I need to do some homework, too, before I go to bed, so I have no idea why I am on here... guess I had the need to write and get some of my thoughts out of my head and put them on paper... uh, computer...
So I was running with this girl today, and she was giving me crap while I was running. It was almost to the point of yelling, and I didn't exactly know where it was coming from. I just kind of brushed it off and tried to be patient and nice.
Why do I do that? I thought I was done with the emotional masochism, so why do I allow myself to be in a situation like that-- one that makes me feel bad about myself? I guess it goes back to when I was growing up. It worked out a lot better for me to avoid confrontation. Then, one day, I kind of snapped and became ultra-confrontational and a pretty big dick. The Gospel tempered that, and I moved more toward the "turn the other cheek" kind of philosophy. I can't keep it up, though. It really wears on me. I can apologize to that guy like it is my fault that we got ourselves into that trouble, but the truth is that it is only partially my fault. It wasn't me that was wrestling clothes off of him-- it wasn't him trying to hold things back.
And I can try to play it off like the girl was justified in being frustrated with me, but it was completely misdirected and uncalled for.
I've tried to talk to him a little bit since our last mess-up on Friday, but he hasn't really said much back. I haven't really put forth a huge effort, though, to make it work. I was never the kind of person that spent every waking moment pining for someone-- completely incapacitated and helpless. In fact, there was a point in my life when I was independent to the point that I avoided any kind of connection with a person. It was the opposite end of the spectrum, but the unhappiness that I felt at that point was to a smaller extent than what I felt at the other end. Needless to say, I tried to work things out or whatever with the guy, but I can't come crawling back. And I can't (and didn't, in fact) play it off like the way that girl treated me was no big deal. I can't continue to live my life like this...
Haha-- seems like I find myself saying that a lot. I can't be the submissive, kind, mild-tempered LDS kid anymore because all it does is make me everyone's punching bag. And the second they see that they can treat me like that, it continues, and I find myself progressively more unhappy. I have obviously not found the balance in my life, so it is time to start shifting back to the asshole end.
I also don't know what is making me feel more aggressive? I do enough running to produce endorphins for me and three other people... so I should be happier, right? I don't feel so stressed, and that is an amazing feeling.
Well, anyway, I guess all of this means I need to be a little more of an asshole to people when they deserve it and a little less willing to accept misplaced fault and frustration. Guess I'll keep you posted on how it goes...
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