My life is so strange and contradictory. I don't feel like I can even have meaningful interactions with people sometimes because I'm so confused about what the heck I'm doing. And it's my fault. I guess I kept thinking that straddling the paths like this wasn't really doing much to me, but I can feel it actually getting to me. What do I do? I'm not ready to choose, but I can't stay like this.
And as a side note, what the hell have I become? You probably haven't seen a change because it had been happening before I started this blog. Four years ago, I had tons of friends, was really outgoing, weighed 175, was driven to meet goals that I had set and honestly believed I could achieve. I wasn't afraid to fight for what was important to me. I wasn't afraid to disagree with people and could so easily disregard the things they said.
Now, I still have my friends, but I'm not really close with any of them. I can still talk to people, but I feel like I'm completely incapable of connecting with them past a very superficial level. I weigh 155 (not a good thing), I feel a lack of motivation to meet goals that I really feel are important to me. I'm passive, I give in. I really care about what people think about me. My having a good day depends way too much on other people. It depends way too much on him.
So I'm sitting here, cursing at myself under my breath because it isn't too hard for me to see the difference in choices I have made during those two times. Awkward phrasing-- sorry... wasn't quite sure how to word that. Anyway, it's the Gospel. I know it is. He makes me happy, it's true, but is external happiness. At the end of the day, I don't feel like I have an increased feeling of self-worth because our relationship is based more on hormones. At the end of the day, it isn't meaningful. I can try to pin it on him because he isn't here to defend himself, but would it honestly be different if I felt like he had a greater emotional connection to me? Weird wording, I know. What I'm trying to say is that I can't believe it is his fault that this isn't more meaningful.
I just can't figure out how to stop feeling this way. I'm tossed around by his whims. I try to pull my life back together and reorganize, rebuild, reevaluate, and then it gets destroyed, again. It's like playing blocks with my niece: I scramble to build a tower as fast as I possibly can, and she knocks it over. I try to rebuild, she knocks it over. Rebuild, destroy. She loves it. In all honesty, it kind of frustrates me. But she's 2, so I can get over it.
Damn, discursive post. I'm just confused, so it's hard to maintain any sense of order here.
Restoring my self-worth-- I guess I can start there. If I hold my breath, flex really hard, clench my jaw, maybe I can endure the pain of separating myself from him. Maybe I can endure his whims. Maybe I can build the tower, again.
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