I've decided that I have some kind of weird attachment disorder or something. I was feeling kind of bad today because it seemed like he wasn't talking to me too much. Then, I started actually thinking about it, and I went back and counted, and he's sent me 20 text messages by 6:30 p.m. I'm crazy. I have too high of expectations or no confidence or just don't like being away from people or something. Having said that, things are great. He's great. I'm happy. He's a good guy.
Meanwhile, I found out my swollen foot was a bone spur. That's a good thing since all it means (unless something goes really wrong) is that I need to loosen up my shoes when I run long distances. Did that, pain went away. Now, if I could just get rid of my shin splints-- I know it is the treadmill. I have this weird obsession with finding out exactly how far I've run and what my time is. I need to find some good trails here and give up on my obsession with becoming the best at everything... because it is a little unreasonable.
So, I kind of want to revisit my actual reasons for sitting down and blogging the other night... before my guy sent that text.
I was sitting somewhere (not the important part... and I forgot where exactly it was) and thinking about the church and what I wanted and what he wanted and my family and friends in the church and friends outside the church and what it really was that drives me to do the things that I do in my life. Oh! I remember. My grandpa was going off about the end of the world and how everyone we know and love is going to die a horrible and painful death shortly following the inevitable and approaching collapse of the economy... apocalyptic, to say the least. Naturally, I tuned out. Then, I got to thinking about this one mini-series that was playing on tv that had to do with Revelation in the Bible and the end of the world and some lady giving birth to a goat and some goat giving birth to a baby and a baby randomly appearing at a ship.
Weird, I know... Dang it, it would take way too long to elaborate on my train of thought. Suffice it to say that I ended up thinking about myself and the church. As if it were a giant epiphany, I realized that the decisions I'm making really have a lot to do with my testimony-- everything, in fact. See, if I truly believed what the Church taught, I would believe that at some future time and place (maybe even after this life), I would be relieved of this gay mormon crappy thing. It immediately evoked images of the 2nd coming (thanks to my grandpa and that awful mini-series and a little bit of "Testaments" or whatever). At that point in time, I think I'd be "cured," so to speak. Or maybe a few years from now, I'll meet a really amazing girl that I could start a family with.
Maybe
That's the problem. We've talked about this. I like procedures and predictability. There is nothing procedural and predictable about maybe. Well, that's what got me thinking. If my testimony were stronger, there would be no maybe about it. I would recognize that the only uncertainty would be when. But I don't have that testimony. Or I don't have the strength to go back to that lonely, hard, self-loathing (though I don't believe it should be intended like that) fight. There is something really quickening about liking somebody who likes you back. I always had to date girls in fear. But this is different. For the first time, I feel alive.
And you read it and diagnose, formulate opinions and approaches so easily. Objectivity, although I don't believe you fully possess it, gives you an advantage. The choices-- I see them. I do. I see countless possibilities and unknowns.
I actually feel physical pain when I try to fit the church in.
I pruned the birch tree and laid brick for a birdbath in one of the gardens. It's level. It's stable and exact. I think it is my way of trying to control my life, you know? All of the uncertainty that exists, at least I can have this one thing be certain and exact.
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