We talked yesterday. "I need to stop once I move to___," he said, again. I can relate. Provo was supposed to be that to me. It was for the first year. I still struggled with it, I knew it was there, it wasn't going away, but I felt like being in a new place somehow gave me power to make other things different in my life. So I understand. We tried to figure out a way to see each other before he moves, but neither of us can leave home, and maybe it's for the best. Knowing it'd be the last time, we'd take it too far.
I think it's enough to know that he likes me and that all of this weirdness that I've been noticing has been part of his trying to figure things out for himself. I can't be mad about that. I remember recognizing how much my attempts to figure out my life seemed to interfere with others' lives. It's not me.
It bothered me so much because I really believed that he cared about me at first, and I felt like things were changing. I attributed it to something I did or something that was wrong with me, and it was hard just because this was a first, and I felt like I screwed things up. He's trying. He's fighting it. And I respect it; I envy it. Why can't I fight it like I used to? Because I remember what it felt like, and I now know what this feels like... this feels a lot better than the long, frustrating fight. But I'm getting ahead of myself. No permanent (or at least intentionally permanent) decisions until I graduate.
I just feel at peace with myself, again.
I cut a tree down today. Nothing makes me feel more manly than using a chain saw. Playing sports might... if I played them...
Well, I'm going with my mom to my grandpa's for the 4th... that means spending the weekend away from the internet. It made me kind of uncomfortable at first, until I realized that I can probably cope with life for a few days without being able to jump on the internet every time I need it. It'll be an adventure.
I used to hate going up to the farm. It meant work. I was six, and I had to go with my mom and older siblings to walk beans. "Walking beans" is where you walk up and down endless rows of beans and hoe out the weeds. "I got you guys a treat for when you finish," my mom told us. It was so hot and humid. I hated it. Halfway down the row, I started losing it. I went back to the truck to get some water. There were some boxes of raisins inside. "What are these?" I yelled to my mom. "Those are for when we finish," she yelled back. I couldn't believe it. These were the "treats" she got?! I started screaming and crying. She sent me back to the farmhouse. I never walked beans again. Haha, that's the end of my story.
It's weird. I can't be mad at him. I can only understand. I don't know what to feel. I don't feel hurt or mad. I just understand that this is what it is going to be. No expiration date prepared me or kept me from getting attached. It was the first time in my life that I genuinely liked someone who liked me back. Ugh, that sounds like something a fifth-grader would say. I was thinking about it, though, and I never had an actual physical and emotional attraction to the girls I dated, and the guys that I fell for were few, far-between, and straight. This was the first time in my life that I experienced anything like this. I went into it knowing that it was something that couldn't last, but it's impossible not to get invested.
So, buddy, I love you. As gay and retarded as it may sound, I do. It was unexpected. I didn't know how I'd react in this situation because I've never been in one before. I didn't think I could ever feel this way because I had never felt it with anyone else. But if I really do love you, I'll do everything I can to make you happy-- truly happy. While you aren't being cut out of my life, I know I can't fight to keep things the way they are. For you to be happy, we can't be more than friends. For you to be happy, you've got to give this a good fight. I'll miss the way things used to be, but I understand.
Just a side note: If you fight the fight and find out it's not for you, we'll work something out. haha. I mean, hey, this "head-over-heels" thing takes a while to shut down, I think. And I'm pretty sure I'll feel this way about you for a long, long time.
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