We messed around... again... didn't help that I had no roommate around for the day.
I was sitting at church today and reflecting on what I wanted in my life. Yeah, I know I've been doing that most of my blog, but I've been so distracted here of late that it hasn't been something I have been considering.
The stupid thing is that the things that I want in my life aren't reflected in the decisions I make... or maybe I don't understand what I want. Well, I kind of do understand. I have noticed that I really don't have any confidence in myself-- I don't really see what it is about me that gives me worth, you know? And it sounds lame, but I'm being serious. I guess it goes in cycles, though. At times, I feel great about myself; and then, suddenly, I feel like crap. Is that weird?
So yeah, maybe these decisions have been my attempt at establishing some kind of self-worth or feeling acceptance or satisfying some kind of craving for masculine relationships in my life. Anyway, I guess I can see how those desires influence my decisions. It isn't wrong, either... or I should say that I don't feel bad about it. Whether or not I should is a question that I'm not concerned about-- I do realize, though, that I have those desires that transcend sexuality, and they need to be addressed and fulfilled either platonically or sexually. Until they are fulfilled, I won't be happy. Judging by my choices, those desires take precedence over my desires for a Gospel-centered life? Or maybe I'm not able to prioritize... which I guess would explain the gyrations that I'm experiencing. Those interests are constantly colliding in my life which causes the turmoil that I'm feeling. To bring peace to my life, I either have to let go of one set of wants or live my life in a way that I can embrace them both.
So I was making out with this guy the other day, and I suddenly realized that I didn't really want to be there... in that situation. I guess that's what's been making me think. I'm not necessarily gay even though I do gay things-- those are just the physical manifestations/attempts to satisfy some deeper need. I didn't have that attraction to guys physically for an amazing year because the needs that I had were being fulfilled.
What does it mean? How can I digest it?
I can't live a gay life. It wouldn't rack me with guilt or torment or a feeling that my life and my future were damned or dampened or somehow diminished... and I felt bad admitting that to myself, but it is the truth. However, it won't make me happy. It won't leave me fulfilled. The underlying desire will be fulfilled in whatever way, and then I'll find myself in a relationship in which I don't have an attraction to the guy or a reason to want to be romantically connected with him. So I can continue to fulfill that need sexually for now, but it won't be lasting. My quest, then, should be a platonic fulfillment-- in a way that would allow me to embrace everything that is important to me. I mean, it's my life, so why should I do anything but the things that are going to make me happy?
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