Mission Flashback

Three weeks. He's leaving in three weeks. I can't decide what drives me crazier: the fact that he's leaving, or the fact that it's killing me that he's leaving. How am I supposed to deal with this? Part of me realizes that this isn't something that can be permanent, lasting. And that stability is what I crave most in my life. And an irrational part of me thinks that it could be stable and lasting if that's what he wanted. But I can't ask that of him or anyone else in our situation. So I'm stuck wondering if I should just try to ignore the fact that I've been happier now than I've been in a long time. 

I can't ignore it. I can't pretend like it hasn't changed me. At this point, I wonder why I ever let someone get that close to me. Whether it is my enabling them or their inherent ability, they manage to reach into my soul and rearrange, take away, add, disorganize or whatever it is they do. I remember, now, why I don't let it happen- why I didn't let it happen. But here I am, again, trying to sort out the pieces. Legitimately in love-- I guess that's what I am. As freaking gay as that sounds, that's what I am. I can't be, though. I shouldn't be. 

I knocked on this random lady's door in my mission. I don't remember anything that she told me except one thing, and I remember that one thing verbatim: "Life is strange, but it is so beautiful." It's true. The moment she said it, everything I had ever been taught to listen to pointed to its truth. I'm stuck in this situation, unable to deny the fact that I have actually felt these feelings, and that these feelings have come from a relationship with another guy. The question can no longer be whether or not they exist but what I should do with them. What should I do with them? But it isn't like it matters for the immediate future. He's leaving. It hurts.

How is it that pain can shape us so efficiently, cruelly? On one hand, it requires me to see the world in different terms, to recognize the beauty in it in spite of (and even because of) less-than-perfect circumstances. On the other hand, it makes me even more guarded. I find myself afraid of what will happen if I get close to someone else. I know that he doesn't feel the same way. He did, I think. But he doesn't. 

"I think it's brave to try to be happy." It's a quote from my favorite show. It's true. I'm not that brave. Maybe it's something I should work on. 

The life of a gay mormon: it is strange, but I can't help but feel that it really is beautiful.