I am so tired. This may be a short post because I need to go to bed soon. My dad is doing this pretty intense landscaping project around the house, and I'm helping... he's paying me a lot to help, but man, it is hard work. The weather is really nice, though, and I can't help but feel ok with the situation. I think I was really looking for something to add meaning and purpose to my time back home. This is certainly something that can do that.
"Te echo de menos," he tells me. "Te quiero," he says. Does he really understand what that means? I have to believe he does. I miss him, too. I love him, too. Ugh! Please, don't read this. For you, it's old and trite. For me, I still need to experience the release I receive from verbalizing this stuff. He pulls through. He always pulls through. I realize that he's the same guy that I fell for in the first place. I realize that my life is decidedly happier and more meaningful, that I don't feel like a freak or recluse, that I'm not destined to live alone. I feel like there are a thousand things swirling around me, clamoring for my attention. And then we talk, and all of that stuff falls to the ground, lies still. It doesn't matter. To have someone that cares feels so nice. To have a sincere connection with someone is liberating. It's something that I haven't had before, you know? And I'm not supposed to feel this way, I know. That's what the church says. But I can't deny the fact that I can seriously feel my insides tingling when we talk. I can't deny the fact that there is a legitimate connection with him-- something physical and emotional. And I can't deny that I feel so happy. I hate that I can't. I just can't. He means something to me, and I can't disconnect, I can't turn off that part of me. In my head, I know that this is wrong. In my heart, though, I feel like this is right-- this is what it is supposed to feel like. And now that I've felt it with someone, I don't feel like I can settle for anything less in my life. It's there, you know? That feeling that I have that makes me want to get up in the morning and make something of myself. It's him.
In other news, my scholastic fate is currently being held in the hands of a committee that decides if I'm good enough to be accepted. If not, I'm feeling way too good right now to let it destroy my life. I can't believe I'm heading back to school in four or five weeks. I'm not ready for the drive-- that's for sure. I'm not ready to go back without him, either.
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