First of all, it is settled: I cannot stay longer than a day at my grandpa's without going crazy. It is so messy and cluttered there. I went up early with my mom so that we could help clean, and we also planned to paint one of the bedrooms... if you only knew how big of a task that was.
My grandma was a really, really smart lady. Like really smart. She also suffered from depression and hated living on the farm. She grew up in a pretty well-to-do family until her dad decided to go crazy, sell their house and property, and go raise sheep up in Idaho. Her mom divorced her dad and raised my grandma and her siblings by herself. They were really poor. My grandma served a mission in Louisiana. She met my grandpa when he was stationed at Hill base; they got married and moved back to the midwest to live on the farm. They were really, really poor for most of their lives, so my grandma held onto everything. Her dementia started setting in when I was little. I remember how it seemed like she thought so clearly sometimes and then seemed completely incoherent at other times. She tried to fight it, too. A few years back, I found some journals that she was keeping as the dementia was starting to take its toll. She was trying to hold on. She died while I was on my mission. I felt bad. I felt bad for not learning what I could from her, for not being more sensitive to her situation. I wonder if she knows what's going on in my life right now... I wonder what she thinks about it...
To make a long story short (too late...), the house is really cluttered, and it drives me crazy. I realize that I grew up in different times, and my parents have always had enough money, so I'm not as attached to stuff, but my grandparents have the mentality to save everything they can. I tried to imagine what they thought about as they received and kept some of that stuff. Part of the trip was nostalgic-- remembering the things we used to do as kids: climbing trees, feeding the kitties in the hay loft, watching grandpa feed the pigs, driving the tractors, games we played. But it got a little too noisy with the family, and I needed some quiet time. My sister and I came back last night. We got back home in time to climb up on the roof and see the last half of the fireworks show. It was her birthday today, and we celebrated it with my dad which meant going to his church...
A weird experience. I'll never forget arguing with his pastor... defending doctrines I was just learning, defending a faith I didn't fully understand but believed was true. "I believe that two intelligent people can disagree on points of doctrine," he finally told me. We had argued for two hours. My dad sat there and watched-- it was part of the deal I made to get baptized. I don't know how I managed to hold my own. I don't know how I managed to shut him up.
I was sitting there, though, and feeling that familiar tearing feeling where I think my spiritual and natural selves are going to physically separate.
I thought. I asked Him questions... I told Him I realized that I didn't have great feelings about the place I was in but needed some answers. What do I do now? I know that fighting it is the right thing to do. It may not be the right thing for everyone, but I feel like I still have more to give in the fight. But I'm nervous that I'm just scarring and bruising myself and spending too much of my life trying to fight something that's inevitable. I also felt like I kind of alienated myself from groups of people because I'm gay. I never used to do that.
It's splitting me. It hurts so much. I can't leave the church, though. Not now. Not yet.
And then he calls, and I forget everything. I forget about the dichotomy that exists in my life. He calls, and I just feel good. I feel happy. I feel content. Is that it? Is that my answer? But I'd need it to be permanent. It's not what he wants.
What do you think, God? What do I do?
I'm tired of this internal turmoil. I'm tired of hurting because of what I am, hurting because of what I feel I can't become, and hurting because I can't reconcile these conflicting desires.
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