms) foundation. It can undoubtedly give me what I crave in my life. Like I've said before, my sexuality is so amebic that I can't use it to define myself... this is the second time I've used the word "amebic." It's the adjective form of "amoeba," in case you were wondering. I think my sexuality is a product of what I lacked and, consequentially, what I crave in life. I've been realizing that it is more flexible than I thought. The problem, then, is putting the work into it to find a girl, marry her, start a family. It's the harder road for me since it is based solely on my personal desire-- no expectations, no attachment to the Gospel for duty's sake, which is kind of a hard thing to admit. It's just me. I don't feel like I was made gay or straight or any particular way regarding my sexual preference... and I don't feel obligated to live one way or the other. I just want to live in the way that's going to provide me with stability and happiness.

So that's that.